Diary of a Mad Band Director

Where Did I Come From?

2012-01-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest questions to ponder is the question, "Where did I come from?" (I know...it ends in a preposition, but it sounds better this way.)

As I was falling asleep last night, and pondering my rather weepy day yesterday, a line from my patriarchal blessing came to my mind. It tells me that before I came here, I knew my elder brother, Jesus Christ, and that I was present and active in the council in heaven. This statement brought me a great deal of comfort, but I had to ask myself if I still knew my Savior. I don't think I'm as close to Him as I could be.

For those of you not familiar with "Mormon Doctrine," I'll sum up what I'm referring to:

We believe that we consist of two separate entities: our spirits and our physical bodies. Our spirits are literally the offspring of our Father in Heaven. We lived with Him before we were given an opportunity to come to earth and get a physical body (through the conception/birth process.) Because we are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father, we are all related--spiritually speaking. This includes our brother, Jesus Christ as well as Satan, who was also a spirit son of our Heavenly Father. (Not to get on a side topic, but other Christian denominations call us a "cult" because we believe this...oh, well.)

Before we came to earth, Heavenly Father presented a plan that included us coming to earth, being tempted, and having wonderful and trying experiences. This could only happen if we came to earth and had a physical body. A key element in this plan is our choice to do good or evil. Because He knew we would make mistakes, he wanted to provide for us a Savior, who would suffer for our sins so that we could ask for forgiveness and be made whole again. The eventual goal for all of us is to return to live with our Father again.

Both Satan and Jesus Christ were present at this meeting, as were we all. Satan spoke up and said that he wanted to force everyone to choose good, and thereby ensuring that all of us would be able to return to His presence. Satan also believed that he should receive the credit/glory for getting us all back.

Jesus spoke second, and said that He would go, and would do the Father's will and that the glory and honor would go to the Father, as Jesus wanted none of it for himself.

When our Father chose Jesus to be our Savior, Satan became angry and was dismissed from Father's presence. He left, and took one-third of the spirit children with him. Because these spirits chose to follow Satan, they never got the opportunity to gain a body. I believe that they are extremely jealous of us, and do all they can to make us miserable like them.

Our Savior came to earth, gained a body, and had some amazing experiences. Some were so beautiful and spiritual that we may can't comprehend them. Some were equally painful and difficult. We have been taught that He had to suffer everything so that He could understand our suffering. As bad as I think I have it sometimes, I need to remember that there is One who understands exactly what I am going through. He has been through it, and will be there with me every step of the way and through every tear.

I know I've posted this hymn in the past, but it is one of my favorites, and it has brought me so much peace.

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.

I know that in my own little Gethsemane, I can find peace and solace for my aching heart in one place. I will forever be grateful for Him, and seek to develop a better relationship.

My Life is a Gift

2012-01-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

A Primary song I remember teaching a few years back keeps coming to my mind today. Wanna hear it? Here it goes: (You'll have to add the notes yourself...)

My life is a gift, my life has a plan
My life has a purpose, in heaven it began
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God's plan for me
Holding fast to His words and His love
I will work, and I will pray
I will always walk in His ways
Then I will be happy on earth, and in my home above.

In the last couple of days, I have received some lovely Facebook posts from former students. They both thanked me for my contribution to their lives. It's funny how a simple suggestion like, "Hey--you could play the cymbals/tuba/etc." can change people's lives. One of my former students, now a college freshmen is writing a paper about a pivotal moment in her life, and said that the moment I asked her to join the drumline was that moment.

I started to cry last night when I read what she wrote to me. I miss having that kind of influence on young people. I hate sitting around, feeling sick and feeling worthless. I feel like I'm just taking up space, and it annoys the crap out of me. It's easy to say that I have other things I am doing right now that are just as important. I tell myself that there is a purpose for this time in my life...my "career hiatus." Maybe if I had more faith I would know what it is.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of not feeling like doing anything; feeling like spending the entire day in bed; not feeling good enough to go shopping with my daughter or even make dinner. I'm tired of having to rely on my amazing husband for everything from grocery shopping to laundry. I just wish more than anything that things were different. This is not what I had planned...

The "pat" answer to all of this is that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. I know that. I know that there is Someone Else in charge, and that I'm on His timeline. I just needed a moment to pout and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes it's hard to put on your "big girl panties" and move on. Sometimes a good cry is in order.

I just want so badly for this to be over so that I can get back to what I've planned for my life. I'm not asking for much--just the capacity to do good and to be an influence in the lives of others. It's not even a selfish request, it's just an answer to a simple, heartfelt prayer.

This is a Test, This is Only a Test...

2012-01-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, Ian (reluctantly) went on a hike with his wrestling team. He did not want to go, and murmured about it all morning. As we were driving to the meeting point, I encouraged him to make the best of things and to realize that everything he was doing was only making him stronger. I told him to imagine his next opponent with every step that he took.

After I dropped him off and was on my way home, I thought of challenges that we all face. Growing up as a member of the LDS church, in Sunday School we were often asked, "Why are we here?" The pat answer was "to gain a body and to be tested." Although I believed that to be true, I hadn't really thought about it.

Being tested is something that is near and dear to my heart lately, but I know that I am not the only one. One of my cousins has a sister-in-law who just lost her 1 1/2 year old son in a tragic accident. Her blog is amazing: http://inthequietheartishidden.blogspot.com/. Full of heartfelt despair, but also hope and such a strong testimony of eternal families. Her test makes my current situation seem rather insignificant. I can't begin to comprehend losing a child.

I got more bad news yesterday. My hepatitis B count has gone up--again. Only ten points this time, but it's still headed in the wrong direction. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the past two years and all the time I'm yelling "LET ME OFF!!" at the top of my lungs. I just wish I had answers...

Nevertheless...this is what I believe:

The reason we are here on earth is to gain a body, have wonderful life-experiences, and be tested...a lot. I believe that without the hard times that those tests bring, we wouldn't know true joy. I believe with absolute certainty that if I hadn't had cancer as a child that I wouldn't be the person I am today. I also believe that even though I am in the middle of a pretty big test right now, I will one day look back on this time with gratitude for the lessons I learned. I'm already recognizing blessings that could have only come from a loving Heavenly Father. I know He knows me, I know He loves me, and I know that He weeps with me during my lowest moments. I'm so grateful for this knowledge, and I can't imagine going through life without it.

A Bitter Pill

2011-12-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

Throughout my teaching career, I would occasionally have parents who would call with complaints. They would range from "You're not treating my child fairly," to "The concert last night was terrible." As I take my profession very personally, these comments would hurt me deeply. I made a vow to never become one of "those parents" when my children were the same age.

My son is now in high school--a big step for any adolescent. While he's been largely successful, we've had to work together to learn different study techniques, and most importantly--how to manage his time. He tends to get impatient with himself and gets frustrated easily, and so the majority of my time with him is reassuring him that if he works hard, things will work out for the best. He's been pretty busy with sports since school started, first with football and now with wrestling. He starts his day at 6:15 with early-morning Seminary and doesn't get home until 5:30. It's a long day for anyone, let alone a fourteen year-old boy.

My frustration has been with wrestling. He has been wrestling for the past four years, and has been pretty successful. His dad and I have given him every opportunity to develop his talent--we've taken him to wrestling camps every summer and to off-season tournaments. Because of his successes, I thought for sure that he would be participating on the varsity wrestling team this year.

His coach thinks otherwise, and has put him on the freshmen team. He's undefeated thus far, and has won four out of his five matches by pin. I don't know that many of his matches have been much of a challenge for him. On the one hand, I'm glad that he's having successes, but on the other hand, he needs to be challenged.

Yesterday he stayed home sick. He does this at least a couple of times a month...he comes in to my room and says he feels like he's going to puke and feels dizzy. In my opinion, this is one of the toughest things about being a mom--do you send them to school or keep them home? Could he have gone to school and been okay? He stayed home, slept and did some homework. When his dad left to go to wrestling practice, Ian stayed home, saying he still wasn't feeling well.

When Gordon came home from practice yesterday, he said that the head coach said that if you weren't well enough to practice the day before a meet, you couldn't wrestle. This means Ian can't wrestle in the big rivalry dual today. He was going to be able to wrestle on the varsity team for the first time today. I have a hard time understanding how this is fair. It would be one thing if he stayed home from practice just because he didn't feel like going, but he was sick. Gordon is siding with the head coach, saying that Ian needs to learn how to tough it out, and that not feeling 100% is not a good enough reason to not follow through with your commitments.

While I understand all of this, it's still hard for me to watch my son hurt. I want to protect him from everything, and I know I can't. I want him to have everything he deserves, no matter what the cost. I love him so much, and know he is capable of so much. I know that this is an important life lesson for him, and I hope more than anything he will learn from it. I know it's better that he learn this lesson early on. I only hope that he does.

About that...

2011-12-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

So, I thought I'd write more often.

But then school started for me in October, and I haven't had a second to spare. I felt compelled to write tonight, though. So I'm sacrificing sleep for my blog. See how good I am?

I was officially accepted to my graduate program (Educational Psychology) in mid-August. By this time, all of the classes that area offered for the entire semester were full. Thus, I was forced to take all 9 credit hours in 8 weeks time. It's been hectic, but I have LOVED every minute. I feel a new sense of purpose and it feels good to be doing something productive again. My brain has gone soft over the past couple of years, and it feels good to flex my "smarticles" (as Courtnie calls them) again. I'm doing pretty well. I'm really shooting for an A in all three classes, and I should be able to do it...if I stop second-guessing my answers on my Applied Behavior Management exams! I would have earned a 94 today if I hadn't gone back and changed answers...why do I do that? I ended up getting an 84. Ugh!

The class I'm enjoying the most is my Adolescent Psychology class. The instructor gives us a lot of supplemental assignments and information, and I have found all of it so interesting. Yesterday I watched a documentary on teenage suicide and suicide prevention. A program was implemented at a school in New Jersey that had experienced a rash of teen suicides. I wrote a paper on my reaction to the documentary and the plan they implemented, and really thought a lot about the despair suicidal teens feel.

As a family, we attended the BYU vs. NAU game at our local events center. It was fun to see everyone--one of the members of our ward said that he'd never seen so many Mormons gathered together on one place. I joked that we should just have our Stake Conference after the game. BYU smashed NAU, and it really wasn't much of a game, but it was fun to be together.

While we were at the game, I got an automated phone call from our high school. The principal said that one of the students that attends the high school had passed away yesterday, and that counselors would be available to help at school today. Pretty vague.

Through the magic of Facebook, Ian and I were able to figure out that a sophomore had committed suicide Tuesday night. The timing of this suicide, coupled with my recent paper and learning more about what teen suicide hit me hard. I've never known anyone so young that has committed suicide. I immediately started wondering what would have caused him to feel that there was no other option. Was he bullied? Was he having family problems? And most importantly...could this have been prevented?

According to my textbook, 70% of teens have thought about suicide, and 40% have attempted suicide. This is an amazing statistic. I understand the despair that we all feel from time to time, but I just can't fathom what could have made this sixteen year-old feel that there was no other option. I have thought about this most of the day today. I drove to Phoenix for another blood test and felt so badly that I started to cry. My own thoughts and worries left as I thought about his friends and family and the grief they must be going through today. Life is hard.

I thought I had some good news at the beginning of November when my hepatologist called me to say that my Hepatitis B viral count was now down to 160. He said that he would let the committee know that he's cleared me to proceed with the transplant. I was expecting to receive good news the following Tuesday when the committee met. No such luck. They want me to be at ZERO before they will even schedule the transplant. While I understand their rationale, it's still incredibly frustrating. Michelle and I want so badly to get this over with. It would be nice to have it over with by the end of the year. I had another lab test done today, so hopefully I'm where I need to be.

The wait continues...

Up All Night

2011-10-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

Some nights I have a difficult time falling asleep. I've been told that this is common in dialysis patients. Some nights I'm eventually able to fall asleep, and others nights I take a couple of Benadryl to help. (Of course, then I'm left with what I love to call a "Benadryl hangover" the next day...)

Last night was one of those nights. It was about 1:30 and I was flipping through the channels on TV in my bedroom. I turned to CMT and this video was starting. I really like Martina McBride, so I stopped and watched. It is so amazing how music and lyrics like this can bring people in similar situations together. Even though this song is specifically about cancer, I think it applies to anyone who has a strong support system.

You need to take a few minutes right now and watch it. (You may need Kleenex handy.)

I have been so fortunate to have the BEST support system around as I have struggled the last two years. I shared the sentiments of the women in the video who say that no one has ever made me feel like a burden...especially Gordon. He never complains when he has to do more than his fair share of the housework, clean up my puke bucket, or listen to me whine. He has been given the strength to get through this, and to help me get through it as well. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I am grateful every day of my life.

Dr. Vargas called yesterday and said I'm not a mutant after all. My Hep B virus strain is not drug resistant, which--in the long run--is good news. I'm going to start taking two different anti-viral meds and we're hoping that will kick the virus' butt. I know I've said this a million times before, but I'm SOOOO ready! The more I've thought about it, the better I feel that, although a set back is hard, it will be better to make sure all is completely well before I get the kidney from Michelle. I would feel so terrible to waste it because I was impatient.

At Courtnie's school, they are required to memorize a poem and recite it to the class each quarter. The teacher selects the poem, and some of them have been quite interesting. Courtnie is doing her recitation today with the poem, "Pancake Collector." It's a cute one, and she's loved memorizing it. She was getting ready this morning and went into my bathroom for a while. When she came out, she had curled her hair for the first time on her own. It looked great! I don't think I did as good a job my first time using a curling iron. What a cutie! I love her so much.

We're going to Utah this weekend for Tyler's baptism. I need to start getting things ready, but Ben Hur is on TV, so I'm not. Oh well...maybe tomorrow. :)

I'm Baaaack!

2011-10-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've made a resolution to blog more often, and I'm starting today. Hopefully this resolution will last longer than all of my New Year's resolutions! :)

Truth is...I haven't written lately because I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself. I have gone through several weeks where I've just cried for no particular reason. A couple of weeks ago, I showed up early for dialysis (thinking I could get in early) and ended up waiting for about an hour. During that time, I watched some of the other dialysis patients come and go. All of them looked so sick. One lady--just a little older than me--sat waiting for her ride for quite a while. After waiting for about 30 minutes, she ended up crying because she was in so much pain. She called her husband, and he wouldn't come and pick her up, so they had to call and ambulance to come and take her to the hospital.

For some reason, this really affected me. By the time I got into my dialysis room (aka, "The Fishbowl"--I have to go into a "special room" that is isolated from the rest of the patients so I don't accidentally infect them with my Hep B germs) I was pretty distraught. I just started sobbing. I recalled the scene from the movie, "As Good As It Gets" where Jack Nicholson comes out of his psychiatrist's office, looks at the patients waiting in the lobby, and asks, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

That thought has been on my mind quite a bit over the last couple of weeks...hence the pity party. A couple of weeks ago I found out that instead of the Hep B virus count going down, like it's supposed to on this medicine, it is--in fact--going UP. Dr. Vargas is baffled, and ordered a lab test to determine what is up with the virus. He said I may have a strain that has mutated and has become drug-resistant. If this is the case, my current viral count may be as good as we're going to get and we can proceed with the transplant. This is risky, as the immuno-suppressant drugs I'll take after transplant could allow the virus to rapidly multiply and kill my liver. Either way, I'm not living the life I want to live right now, and why prolong this if it's not going to get better. With a healthy kidney, I can take a combination of drugs and hopefully kill off the virus.

I've been waiting on the results for two and a half weeks now. I was supposed to get the results last week, but Dr. Vargas was out of town. Ugh! I should hear tomorrow. I know that both of us would like a resolution to this issue. As Gordon told me a while back, "It would seem that your life is not destined to be easy." He was kidding, but that's the understatement of the year!

Ian and Gordon have been busy with football. They practice every day until 6:00 and their games are usually on Wednesdays. It's been fun to watch Ian improve. He played quite a bit the last game, playing both offense and defense and kicking. It's like a switch has gone off in his head and he has decided that tackling someone can be fun. He enjoys playing on the defense, as it gives him a chance to tackle people more often. I'm glad he's starting to feel successful, as he didn't feel that way at the beginning of the season.

Courtnie has been playing soccer for about a month now. She's never really played an organized sport before, and it has been interesting to watch her grow. She seems to enjoy it, even though her team has played four games and has yet to score even one goal. I'm glad that she's getting some exercise and is making new friends. She's also taking piano lessons, and is doing very well. She is always happy to practice and wants to do well at her lessons. (It doesn't hurt that her piano teacher is awesome!)

The last two days have been awesome. I love watching General Conference and hearing the words of our church leaders. It started early--with the first talk by Elder Richard G. Scott. He talked of the importance of using the scriptures in our daily lives:

"To memorize a scripture is to forge a new friendship," he said. "It is like discovering a new individual who can help in time of need, give inspiration and comfort and be a source of motivation for needed change."

As individuals ponder the scriptures, they are able to find direction and form a foundation of support. Scriptures provide an incredibly large resource of willing friends who can help, Elder Scott said.

"Pondering a passage of scripture can be a key to unlock revelation and the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Ghost," he said. "Scripture can calm an agitated soul, giving peace, hope and a restoration of confidence in one's ability to overcome the challenges of life. They have potent power to heal emotional challenges when there is faith in the Savior. They can accelerate physical healing."

I have experienced this first-hand recently. In our Gospel Doctrine class a couple of weeks ago, we were reading in 2nd Corinthians, chapter 1. It reads:

3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.
7 And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.

I sat there reading and re-reading that passage for the majority of the class. Not only is my suffering for my own good, but it is also essential. We all must suffer so that we can have empathy for others' suffering. Perhaps the reason I have been through this trial is so that I can help others. I also took comfort in the fact that Christ knows me, knows my sufferings, and that I will someday find consolation and salvation because of my suffering.

I loved Elder Carl Cook's talk on the counsel President Monson gave him. As Elder Cook looked down in discouragement, the prophet told him, pointing heaven-ward, that it is "always better to look up."

Gordon had to work Saturday night, so I took Ian to the Priesthood session. When I picked him up, he and I talked about the subjects that influenced him the most. He said that several of the leaders talked about being prepared for whatever the Lord needs you to do. Whether it is answering a question about the Church, or being asked to give a blessing, if you aren't spiritually ready, you won't be able to fulfill that responsibility. I'm so proud of my son. He is my spiritual hero.

I loved Sister Dalton's talk to fathers about raising daughters. I thought often of my dad, who was always a listening ear and and one of my biggest cheerleaders. Sister Dalton said that the greatest way a father can love his daughter is to love her mother. This will teach her that the right man will always treat her with love and respect. I wept as I thought of the way my loving husband has treated me for the last twenty years. He has treated me like a queen in every sense of the word. I tell Courtnie often that I hope she can find someone as wonderful as her dad.

President Monson is a wonderful storyteller. I loved watching his facial expressions as he told the story of the five dollar bill and the answer to a young boy's prayer. I can imagine being next to him as he tells stories. His expressions remind me a lot of my Grandpa Cobabe, who was also a great storyteller and a wonderful man. I'm so grateful that the Lord has given us a prophet who is not only a great leader, but is personable and kind.

Above all, I'm grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ permeate everything that I do and everything that I am. I am grateful for the hope it provides to me and my family of a true "happily ever after."

Because It's Been a While...

2011-08-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

One of my friends on Facebook (who happened to be one of my college roommates) nudged me the other day and told me that it was time to update my blog.

To be honest, I just haven't felt like it. I received bad news once again on August 15, and between that and school starting without me, it's been rough.

My viral count dropped from 1,300 to 720, but still not good enough. I'm really tired of getting bad news followed by the phrase, "You're getting closer!" Ugh!

Meanwhile, a few things have happened that have kept me going:

1. At the end of July, I finally got a calling in our new ward. I was called to be the Relief Society secretary. This is a good fit for me, as it's not too demanding, but will keep me busy and involved. I'm grateful to have something to do.

Our bishop called me the week before school started and asked if I'd be able to help a single mom who just moved here from Missouri. She came to Prescott Valley with her three children and literally the clothes on their back and what they could fit in suitcases. They took a Greyhound bus and are living with her mom. She doesn't have a car and didn't have a job. Her marriage fell apart after 20 years, and it sounds like she's had a rough life. Of her entire family, she's the only one who attends church and is the only one to graduate from high school.

I was able to take her to buy clothes and school supplies. While we shopped, she told me of her life's troubles and about her faith that things would turn around. I was so impressed by her dedication to attending church, even if she had to walk every time.

Growing up, my family didn't have a lot of money, and often received help from others. It felt really good to be in a position that I could reciprocate that help. Talking to her also made me realize that even though I am having health issues right now, I am truly blessed. I came home with a happy heart and felt like things were looking up. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself prior to this experience. When talking to my mom, she told me to look for someone to help and that would help eliminate the "wallowing in pity." I'm grateful that our bishop was inspired to ask me to help.

2. The following Sunday, I was called to be the Stake Primary Music Leader. I'm so excited for this calling. During the 20 years Gordon and I have been married, I think I've been in the Primary 15 of those years. I love the children, and music is such an important part of teaching the Gospel.

3. I've registered and enrolled in 9 credit hours of graduate courses in Human Relations/Educational Psychology. Working towards a Master's degree is something I've been needing to do for a while, and I thought I might as well be productive in this year I'm off work. The good news is that I don't start until October 24, and I'm doing all of the classwork online. I'm REALLY hoping that I'll be post-transplant by then and can focus on the work.

4. Ian is doing a great job getting up for seminary every morning. He works hard at football from 2-6, then comes home and does homework before getting to bed. Some days I know he's really tired, but he gets up at 5 am and is ready to go on time. He's had some difficult health issues himself...we've tried treating these terrible warts on his fingers for a year or so now and finally gave up and took him to the dermatologist. He's had three "freezing" treatments, and we're making progress, but each visit is so painful for him. He's also been battling an ingrown toenail for about six weeks, and it eventually became pretty infected. We took him to his pediatrician who sent us to a podiatrist. It's looking 100% better, but the podiatrist told us it may come back. We'll keep an eye on it. It's been fun to be a football mom...we decorated the lockers before their first game this past Wednesday, and I enjoy being Gordon's cheerleader for a change.

5. Courtnie has started the fifth grade off well. She's running for class representative on the student council at her school, and will find out on Monday how she did. She's also started piano again and will be playing soccer for the first time starting next month. She continues to be her goofy, silly self and makes me smile every day.

6. The new band director at BMHS asked me to write the drill for the third song. I agreed, and hope I can do a good job. If it works out, maybe I can put myself out there as a drill writer. I paid someone else $1000 to write our show last year...If I can write a few of those each year, it would help. I'm not sure what next year will hold for me. I can't anticipate any band director openings, so I'm not sure what I'll be doing. I really don't want to sub for the rest of my life! :)

I've been reading The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. It has made me really evaluate how I act towards others and how I feel in general. One of the "rules" she makes for herself is, "Act how you want to feel." I never feel great, but I have found that when I smile and am happy, I tend to forget how lousy I feel. It's something I'm going to try and work harder at, and I know it will help. It hasn't been easy this week, as I've felt so incredibly lousy, but I'm starting to feel human again and am anxious to put her suggestions to work.

A couple of silly experiences with Ian:

1. We were eating dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings last Friday. The kids went and played a game that gave them a bouncy ball as a prize. Ian and Courtnie were rolling it across the table, and that led to bouncing it across the table. Ian remembered the "bounce the ball in the cup" challenge from the TV show "Minute to Win It." He swears he didn't mean to do it, but with one bounce the ball ended up in Gordon's water cup. We all laughed so hard...well, all of us but Gordon.

2. The next night Ian loaded the dishwasher and started it up. He then came in to my room and we were chatting, as we like to do just before bed. After about 20 minutes, he went to bed, and on the way noticed that there was white foam all over our kitchen floor. He had put dish washing detergent in BOTH cups of the dishwasher, along with the dishwasher tablet we use. He thought we would be so proud of him for making the dishes extra clean. Instead, Ian and I spent the next hour cleaning up soap bubbles that kept pouring out of the dishwasher. After it ran a complete cycle, the bubbles subsided, and we were able to go to bed. Ian was desperately sorry, but I thought it was a great bonding moment, and now he knows the difference between "dish washing" and "dishwasher" soap. :)

So, we're still playing the waiting game. I get tested again on September 9, and should find out results on the 12th or 13th. I continue to be hopeful. After the last disappointing news, I told Gordon that if I could just understand WHY I must continue to wait, I would be okay. I just don't get it, and don't know if I ever will. I just have to continue to pray for strength to endure and the faith to accept what comes.

The Girl Who Cried "Transplant"

2011-08-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl who lived in a small town. This town was pretty boring, and most days were pretty uneventful. This girl had been dealing with health problems for the majority of her life, including some major circulation problems as a result of the radiation treatments she had as a child. She tried and tried to have them resolved in a non-invasive way, to no avail.

Her vascular surgeon suggested that she have a major operation to correct this issue. She would have an artificial graft put into her abdomen that would bypass her damaged aorta. This was done in December 2009. Two days after her surgery, her surgeon informed her that her kidneys had shut down and she would need to start dialysis. He assured her that this happened on occasion, and often times the problem would resolve itself after a couple of weeks of dialysis treatments. When she began treatments on December 25, 2009, she also was informed that she had Hepatitis B, which she would find out later causes some other complications.

After being released from the hospital in Phoenix, she began dialysis treatments in Phoenix three times a week. These treatments made her very sick. She ended up in the hospital several times over the next year or so...often times to deal with extreme dehydration and high blood pressure. She even had a couple of seizures as a result of the extreme blood pressure. (Her highest was 190/120.) She lost 50 pounds, (something she needed to do anyway, but not THAT way!) and was very weak. She was given several priesthood blessings, including one from her bishop that promised her that she would be restored to health.

After about six months of treatments, her nephrologist asked her if she wanted to be worked up for a kidney transplant. She decided to proceed with the testing at Mayo Clinic and was approved to be a transplant candidate in July 2010. Her brother and sister both offered to donate a kidney to her, and it was decided (by means of "Rock, Paper, Scissors") that her sister Michelle would get worked up first.

Meanwhile, the girl had been taking anti-viral medications to get rid of the Hepatitis B virus. The medicine made her very sick, and she doubted that it was working at all. It took five months, but the virus was finally undetectable and she was good to go for transplant.

Michelle came to Mayo Clinic and went through all kinds of testing. The girl stayed with her sister the entire time, and was so grateful that she was willing to go through this for her. Her sister was approved as a match, and the transplant was scheduled for November 19, 2010. The girl went in to Mayo for her pre-surgery testing, which included a CT scan of her kidneys, as she had had kidney cancer in 2008, and they wanted to make sure she was cancer-free.  While her kidneys were deemed cancer-free, they discovered that her aorta and bypass graft were once again blocked, and would need to be repaired before the transplant could occur.

The girl was devastated.  She felt she had gone through the entire last year of dialysis and being so sick for nothing. The surgery that started this whole thing was a failure. The vascular surgeon at Mayo agreed to do a stent procedure on November 18, so that the transplant could occur as planned on November 19.

The stent procedure was successful, and she was in ICU recovering and making necessary preparations for the next day's surgery when she woke up with severe pains in her right leg. The surgeon came in around 3:00 a.m. and took one look at the bottom of her feet (which were black and blue) and said that she had what is called "trash foot." It turns out that all of the crud that was blocking my aorta came loose when the stent was placed, and it sent all of it--the plaque, clots, and other materials--down my leg and to my feet. They would need to do emergency surgery to "roto-rooter" the artery in her leg. The surgeon also told her that the transplant could not take place. She called her husband, cried so hard, and told him to tell her sister that everything was off.

She ended up staying in the hospital for several days while they monitored her circulation for any other blood clots. They told her that the transplant would need to be postponed for at least three months to give her arteries time to heal and grow stronger. Meanwhile, she was given Coumadin and Plavix to thin her blood and avoid any dangerous clots.

In February, she saw the surgeon again and was cleared for transplant. The transplant was rescheduled, and plane tickets were bought. When she went in for her pre-surgery tests (again) she was told that they would do another Hepatitis B check, just to be sure.  When she was called and told that her levels were higher than they'd ever been, she was confused. She was under the impression that once the virus was undetectable, she was good. She didn't realize that she'd need to be on these meds for the rest of her life. So, the transplant was postponed yet again.

March, April, May and June came and went.  Surgery dates scheduled, hopes were high, only to be dashed time and time again. She was beginning to wonder what she had done wrong, why she was being punished, and what she could do better.  Fast Sunday in June was a special day. Her whole family, and a lot of friends fasted for her and that the transplant could finally take place. She felt completely at peace, and felt confident that the surgery would take place on June 14. This was also her final chance for the transplant if she wanted to return to teaching in August. She went for her pre-surgery testing AGAIN and was so confident that all would be well. When she was called on June 11 and told that her level was still at 10,000, she was--once again--devastated.

The liver specialist increased her dose again, and she was tested on July 12. This time her count was at 1,300...a huge improvement, but not where it needs to be. (It needs to be at zero.) She feels so silly, and doesn't even know how to respond to her sister when she calls to tell her the bad news. She's just numb.

She will get tested again on August 12, and is so hopeful that things will be good. If the count went from 10,000 to 1,300 in one month, surely it can go down to zero in another month. But, as one of her nurses told her, "Well, it is YOU!" Who knows.

She is sure people are tired of hearing that the date is so close. She is sure people just don't even know what to say anymore. She feels very much like the boy who cried wolf, just to get the attention of his small town.

She goes through times in her life where she is fine. She is grateful for the opportunity she has to go to dialysis, for she knows it keeps her alive. She is so grateful for her sweet husband and amazing children who have stood by her and taken care of her through all of this. She is grateful for all of her family who pray for her and love her. She is able to keep going and keeps her chin up, even though things are tough.

She also goes through times where she gets down. She wonders if the transplant is ever going to happen. She can't stand sitting in the chair at dialysis for one more minute. She counts down the minutes until she can go home. She dreads the thought of going, smelling the bleach/vinegar smell, and the headache that will follow treatment.

She is sure that there is a reason for all of this. She just wishes she knew what it was. Band camp started last week, and she is so sad that that part of her life is over. Someday she will understand.

Finding Peace

2011-06-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

I crave peace. I want peace in my home, I want to drive peacefully, work peacefully, be at peace in social situations, and to be at peace with myself.

Over the past couple of weeks, as the date for my transplant approaches, I have found myself in a state of panic. I was worried about so many things...so many "what if" scenarios. It was driving me crazy. I'd think about the future and become so scared that I'd actually start to cry. I think I was driving my husband insane. He would hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. He's been my rock.

Yesterday a lot of people I know--and many I don't know--fasted and prayed that my lab test would come back with a result that will finally allow me to have the transplant. My sister Michelle called me and told me that just about everyone in her ward was fasting for us. She told me that it was one of the first times in her life that she actually knew what it felt like to "feel" people praying for us. I'm so grateful.

I felt at peace all day yesterday. Going without food and water for a day is difficult for anyone, but we did it. Ian and Courtnie joined us, too. I hope that they learned that they can do hard things, especially when you are doing them for someone you love.

This morning I woke up and felt so good. "Peace" is hardly the word to describe it, but it's the best word I have. I had this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to be okay--come what may. My worries are gone, and I have turned my worries over to the Lord. As I laid in bed thinking of the future, John 14:27 came to my mind:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:

not as the world giveth, give I unto you.

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I felt my Saviors love for me so strongly. I know that He knows my troubles, and I know that He has experienced the pain that I am going through--both physically and emotionally. I am so grateful that He has taken me by the hand and is guiding me through this time. I hope that I can live worthy of His love.

I Wish...

2011-06-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

My cousin Eric passed away yesterday. He was only nine months older than me. He died suffering from severe liver and kidney failure. I can't imagine...

Eric and I were kids together. I have some fun photos of he and I playing in the back yard at my aunt's house in Idaho Falls. Some of them wouldn't be appropriate to show to anyone! :) I guess they didn't make swimming suits for babies back then!

Eric was always the cool cousin. His mom was (and still is) very beautiful and stylish, and Eric was always dressed in the coolest clothes. He had a very funny and outgoing personality and ALWAYS had a goofy grin on his face.

When I broke up with my boyfriend my junior year of high school, Eric came to Utah and took me to our Homecoming dance. He was a good sport about it, and it was really fun...

I've spent the last little while thinking about the last time I saw him, and I think it was that date. He hasn't been to either of our grandparent's funerals and I've wondered why.

It turns out that he's been battling some pretty vicious demons. I had no idea. I wish I had known--not that I could have done much about it, but so that he could have had someone else praying for his recovery. I wish I knew what set him on this course of self-destruction, and I wish I could have been more helpful. I love him, and miss him as a part of my life.

This event has got me thinking a lot about choices. If you've read my blog at all, you know I'm a big proponent of choice in every aspect of life. Each of us comes to earth with a certain amount of potential, and it's up to us how we choose to develop it. What sets people off down the wrong path? Is it friends? Outside influences? Or do we have complete control over every aspect of our life?

I believe 100% in the concept of agency--that every choice we make in life has a consequence, be it good or bad. I wish Eric had made better choices. I hope that he's making them now and has the opportunity to right the wrongs in his earthly life. I have to believe that we all get second chances.

An Email to Gram

2011-06-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Gram,

Gordon asked me to email you with exactly what my issues are regarding my (hopeful) upcoming transplant. I'm very worried about it, and am so grateful for those who would like to fast on my behalf tomorrow. It means a lot to me, and I know that our Heavenly Father will hear our prayers.

As most of you know, I had cancer as a child. This was during the late 1970s before they started testing blood more carefully for viruses. During the course of my treatments, I had a lot of blood transfusions, and I'm fairly certain that's where I picked up the lovely hepatitis B virus. I didn't know I had this until I started dialysis when my kidneys shut down in December of 2009.

When I started my evaluations for a kidney transplant at Mayo Clinic, I met with a hepatologist (liver doctor), who told me that I could take medications to suppress the virus so that it would be undetectable. I did this for a few months, and was finally cleared for transplant last November. I thought that once I was cleared, I wouldn't have to take the meds anymore, so I stopped.

Since then, I've had other complications, but was cleared again for transplant in February. They tested my hepB level again at that time and the viral count was higher than it had ever been. This set me back yet again, as if I were to have the transplant with my viral count at a detectable level, the anti-rejection drugs I'll have to take for the rest of my life would have let the virus multiply and destroy my liver. I've been on the anti-viral meds again since February, and while the count is trending downward, it still isn't good enough. It started at almost a million in February, was at 500,000 in March, 1800 in April, and was at 1000 on May 10. The hepatologist wants it at ZERO before he'll clear me for transplant.

My transplant is currently scheduled for June 14, and I will have my count tested again on June 7. If I want to go back to work teaching band at the end of July, I absolutely HAVE to have the transplant done on the 14th. I've been told by my district office, that if I don't have the surgery in June, they will find someone else to fill my position. I love teaching, and so desperately want to get back to work! I also want to feel good and be a better wife and mother. Of equal importance to me is to have this done so that my sister (who is my donor) can get on with her life...we've been in limbo for so long!

Anyway--a long explanation as to why we're fasting tomorrow. I have had the power of fasting and prayer work in my life before, and I know it can work again. I need the lab test on Tuesday to come back with a positive result so that this transplant can finally happen.

Love you all. Thanks so much for all of your prayers, faith and love.

Amie

Soul Surfer

2011-06-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

While Ian is gone on our stake's pioneer trek, Courtnie and I have been enjoying some "girl time." Yesterday we went to see the movie "Soul Surfer," a movie she's been wanting to see for a while.

The movie had a lot of references to religion and Jesus Christ, which made for a great discussion with Courtnie afterwards. One of the Biblical references that was used was Philippians 4:13, which says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

The girl in the movie was a championship surfer who was training for the national championships when she was attacked by a shark and had her arm amputated at the shoulder. She had to learn to do everything over again, and felt sorry for herself at times. Her father (also a surfer) kept telling her that she shouldn't give up, and quoted the above scripture.

A little while after her accident, her church youth group went to Thailand right after the tsunami in 2004. This helped her to put her trial into perspective as she saw the devastation around her.

I have 12 days left until my scheduled transplant. I'm still not where I need to be with my viral level, and I'm so scared that this will mean another postponement. In February, my count was near one million, a month later it was cut in half, at the beginning of May it was at 1800, and on May 20 it was at 1000. It needs to be at zero for the doctor to clear me for surgery. I'm having another lab drawn on June 7, and if it's close we can draw it again on May 10, but that's it.

If I don't have the surgery on June 14, I won't be recovered in time to start school in August. The HR director has informed me that if I can't start the school year, he's going to have to find someone else for my position. This devastated me. Other than feeling better, the thing I'm most excited about is being able to go back to work. I miss it so much.

Putting things into perspective--will it be the end of the world if I don't work next year? Will I be able to find fulfillment elsewhere? Would I be able to come back to what I love?

Are there people suffering more than I am?

Am I worrying needlessly?

I'm trying so hard to have faith that things will turn out as I'd like them to, but I've wanted that since last November. For some reason, things just don't always work out that way.

I know that Heavenly Father knows the deepest desires of my heart. I know that He hears my prayers and my pleadings. I know that He hears the prayers of my family and friends. It is my continued prayer that He will allow this transplant to go through so that I can get back to my life.

Mommy!

2011-05-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

There was a time in my life when I wondered if the picture above would ever be taken.

I still remember where I was when my mom told me that I wouldn't be able to bear children. She said that the oncologists told her that if I had the radiation treatments I needed to save my life, my reproductive system would be damaged or even destroyed. My parents were heartbroken. As members of the LDS church, we believe very strongly in families and that they are forever. We also believe that one of our main responsibilities in this life is to bear children and create families. We are told that we would find joy and happiness in our posterity.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I didn't tell anyone but my closest friends that I even had cancer as a child. I still felt that stigma that plagued me when I was undergoing treatments. Many people didn't understand then what cancer was, and some even thought it was contagious. I was teased and made fun of, and had few friends.

I was always worried that I would start dating a man and fall in love. He'd ask me to marry him and I'd tell him that we wouldn't be able to have children of our own. He'd back away and tell me that it was too important, and he'd break up with me. This was the scenario I'd created in my head...even when I started dating Gordon. For a while, I even convinced myself that I didn't want children.

Early on, Gordon told me he was adopted. I hoped that he would be open to my situation and would still love me when I told him. A few days before he proposed, I told him we'd need to adopt our future children, we both cried and he was so supportive. I knew then that I had found the person Heavenly Father had sent to me. He was actually excited about adopting...imagine that! I felt a sense of peace and gratitude that I hadn't felt since learning of my infertility.

We waited six years for Ian, and another four and a half for Courtnie. I tell them all of the time that they were worth the wait. I am grateful every single day for their unselfish birth mothers. They knew that they weren't ready to have a child yet, and thought of their unborn child first. They wanted their child to have a mother and a father, to be brought up in the gospel, and be sealed to an eternal family. I know that they think sometimes that others will think they took the "easy way out," but I can't imagine anything more difficult. I am just so blessed. I am also grateful that the birth mothers of both of my children have gone on to lead happy lives, have been married in the temple, and have children of their own now.

Being a mom is the greatest! It brings me a sense of pride, happiness, joy, and peace I could have never imagined. As I look at my children, I wonder what they will become and how I can help. I hope that I am teaching them all that they need to know to become good people. I want them to be happy and lead productive lives. Most of all, I want them to love the Savior as I do. I want them to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and that if they follow its teachings, they will know true happiness.

This morning, I woke up Courtnie for school and told her to get in the shower. When I went back into my room, she was "hiding" under my covers. I pretended she wasn't there and squished her. We giggled for a bit, and then just laid there, snuggling, for a few minutes. It felt so good to just be quiet and "listen" to each other. I hope she knows how much I love her and am so grateful for her. Sometimes words just aren't enough.

I'm so grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows my needs. He knew that I'd need these two very special children in my life...especially at this time. When things are tough and I just don't know if it's all worth it, I think of my children and can't wait for tomorrow.

The Atonement Covers All Pain

2011-05-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

As I listened to General Conference last month, this talk by Kent F. Richards of the Seventy had the most impact on me. I cried through the entire talk. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who has given us church leaders who know EXACTLY what we need to hear. I honestly felt like this talk was written just for me, although I know that many others needed needed it as well. It has given me a new perspective, and I appreciate it so much:

As a surgeon, I found that a significant portion of my professional time was taken up with the subject of pain. Of necessity I surgically inflicted it almost daily—and much of my effort was then spent trying to control and alleviate pain.

I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.

Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Similarly, Elder Robert D. Hales has said:

“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …

“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”

Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others. Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.” Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.

The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.

“He suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children.”

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”

Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.

There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an“inexpressible horror,” as Alma described. It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”

Christ Himself taught:

“And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me. …

“Therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me.”

Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.

As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”

Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …

“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”

Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: “How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?” As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.

President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”

I felt the encircling arms of His love that night. Tears watered my pillow in gratitude. Later, as I was reading in Matthew about Christ’s mortal ministry, I made another discovery: “When the even was come, they brought unto him many … and he … healed all that were sick.” He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away.

As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

I have noted that children are often more naturally accepting of pain and suffering. They quietly endure with humility and meekness. I have felt a beautiful, sweet spirit surrounding these little ones.

Thirteen-year-old Sherrie underwent a 14-hour operation for a tumor on her spinal cord. As she regained consciousness in the intensive care unit, she said: “Daddy, Aunt Cheryl is here, … and … Grandpa Norman … and Grandma Brown … are here. And Daddy, who is that standing beside you? … He looks like you, only taller. … He says he’s your brother, Jimmy.” Her uncle Jimmy had died at age 13 of cystic fibrosis.

“For nearly an hour, Sherrie … described her visitors, all deceased family members. Exhausted, she then fell asleep.”

Later she told her father, “Daddy, all of the children here in the intensive care unit have angels helping them.”
To all of us the Savior said:

“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

“Fear not, little children, for you are mine. …

“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd.”

Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”

I bear testimony that He is our Redeemer, our Friend, our Advocate, the Great Physician, the Great Healer. In Him we can find peace and solace in and from our pain and our sins if we will but come unto Him with humble hearts. His “grace is sufficient.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

This Blog Post is Brought to You By the Letters "M," "L," and the Number "14"

2011-05-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

I grew up on Sesame Street. My mom will tell you that it's the reason I skipped kindergarten. My favorite character was Grover. My favorite book was "The Monster At the End of This Book." Nothing ever seemed to go right for him...ever. His superhero alter-ego always ended up crashing into walls, he couldn't seem to remember anything, and he was the waiter at the restaurant where the guy always had a fly in his soup.

Lately, I've been feeling a little bit like Grover. A little picked on, a little left out, and nothing seems to go right for me. My hep B viral count is still too high, so the transplant has been postponed yet again. (For those of you keeping score at home, this is postponement number four.) It's going down, but still is detectable, so my med dosage has been doubled again, and I'll have another blood draw on May 10. Oh, I'm tired of hoping and praying. I'm ready to do some happy dancing!

So, the new date is June 14. A pretty significant date in our family. My sister who is donating the kidney to me gave me something else on June 14, something that means so much to me.

As I have thought about the number 14, a few other fun facts struck me:

1. When Michelle told me about June 14, I counted how many dialysis treatments I had left. 14!

2. In December, I purchased a pack of 50 Tegaderm patches (they cover my dialysis catheter site and make it waterproof.) I counted how many patches I have left. I have exactly enough to last the 14 treatments!

3. Courtnie's birthday is June 14. (It's also her favorite number!)

4. Ian is 14.

I'm not really a "sign seeker," but I feel pretty excited about all of these little coincidences. Once again, trying not to get my hopes up too high, but feeling good.

By the way--if you can figure out what the title of this post is, you win a prize! :)

Fiddler on the Roof

2011-04-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite movies is "Fiddler on the Roof." I have so many memories of this film, and watching it brings them back so vividly. I believe I first saw this movie with my mom at the Scera theater in Orem, Utah. They had a summer movie series and would show older movies on their huge screen. It was a great experience, and I remember that the movie touched me with it's amazing music, visual appeal, and great symbolism. I have seen it probably fifty times since then, and know every word to every song by heart.

A couple of weeks ago, it was on television a few times. I watched it every time it was on. This time, several of the scenes and lines of dialogue had different meaning to me. As my children grow older, the song "Sunrise, Sunset" has new meaning. The song they sing at their Sabbath dinner is a prayer that I offer daily--that my children will grow up in righteousness and will find their eternal soul mate. When my grandpa passed away on April 13, I thought of the lines in "If I Were a Rich Man," where he sings about studying the scriptures being the sweetest gift of all.

As I laid on the table praying so hard that the phlebotomist would find a vein (on the tenth try!), I thought of the dialogue that Tevye has with God. This is one of the many things I love about this movie...that he has such an intimate relationship with God, and feels he can speak to him at any time about anything. As I found out yesterday that my viral count is still to high for me to have a safe transplant, I pictured Tevye at his daughter's wedding as the Russians were destroying the village. He was looking up at God with a look of intense questioning.

Two lines of dialogue keep coming to my mind:

"I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?"

"Sometimes I think, when it gets too quiet up there, You say to Yourself, "What kind of mischief can I play on my friend Tevye?"

Someone once told me that God must love me a lot to trust me with these trials. My head knows this, but my heart is having a difficult time understanding this. I realize that compared to the trials of others, mine are so small, but sometimes they can seem so overwhelming. I find myself feeling sorry for myself, and when I do, I go into a dark place where I'm not good for anyone. And then I remember my family, and all is good again.

While I was at my grandma's house this past weekend, I noticed she had NieNie's calendar. (For those of you who don't know NieNie, here's a link to her blog: nieniedialogues.blogspot.com. She is a survivor of a terrible plane crash that left 80% of her body burned. She is an inspiration to me--and to many others.) Anyway, April's quote was this:
"My heartache, pain, and confusion have led me to a state of mind that all is lost, but then I look into my children's eyes, and see my Savior and know that it is not lost. It's just the beginning of a big plan for us."

I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if the quality of my life is worth the quantity of my life. Don't get freaked out--I'm not talking about suicide or anything, but I have wondered if it's all worth it. And then I hear my son giggle with his sister, or my daughter tells me that I'm the best mom in the world for bringing her trombone to school when she forgot it, and I realize that it IS worth it. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them, and I know that my Heavenly Father sent them to me at this time for a reason.

Inspiration

2011-04-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

My grandma asked me to play at my grandpa's funeral next week. I'm so honored. I know that I received whatever musical gifts I possess from my grandparents.

So, for the past few days I've really been struggling with knowing what to play. I've played at my mother's parent's funerals in the past couple of years, and have always known exactly what to play. In fact, my dad and I disagreed on what to play at my grandma's funeral, but when he heard the song I thought was more appropriate, he agreed. It turned out that my grandma's son from a previous marriage played the saxophone when he was younger and the song I'd played was the first song he'd ever played for her.

I asked my dad for advice on what I should play, and he told me to play through the pieces I have and grandpa would let me know.

I played through the arrangements of sacred music I have, and thought I had found the right piece to play. I've played it before at a stake music fireside...it's a medley of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives," "Our Savior's Love," and "The Lord is My Shepherd." I even copied the accompaniment part and sent it off to my cousin who will be playing with me. After I put the music in the mailbox, I realized that it just wasn't the right one. It would do, and would have been fine, but it wasn't perfect.

During dialysis on Thursday, the song "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" came into my mind. I have always loved the melody, and have heard the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing it several times. I knew the lyrics, but not well. I was going on the melody alone. The song just wouldn't leave my thoughts.

Thursday and Friday I searched and searched for a good arrangement online. I found several pieces arranged for voice, for piano and other adaptations, but none of them were right. I finally found a songbook of pieces performed by Jenny Oaks Baker, a LDS violinist. It had seven sacred pieces, including "Come Thou Fount." I listened to her perform it on YouTube, and fell in love.

This morning, I realized that I hadn't really read the lyrics, so I looked them up online. After reading them, I realized that there was a reason this song is the right one. The lyrics are my grandpa's testimony.

1. Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

3. Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

4. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for inspiration from my grandpa on choosing just the right song to honor him. As I said before, after reading the lyrics, I KNOW that this is what he wants. I hope to perform it next Saturday in a manner worthy of his love.

A Giant Among Men

2011-04-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Grandpa

The title of this blog gets overused. A lot. However, in this case, it fits the man I'm going to write about to a "t."

Last week, my grandpa suffered a pretty severe heart attack. Luckily, my grandparents had recently moved closer to a great hospital in Provo, Utah and were able to get him there quickly. They put a stent in his artery, and he was doing well. So well, in fact, that they discharged him Friday and let him go home.

Early Saturday morning, he suffered a major stroke, and was once again transported to the hospital. They tried several procedures to clear the blockage, but to no avail. That evening he had another major stroke that left him paralyzed on one side of his body, and unable to swallow or talk. My dad and grandma (along with other members of the family, I'm sure) decided that the best course of action to take would be to just keep him comfortable and let nature take it's course.

This has been hard news for me to take, and I've spent a lot of time over the past few days crying for my grandpa. I love him so much. When we first found out about the stroke, I told Gordon that I always wanted to marry someone just like my grandpa, and I know--without a doubt--that I did. My grandpa is physically strong and has been a hard worker his entire life. He worked in construction and was a plumber with his brothers in Southern California until the early 1980s, when he decided that he wanted to go back to school to become a seminary teacher. I admired this so much. He has a tremendous love for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and has the most unshakable testimony of anyone I know.

My grandparents were married 63 years ago. That's pretty amazing, especially by today's standards. They have nine children and a zillion grandchildren and great-grandchildren. (I say a "zillion" because I'm not completely sure how many they have...but it's a bunch!) They have not always had an easy life. It has been full of heartache, financial difficulties, children who have strayed, and illness, but through it all they have always had a deep and abiding love for each other. He has always treated my grandma like a queen, and I don't ever recall hearing an unkind word from him towards her.

My sister called me last night around 2:30 a.m. and told me that he'd passed away. My cousin Brian was with him...how special for Brian. Brian's dad, Tom passed away several years ago, and I'm sure that Tom has been waiting patiently for my grandpa to come "home." I can't think of a more appropriate person to be there when he left this life.

This is going to be a long blog, and it's meant mostly for me...so I apologize in advance, but I wanted to share some memories of my grandpa. Some are sacred to me, some may be a tad embellished (due to my addled mind), and some are just fun. I'm sure I'll also add to this list as time goes on.

Sometime when I was young (I don't remember when,) my grandparents took me and my Aunt Sarah and Aunt Ruth on a road trip to the Grand Canyon to visit my Aunt Beth, who was working there. On the way there, I became carsick and the only "receptacle" we had to catch my vomit was a Big Gulp cup. I vomited and vomited until I filled the entire cup to the brim, and then I managed to stop, which was lucky for all of us!
My grandpa gives the best hugs of anyone in the entire world. You feel like you're enveloped in strength and power. I can't wait until I can have another hug.
When we were living in Southern California, my family was going through some hard times and we lived with my grandparents for a while. I remember my grandpa coming home with a black and blue hand. He said he'd been bitten by a black widow spider. The funny thing to me at the time was that he didn't seem bothered by it at all, whereas I was completely freaked out by it!
My grandpa makes the most amazing oatmeal and toast. We'd have it for breakfast just about every time we stayed at their house. I can't remember which one would say it, but when the toast got burnt, either grandpa or grandma wouldn't complain--they'd simply say, "I love burnt toast."
When my grandparents moved from Garden Grove, CA to Fairview, UT, they were so excited to get away from California. They bought a 5-acre parcel of land in a development called "Hideaway Valley." I think the land cost them $5,000. The first thing they did was invite the family out for a picnic and "shed raising" party. They built a little shed, which took just a few hours, and that was their first improvement to the land. My husband, in typical Gordon fashion, climbed on top of the shed and did a little jig.
My grandpa knows more about the scriptures than anyone else I know. He studied them diligently and knew the origins of words that were difficult to understand and could explain gospel principles so well. I am sure that he is with other scriptural scholars right now, discussing important points of the gospel. I can't think of anything he'd rather be doing right now.
About eight years ago, my grandparents were called on a mission to serve in Nauvoo, Illinois. This is an important historical site in our church, as it was where the early members of our church were able to settle and find peace for a while. Grandpa served as the area plumber and grandma worked in the various visitor sites. I think at one point, she worked in the gunsmith shop, which is ironic considering I don't think either she or grandpa ever owned a gun. The highlight of their mission, though, was performing in the musical productions. My grandparents loved to sing, and I loved to hear them sing. My grandma's beautiful soprano voice mixed with my grandpa's deep baritone made going to church with them so fun. I'm positive that I got my love of music from them.
When he was a bit younger, my grandpa would wear Hawaiian shirts like the one below. No one else could "rock" these shirts like grandpa!

Last year, when I was just beginning my kidney ordeal, I was at my sister's house in Utah with several members of my family. I had asked my dad if he could give me a blessing of health, and my grandpa was there and able to assist. Before the blessing, he told me that when I was sick as a child, he watched me suffer so much that he wondered if it was worth it for me to even go on living. With tears in his eyes (and mine) he said that he now knew it was worth it when he looks at my loving husband and two amazing children. That has sustained me throughout the trials I've had the last year and a half.
Last month, my brother Josh was married. At the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, I saw my grandpa for what would be the last time. With tears in his eyes (again...we Cobabes are criers!) he told me he wasn't even going to ask me how I was doing or when I'd have my transplant because he knew I was tired of answering. He just hugged me and told me that he loved me and was praying for me.
Monday, as I was on my way to dialysis, I called my sister Michelle, who happened to be in grandpa's hospital room at the time. She told me that I could talk to grandpa using her speakerphone. I wasn't really prepared for this, but I told him that I loved him so much and that I was glad he was at peace. My dad (who was also there) told me that as I spoke to my grandpa, he was nodding and tears were in his eyes. My dad said that one of the last things he asked before he was unable to speak was how I was doing, and when I'd be able to get my transplant. That meant so much to me. I told grandpa that I think I'm trying to set the world's record for the most tranplant delays. My dad said that he thinks I was just waiting so that grandpa could be there with Michelle and I in the operating room, watching over us. I know he'll be there taking care of us like he always has.

Several years ago, my grandpa wrote down his testimony of Jesus Christ, of the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ, and of the family and gave it to each one of us. It is one of the most precious things I own. I would like to add my testimony to his that I know that families are forever and that I will see my grandpa again. I know that when I do, he will wrap me in his arms and tell me how proud he is of me and all that I've accomplished. I know that he will be able to tell me that it's all been worth it. I know that he will be there to show me the way, and will introduce me to our Savior. I know that he is one of the strong and valiant beings and is one of our Father's most chosen spirits. I am so happy for him that he is home at last.

I love you so much, grandpa. See you soon!

The Power of Music

2011-04-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

This month's ward newsletter article:

A few weeks ago, my son came home from a shopping trip with his dad. He had some birthday money and purchased a couple of CDs that he was pretty excited about. After looking at one of the CDs, I asked his dad why he'd let him purchase this particular CD. I had not heard the music on it, but I knew that the language and subject matter was questionable, to say the least. My son assured me that he'd purchased the "clean" version of the CD, which meant that all of the bad language had been taken out.

He became pretty upset when I told him that I didn't want him to listen to that CD. He was mad that I wouldn't let him listen to a CD he had purchased with his own money. His dad and I told him that he had the choice to do what he wanted, but I wanted to let him know how I felt about this particular artist. We looked up the lyrics to one of the songs on the CD, and my husband told him that the song contained just about every swear word he knew. Even though the words were "bleeped" out, our mind still fills in the blank. This particular artist also degrades women and condones a lifestyle that is not becoming a priesthood holder.

Music is a very powerful tool--both for good and for evil. There is a reason why Primary children spend twenty minutes each Sunday learning songs. They contain gospel messages set to music that stay with us our entire lives. We may not remember a particular Sharing Time lesson, but we do remember the songs we learned in Primary.

Satan knows this truth, and uses it to teach his "lessons" as well. The popular songs on the radio today condone violence, promiscuity, drug and alcohol use and living an unclean life. Just like the songs we learn in Primary, the lyrics and messages of these songs stay with us. There is something about messages put to music that tend to stay in our memory a lot longer than words just spoken.

As a musician, I know how powerful music can be. I have been brought to tears by a Mozart aria or Beethoven sonata. Listening to good music can lift our spirits and help us feel better. Some of the moments in my life where I have felt the Spirit the most strongly is when I am really listening to music. I know that it was created by our Heavenly Father for His purposes.

As parents, I encourage you to be involved and aware of what your children are listening to. While music can "soothe the savage beast," it can also bring out the "beast" in your children and set them down the wrong path. I encourage my son to make sure that he is listening to music that would be acceptable if Christ were to walk in the room. If we use that as our standard, we will be sure that we stay true.

Light Bulb

2011-03-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ian and I watched "Despicable Me" the other day. He loves that movie, and I love listening to him laugh. My childrens' laughter is my favorite sound in the whole world.

Anyway, when Gru gets a great idea, he says--in a deadpan voice--, "Light bulb."

I just had one of those moments.

I've spent a lot of time over the last 15 months wondering why all of this garbage has been happening to me. "Why?" is a mantra that I can't seem to put aside.

I'm a relatively good person. I try to do what's right, I love my family, I am kind to others (well, unless they annoy me,) so why do I keep getting "blessed" with these trials? Some people are ill as a result of the choices they make in their lives. They have no one to blame but themselves for what they are going through. For me, there seems to be no logical reason why I had cancer as a child and am now dealing with all of these late-term side effects. I often think that it's just not fair...I had no say in the matter.

This morning, as I woke up, a thought came to me:

I did choose this.

Yep...I chose all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I know that as a child of God, I had a choice and a say in what would happen to me before I came to earth. I know that I lived with Him, and we probably discussed my life. I like to imagine that it would have been similar to the loving talks that my dad and I have. He probably sat me down and told me that I'd get to come to earth and have wonderful, amazing experiences, but with that would also come some pretty significant trials. He told me that if I can make it through these trials, I'd be a stronger person for it and that I'd be able to be more compassionate and understanding of others.

I imagine that I was so anxious to get here that I told Him I'd take whatever came my way. He promised me that in exchange for the hard times, I'd be blessed in so many other ways...most of them I'll never even fully realize. In exchange for not being able to have children by myself, He blessed me with two amazing birth mothers who have given me the greatest gift anyone could ever give. In exchange for being so ill this past year, he has blessed me with a greater love for my husband than I could have ever realized.

While, I'm sure I'll still have days where I ask why this has to happen to me, I'm grateful for this "light bulb" moment. I know that it came from Someone who loves me very much.

It's About Time!!

2011-02-19T12:58:00.000-08:00

So, it's snowing, and when it's snowing my satellite doesn't work, so I can't watch TV. This is probably a good thing.

You see, I've been meaning to write for a while, but for some reason I just don't do it. Today I have no excuse...

It's been a rough week, but also a week of spiritual enlightenment and some tremendous surprise blessings.

February 1 I went to Mayo Clinic for a CT scan. This scan would reveal just how well my new stent is doing and would (hopefully) clear me for transplant. I had the scan, and then had an appointment with the vascular surgeon later in the day to hear the verdict.

When I saw the surgeon, he didn't have the results, but wanted to get me the news, so he went to go and find the results himself. When he came back to the room, he was beaming and said he had great news. Everything looked great, and we could proceed with the transplant. Gordon and I were so happy.

I called Michelle, and she called Mayo and told them we needed a date right away. (Somehow, she manages to get answers when I can't...go figure.) Within a day we had a surgery date of Friday, February 18. That was so quick! Last time we had to wait over a month. We were pretty stoked, to say the least.

Soon, everyone knew and they were all thrilled and excited for me. I kept saying that I'd be excited when the kidney is in and is working. I just didn't want to get my hopes up too high, as I'd been let down before and it was more than a little hard.

Thursday, February 10 I went to Mayo again for my pre-surgery visits. Everyone I met with was so excited for me and was so relieved that it would finally be done. My nurse case manager even cried as we talked about the journey we'd been on together. She said she knew I'd be a tough case, but that it would get done.

As I met with the transplant surgeon, he said that he'd need to check my Hepatitis B virus count one more time before surgery. (Luckily, he was able to use the blood draw I'd had done earlier that morning.) For some reason, this felt funny to me and I had a feeling it would mean trouble. No one had checked my count since I'd been cleared for transplant the first time in October 2010. (This was the first hurdle I had to overcome.)

For some reason, somewhere along the way in my life I contracted Hepatitis B. I can't be sure where, as I've been a "good girl" my entire life. The one theory I have is that I got it from a blood transfusion when I had cancer in the late 1970s. Three of my six siblings also have it, so I may have given it to them as well. It's highly contagious and can live in outside the body for weeks.

I saw a liver specialist when I was first worked up for a transplant at Mayo. He said we'd need to get the viral count under control before I would be cleared for transplant. He put me on a medication called Viread, which is an anti-viral medication. I was on it for three months before my viral count was under control. I was under the impression that once I was cleared, I wouldn't need to take the med anymore. Boy, was I wrong.

The blood test done on February 10 came back with a higher viral count than I'd ever had before.

I was on my way to what I thought was my last dialysis treatment when I got a call from my transplant nephrologist. He gave me the bad news and I lost it. (I feel kind of bad for sobbing in his ear, but I couldn't help it.) I was crying so hard that I had to pull over to the side of the road until I could regain composure. Through the next couple of phone calls--first from the liver specialist and then from my nurse case manager--I began to understand how dangerous having a transplant when the viral count was so high would be.

Because I will be on immuno-suppression drugs after transplant, the HepB virus would have had a field day. It would have taken over and could have potentially sent me into liver failure. Not pleasant to think about. The liver specialist apologized profusely, and said that somewhere we must have gotten our wires crossed. Evidently, I'll be on this medication for the rest of my life, but this was not something I understood at the time.

I'll have a blood draw in three weeks, and then again in six weeks if the count isn't good the first time. We have a tentative surgery date of April 13 if I have to wait the whole six weeks. (I'm--of course--hoping for three!)

This week I've had some pretty incredible spiritual experiences. Some were totally random...like chatting with the medical assistant at my neurologist appointment. She didn't know me, but looking at my chart, she said she believed I was chosen to have these trials because of who I was before I came here. Pretty remarkable. I had lunch with my good friend Gina, who has also had a tough year. We were able to "compare notes" and realize that we were in the same place emotionally. I've received cards, flowers and even some cute pajamas from people that love me. Some relatives I haven't had contact with in several years sent us a card with $500.00 in it. How did they know we were struggling to pay rent this month?

There have been times the past 15 months that I've wondered if my Heavenly Father knows I'm here and that I'm struggling. There have been many, many times when I've asked Him why I have to go through this. Haven't I been through enough? When will it be enough? I spoke with my dad this week, and we just both got angry at the prospect of this never ending.

I know that the one thing that has sustained me through this trial is my faith. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that this WILL end. I am grateful to know that when this life is over, I will have a perfect body. I don't even know what if feels like to feel "normal." How wonderful will that be!

I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for a sister who is so willing to give up part of her so that I can be healthy again. I am grateful for a husband who has been with me, holding my hand every step of the way. I am grateful for my kids who understand when I don't feel well. I am grateful for my parents who love me and made the decision to save my life when I was too young to make it for myself. We all had no idea at the time what life would hold for me, but I'm grateful that they gave me the chance to find out.

Becoming Who You Were Meant to Be

2010-12-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

Life is funny. You get dealt a certain set of cards when you are born, and the cards change throughout your life. Some of the changes are your fault, some are just happenstance. What you do with your hand throughout your life determines who you are.

One of my former students is going to be graduating soon from college. I've known this student (we'll call him Nate ;oP) since he was in the sixth grade. I was his first band director...I taught him before I took a year off to take care of Courtnie. He was a super shy kid who just wanted to play the drums. Before I started teaching at BMHS, I would go to the football games and see him playing on the drumline his freshmen year. It was neat to see that he was still playing and having a great time.

When I was offered the position at BMHS, I was excited to work with him again. I was also able to learn a lot more about him. He was raised by a single mom and never knew his dad. His mom had addiction problems when he was a child, and I'm sure he never had any money. His older sister is now dealing with the same addiction problems.

It would have been easy for him to use all of the above as an excuse, but he never did. I never heard him complain about his upbringing or his difficulties. He worked so hard to overcome everything. He was the drumline captain his junior and senior years and set the bar for other students to try to reach. He worked bagging groceries so he could buy a "beater" car to get around in. He would ask to stay and practice after I'd left for the evening. (I think he actually slept in the band room, but I'll never know for sure.)

He's been studying music education at NAU for the past four years. He volunteers to come to BMHS to help out with the drumline and marching band as much as he is able. He has arranged the drumline and pit music for our marching show for the past two years, and has done and amazing job. He's composing music for different groups at NAU, and has come to appreciate and understand music in a way that is totally new. It has been so rewarding to me to see him grow into an exceptional musician and teacher. I'm grateful that I was able to have a small part in his life. I am 100% positive that he will be successful in whatever he decides he wants to be.

The hand of cards we're dealt don't have to determine who we will become. We have the power to ask the "dealer" for new cards, and we can decide how we want to play the cards. As long as we stay in the game and keep working with those cards, we'll be the ones to determine the outcome.

I'm grateful for people like Nate who have taught me this lesson so well.

Love Conquers All

2010-12-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

I promised a happy post about Thanksgiving weekend, so here it is:

At the last minute, we decided to go to Idaho to see my parents and brother Alex. I haven't seen my mom since she had her car accident in September, and I felt like I needed to. The roads were TERRIBLE both there and back, but Gordon is awesome at driving in the snow and ice, so we made it there safely.

It was so good to visit for a few days with my folks. They are great people, and are so good to me. It was also awesome to spend Saturday with my grandparents and a few of my brothers and sisters. We had so much fun just hanging out. All of the cousins played so well together...it was a blast. I wish we could do it more often.

Friday night we took my parents and Alex out to dinner at Applebee's. I had some pasta with alfredo sauce, and (of course) it made my stomach upset. I was up several times during the night. One of the times I was up I heard my dad talking in their bedroom (this was around 2 a.m.) I couldn't make out exactly what he was saying, but it almost sounded like a prayer. I got up again a little while later and he was still talking. At this point, I was pretty impressed with the length of his prayer. :)

In the morning, my mom asked me if I was okay, as she heard me get up several times. I asked her what dad was talking about in the middle of the night, and she told me that he reads to her when she wakes up in pain. She said it helps take her mind off the pain.

I was so touched by this. My parents have been married for 38 years and my dad still loves my mom enough to read to her and help her in the middle of the night. This exemplified true love to me.

It's funny how sometimes it takes a trial to realize how much you need your spouse. Gordon has been the most incredible husband the past year. He has cleaned up my vomit, held my hand when I was hurting, been my advocate with doctors, and has comforted me when I didn't think I could go on. In our 19 years of marriage, I've never loved him more.

As much as this past year has been one of the worst I've had, it's also been one of many blessings. We have been blessed in so many ways, and I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for them.

Endurance...

2010-12-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

It's been a week!

Monday at dialysis, the doc told me that it was time to take the dialysis catheter out. I had talked her into giving me a few days to see if the antibiotics would work, but my body seems to hate vancomycin. Oh well...

It was taken out Tuesday by a surgeon I know well in Prescott. Thankfully, he took one look at my absurd catheter that the access center in Phoenix put in and told me it would be too painful to take out while I was awake. I had to wait a couple of hours for the OR to open up, but I was grateful to be asleep when he took it out.

Wednesday Gordon and I travelled to Mayo for a consultation with a vascular disease specialist. He asked a ton of questions, felt for pulses at various places in my body and then sent me down for labs. (My favorite!) It only took two tries for the blood draw, so we had a good day! I came home so exhausted...I fell asleep at 6:00 and didn't wake up until this morning.

Today, I got to the hospital at 9:00 for the new catheter placement. While I was in pre-op they had to put an IV in. I think six different nurses tried, and they finally called in the radiologist to use the ultrasound machine to find a vein. He put in a four-inch catheter in my upper right arm. Kind of weird. A little while later, the anesthesiologist came in and told the nurse to give me 2 grams of Versed. It's my new favorite drug! :) Once it's in, you don't remember a thing!

I woke up after surgery in a lot of pain. The surgeon put the new catheter in on my left side (the other two I've had have been placed on the right side.) Once again, grateful for good pain meds. They made me a little nauseous, but I managed okay. Gordon came and picked me up and we went home. (After stopping for a HUGE Mountain Dew.)

Gordon got called in early for work today, and in order to get enough sleep he had to miss Ian's wrestling tournament. We felt so bad that he wouldn't have anyone there for him. It's the first time that he's been on his own. Maybe he should do it more often...he took 2nd place! I'm so proud of him! He's getting better each year and I just love watching him wrestle.

Dialysis tomorrow...we'll see how this new catheter behaves! Hopefully it will be the last one until the transplant in February!!

Done...again

2010-11-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

I was all set to write a happy blog about the great Thanksgiving weekend I had with my wonderful family. Perhaps I'll write two blogs today-one happy and one not so much.

So, last Monday I was done with dialysis and they took my temperature, as they always do. They stuck the thing in my ear and it registered 99.0. I guess you add a degree when you take the temp in the ear, so they rounded it up to 100.0. They always freak out when my temperature goes above normal because they're worried about infections in my dialysis catheter.

They drew blood cultures and sent them off to the lab.

Wednesday, I was sitting in the dialysis chair, anticipating the weekend and our travels, when the lab results came back positive for bacteria in my bloodstream. Wonderful. I feel fine--not symptomatic at all, so I think it's all garbage, but I promise to go to the ER where ever I am if I feel sick at all. I then figure that we can do the mega-antibiotics on Monday (today) when I come back to dialysis. It's happened before.

I'm resting peacefully in my warm bed this morning when I get a call from the dialysis nurse telling me that my nephrologist wants me to get a new catheter put in this week. She said the bacteria was MRSA...something they didn't tell me before. Again...wonderful.

I'm just plain out of tears. I don't have any more room left to be happy. I can't understand why this keeps happening to me. I've tried so hard to be happy and maintian a positive attitude, but I just don't understand. I want so badly to "get" why I keep going through trials-one after another-that just don't seem to end.

My brain tells me that there's something more to this. Something more that I (or someone else) is supposed to get out of these problems. I know that life's not supposed to be fair, and that things happen for a reason. My brain tells me that I have so much to live for and so many blessings, and that I should just be grateful for those. It also tells me that there are SO many people in the world who are worse off than I am.

My heart and soul just want to kick and scream and yell that it's just not fair. I want to know why. As Sally Field says in "Steel Magnolias," "I want to hit someone until they hurt like I do."

I also want to know that it's going to end. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being poked, prodded, cut open, examined, and in pain.

I had just gotten (relatively) over the disappointment of the kidney transplant postponement. I had just accepted the fact that I added two more pills to my arsenal.

When am I going to get a break?

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

So, here I sit...at dialysis...again. (I feel like Forrest Gump when he talks about how he met the President...again...)

It's a strange and sorted tale on why I'm back. Whether you want to hear about it or not is up to you, but here goes:

Two weeks before my transplant was scheduled, I went to Mayo for a CT scan of my kidneys. The docs wanted to make sure I was still cancer-free. (I had a cancerous tumor removed from my right kidney in 2008.)

One week before transplant was scheduled, I had a series of appointments and tests to prepare for surgery. In one of the appointments, my nurse/coordinator mentioned that the CT scan showed that my aorta bypass that I had done last December was now blocked on the right side, and that needed to be fixed before they could transplant the kidney. (They attach the new kidney on the right side and attach the renal artery to the aorta on the right side.) She scheduled an appointment with a vascular surgeon, and I saw him on Thursday. (Five days before scheduled transplant.) He said that he could go in and put a stent in my aorta, which would increase the blood flow and make the transplant possible. When I asked him about the bypass graft, he said, "Oh, that's no good anymore."

I was floored. This entire kidney ordeal began immediatley after I had the bypass surgery. I felt like the entire last year and all of the problems I've had have been for nothing, as the end result was that nothing was improved, and we were back to square one. This was hard news to take.

The surgeon said that he could schedule the procedure for sometime in the next couple of weeks, at which time his intern spoke up and said, "Her transplant is scheduled for Tuesday." He looked a little stressed, but said that we could schedule it for Monday.

Okay--so at this point, I'm thinking that it's not going to be a big deal. Stent in on Monday, transplant on Tuesday. I can do this.

We go in Monday morning to prepare for the procedure. It doesn't take long...I wasn't even under heavy anesthesia for it. I was out by early afternoon and visited with Gordon and the kids before they checked in to the hotel and went to pick up Aaron and Michelle from the airport.

Around 1:30 a.m. on Tuesday, I woke up and my right foot was completely numb. I called the nurse, who called the doctor. They couldn't figure out why this was happening, so they called the surgeon. He said to get up and walk around a bit. I took two laps around the ward, and my foot was still numb and my right leg was throbbing and hurting. By this time, the surgeon came in (I'm sure I woke him up), took a look at my legs and feet and said that we needed to do some emergency surgery to clean out the arteries in my legs. He said that what happened was that when they cleaned out my artery and put the stent in, it sent "trash" and clots down to my legs and feet. You could even see black and blue marks on the bottom of my feet where the "trash" had settled. He also said this surgery would mean we'd need to postpone the transplant.

I'm hurting pretty bad by this point...the morphine and percoset they gave me isn't even touching the pain. I call Gordon to tell him the news, and then get wheeled down to the OR around 3:30.

I'm so upset at this point that tears roll down my cheeks. I try hard not to think of the question, "WHY??" but that's all that keeps coming to me. I'm so frustrated. I feel bad for Michelle, who was anticipating this (and anticipating it being over!) I feel bad for my friends and family who have prayed so hard for me. I feel bad for my kids because I know that they want their mom back. I feel bad for Gordon, who has been there with me every step of the way.

I come out of surgery sore, but feeling better. I see Michelle and Aaron before they leave to fly home. Michelle and I look at each other and start to cry a bit. Aaron grabs my hand and says, "Michelle is here for you whenever you need her." That meant so much to me. Later that day, Gordon's mom and sister come to see me. Gordon's mom took my hand and told me how courageous I was. I felt kind of wimpy, and that buoyed me up.

Gordon took Ian and Courtnie home Tuesday night so that they could go to school the rest of the week. I called to say good night as they were on their way home. When Ian and I spoke, he said, "Mom, I know that everything happens for a reason." His faith hit me so hard, and helped me to stop feeling sorry for myself. He's right, and I know it. That boy never ceases to amaze me--such a strong faith and testimony of obedience for such a young man.

I was blessed with amazing nurses for my entire stay. They kept me smiling and happy. Gordon came each day and we held hands and watched movies. I'm so grateful for him. He's truly my best friend.

While in the hospital, I had three blood draws a day, as they were testing my blood for the coumadin level and to see how fast it clots. I think I counted thirty tiny scabs where a needle was inserted for either an IV or a blood draw. I LOVE that I have wonderful veins! :^p By Friday, all of my levels were good and I was able to go home.

So nice to be home. I'm anxious to do all I can to help my postponed transplant happen sooner rather than later. As soon as my blood levels level out, we can start discussing scheduling the tranplant. The docs said one to three months, but I'm pushing for the shorter time. I see the vascular surgeon on Dec. 3 and see a vascular disease specialist on Dec 8. Hopeful for answers.

Again, I'm reminded that they ONLY thing we have complete control over in our lives is our attitude.

Testing, testing...part 2

2010-10-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

I've had a great couple of weeks. Not only am I starting to feel a little more human, but I've had two of the greatest women I know come to visit me and impact my life in ways they may never fully understand.

My Aunt Sarah came on October 7 to cook for my family and clean my house. I don't think my family has ever eaten so well. She really spoiled them! My house is gleaming...baseboards cleaned, floor mopped, even my fridge is cleaned out! I'm so grateful. As I said to her when I was dropping her off at the airport...some people come to your home and add a sweet spirit that really affects your family. Sarah's presence did just that. I'm so grateful not only for a clean house, but for the spirit she left in our home. I sincerely hope that it lasts for a while.

My sister Michelle came in on October 10 to complete her testing as a potential kidney donor. She never complained about the pain--even when she was giving blood or having an IV put in for her CT scan. I forgot to warn her about the "interesting" sensation that the CT contrast gives you--sorry! (It makes you feel like you've wet your pants.) It was fun to just hang out, eat at good restaurants, and visit. I'm really grateful for her selflessness. She doesn't want anyone to know that she's doing this, because she doesn't like the "oh you're so great" attention, but she's really awesome.

We find out Tuesday afternoon if we're good to go. I forgot to mention that I got a call while I was in dialysis on October 7 that I'm completely cleared for transplant. My HepB status is good, and my insurance has cleared me...so....we're all good to go. If Michelle is approved, then all we need to do is schedule the surgery. I can't wait!!

Stormy Weather

2010-10-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I was on my way to dialysis, I noticed storm clouds in the horizon. I got a little excited, because I LOVE stormy days.

Of course, while I was in my cubicle/fishbowl at dialysis I had no idea what was happening outside. When I got off, I stepped outside into torrential rain and wind. It was COLD!! I shuffled to my car, which is about the best I can do right now, and was soaking wet by the time I got there. I turned on the heater and tried to dry out by the time I got home. No dice.

By the way--the ride home was frustrating. Why do people think they have to drive 30 miles under the speed limit just because it's raining? GO already! :)

So my dialysis catheter keeps leaking from the insertion site. (My chest) It just trickles blood for about 30 seconds and then stops, but it's ruining my clothes. Yesterday, the dialysis tech cleaned my site and in the process got my shirt sopping wet. Then, when my catheter leaked, the blood just spread out all over. It was really gross. I looked like a newborn who had drooled blood all over their shirt. Lovely. As Courtnie said, "Luckily you were just coming home after!" The doc says it's because it hasn't healed all the way and the only option we have is to get a new catheter. Um...no.

I just ate breakfast and took my meds and they're starting to kick in. The room starts to spin a bit and I get a little woozy. Not a fan of side effects. I need to make some phone calls today to get things set up. Still haven't had an MRI or seen the neurologist. I also need to get my HepB status from my doctor so I can tell the liver specialist at Mayo. I just want everything lined up so that once Michelle is cleared, we're good to go.

Happy stormy day, everyone! :)

Top of the Muffin to You!

2010-09-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's time for a change, so here goes:

I'm going to try to be more grateful and more positive in my postings. Who wants to read about a whiner?

I got a haircut and my hair colored yesterday afternoon. I really like it. It looked a little better last night than it does today, but it still looks better than it did. I was WAY overdue for a salon appointment!!

This morning I woke up, took the kids to school and decided that I wanted muffins for breakfast. I drove into Albertsons and purchased some muffin mix, orange juice, and Wheat Thins. Once I got to the car, I decided that I was thirsty, so I opened the orange juice I bought (Simply Orange--with pineapple juice.) I'd never purchased this brand of OJ before, so I was most pleasantly pleased when it hit my taste buds. YUMMMMMY! A taste explosion!

Got home, made my muffins, and enjoyed them right out of the oven with a bit of butter on them. Again--YUMMMMMY!

So today, I'm grateful for food. It's been a while since I've been able to really enjoy food, and this morning was a treat! One good thing about being sick is that I really don't feel too guilty "treating" myself to yummy things.

Yesterday--aside from getting my hair done--I was super busy. I had a dentist appointment, a blood draw, shuttled kids around and (I'll confess) took a little nap. Good news that I wasn't expecting to hear: NO CAVITIES!! With all of the vomiting I've been doing the past 10 months, I thought for sure I'd have at least a few cavities. Dentist said nope, and that everything looks really good. This is even better news, as I needed dental clearance for my transplant.

Another blessing yesterday--the dental clearance form asked for a panoramic x-ray, something my dentist can't do. They called over to an orthodontist (who's in my ward) and they did the panoramic x-ray for me for free! Love that!

Now--all I'm waiting on is my Hep B viral load to be low enough and Michelle's testing, which will take place in less than two weeks. I'm really hoping we can get this done by the end of October! I'm SOOOO ready!

Dialysis in two hours. My nephrologist put me on yet another blood pressure med. This makes five different kinds of blood pressure meds. I take 16 pills a day...can you believe that? I'm hoping that my blood pressure will be more under control during dialysis so I won't get so sick. It's been hovering around 200/100 while I'm undergoing treatment. Not too good. It makes me scared that I'll have another seizure...that thought scares me more than anything right now. I'll just keep hoping and praying...

By the way...another thing I'm SO grateful for:

Friends and family who read my blog and offer words of encouragement and strength. You'll never know how deeply your words touch me and how they brighten my day. I love you so much.

Coming out of the Fog

2010-09-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

I had a really good night's sleep last night. I don't think I got up even once to use the bathroom, and that's HUGE for me.

I woke up this morning to take my kids to school and almost felt human. It's a good feeling...one I'd like to have last a bit longer. I really love my kids. They help me stay grounded and give me a reason to keep plugging along.

After I went to dialysis yesterday, I went to see my primary care doctor. Can I just tell you again how much I love her? I just sat and cried to her and she just sat and listened, without judging, and completely understanding. She is aware of everything I'm going through, and tells me how tough I am. This was something I needed to hear desperately, as I'm not feeling so tough right now.

She told me to seek out something that will give me a sense of purpose while I'm not working. Maybe I need to pick up cross-stitching again, or get one of my friends to teach me to knit (again!) I feel like if I could find something to occupy my time, I wouldn't feel so lonely and worthless.

Oh--but I could also clean my house...there is that. :)

Bootstraps, anyone?

2010-09-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

My sister Michelle sends me links to various blogs. Most of them have are blogs of people who have gone or are going through some kind of adversity in their life.

While I should find them inspiring and wonderful, they just make me feel stupid. My problems are so minuscules compared to others in the world. I just want to be happy, and I have SO many reasons to be, but I just physically can't get happy. Every time I think about anything, I cry.

My mom's in the hospital, and I can't be there for her.

Not that you needed to know this, but I've had an upset stomach for the past three weeks, and have been downing the Imodium like it's candy.

The meds I'm on make me feel like my head's detached from my body.

I'm crabby ALL of the time, and snap at my husband and kids for absolutely nothing.

My house is messy, there's laundry to be done, and I just can't get it done.

I've abandoned my job...something that makes me happy. I just found out I only have seven more weeks of leave covered under FMLA. Does this mean I'll lose my job? I wasn't planning on going back to work until the beginning of January.

I just really want to stop crying at the drop of a hat. I'm so done. I know that all of this will pass, and it will be a memory. I also know that my attitude determines so much of my happiness, but I'm having a hard time right now.

Please, please, please....

I Can Do Hard Things

2010-09-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

My sister, Lindsey has that saying in her house. I think of it often.

I've cried a lot over the past few weeks, so forgive me if I don't make a whole lot of sense with this post. I just feel the need to get some thoughts out.

To sum up what I've been up to lately:

Around September 8, I started having chest pains on my left side. It basically hurt to breathe and it was impossible to breathe deeply. I went to the doctor on the morning of September 10 and they drew some blood and sent it off to the lab. I went back to work, not feeling so hot, but we had a game that night so I needed to be there. The doctor's office called me a couple of hours later and told me to get to the ER right away as the lab results came back that I might have a blood clot in my lung.

I called Gordon, and we went to the ER in Prescott. They ruled out a blood clot, but said I had pneumonia, so I stayed a few days in the hospital. I never felt great, but wanted to go home so badly that they let me on the 15th.

At home, I couldn't keep anything down...not water, not food...nothing. I didn't realize it, but my blood pressure was sky high and my brain had started to swell. Sunday evening (September 18,) my right leg started to convulse uncontrollably. We thought it was just a cramp, but decided to go to the ER anyway. All the way to the ER, I just didn't feel right. We were walking in the door to the ER, when my leg started convulsing again. Gordon went to go and get me a wheelchair, and by the time he got back to me, I was in a full-blown grand mal seizure. I don't remember much after that... I woke up for a bit and then had another seizure in the ER. When I woke up the next time, I was in the ICU.

I spent three days in the ICU and then two days on the 4th floor before I was able to go home again. I'm on larger doses of blood pressure meds, and am also taking anti-seizure meds for the time being. I'll have another MRI on Monday and see the neurologist on Friday. It's taken me a few days to get my bearings...I feel off still, and am having a hard time doing simple motor skills. I'm sure it will come back.

Gordon was scared out of his mind, and we both came to the decision that I shouldn't go back to work until I get my transplant. I need to concentrate on getting well before I can take care of others. I'm no good to anyone right now, and they won't even clear me for transplant if I'm not healthy. I've cried and cried about this decision, because my job means so much to me. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's been so hard. I know that I need this time to realize what is most important, and it's not my job...it's my family.

This morning, I got a call from my sister Lindsey. My mom has been in a bad car accident. She was t-boned going to work and was air-evaced to Idaho Falls. She has broken ribs, pelvis, a lacerated bowel and kidney, but looks like she's going to make it. I'm so worried about her and wish I could be closer to her. I know she's in good hands and many people are praying for her. She's been my rock my entire life...I hope she feels my love for her right now.

I need strength to get through this. I know that my Savior is there, and I know that He wants so badly to help me. I know He can help me me get through this rough time, and that we'll all look back on it as a time we grew immensely.

One Proud Wifey

2010-09-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my husband's first home game as a head coach of the freshmen football team. He's had a blast coaching them thus far. I was so proud to sit in the stands and watch him work. He is patient, kind and gives all he has to those boys. I hope they appreciate how much he sacrifices for them.

The game didn't go very well. In fact, it was pretty darn miserable. The offensive line couldn't protect the quarterback at all, and he was in a constant state of scramble. This is especially hard for my husband because the offensive line is his "thing."

When we got home, we sat and talked about it for a while. One of the things I love most about my husband is his positive attitude. He really doesn't get down. He just takes a "well, we're going to have to work harder" kind of attitude. I love this.

Gordon has been my hero, and I know he always will be. He's not perfect, but neither am I...not by a long shot. Together we make a pretty good team.

Exhaustion

2010-09-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

At what point are you too tired to function?

I've been so tired lately and have been such a grouch. I've been mean to my kids, my students, and my husband. I know I'm supposed to be able to control my grouchiness, but I seem to have no control over it lately. Everyone and everything annoys the crud out of me.

My favorite grouchy phrase to my students: "I'm going to kill you and eat your children." Hopefully they know I'm just joking... (sort of)

When people ask me how I am, I tell them that I'm fine...just tired. A typical response is, "Yeah, I'm tired, too." Sometimes I want to scream at them that they have NO IDEA what tired feels like. Other times, I just smile and say, "Well, I guess I don't have anything to complain about, then." (Somewhat hoping that they'll catch the note of sarcasm in my voice.)

I want to sleep 24/7, and I think I could if given a chance. Some days it's all I can do to roll out of bed at 5:30 in the morning. I'm in bed by 8:00, and usually asleep by 8:30. During the day I just want to sit and do nothing. Even now, I'm finding it difficult to concentrate and I "zone out" quite often.

My house is messy and I don't know what to do about it. It's not pigsty messy, but the dishes are piling up, and by the time I get home, I'm too tired to stand, let alone do the dishes. I hate that I have to ask Gordon to do everything...he's so busy with work, football and trying to find some time to sleep.

I need to find a way to get out of the funk. I think that the antibiotics may be having some effect on my energy level, but I'm just not sure. I just want to not be and look so tired all of the time.

Boo-hoo! :)

Scary Moments

2010-09-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

My dialysis catheter was infected for quite some time, and for some reason my body just keeps wanting to hang on to this infection. I've had mega-doses of antibiotics for the past month, and I just can't seem to kick it.

My nephrologist wants me to start coming to dialysis three times a week for the next few weeks, which I'm THRILLED about. Great--I get to feel like death three times a week now instead of two! :)

So, last Saturday I went to dialysis for two hours. Fine.

Yesterday, I went again--my normal time. I fell asleep for a bit and when I woke up, my first bag of antibiotics was done. The nurse came in and was about to start my second bag when I started feeling really strange. Completely out of control... I couldn't breathe right, I started vomiting, had a SPLITTING headache and just felt not right. My blood pressure tanked and was at 80/50, which is REALLY low for me. The low blood pressure was the cause of the odd feeling.

They gave me some saline and stopped the antibiotics. It all went away after a few minutes, but I was shot for the rest of the night.

This morning, I woke up with every intention of heading to our 7 a.m. jazz ensemble class, but puked and puked in the shower. Not good. Our head football coach has offered to sit in with my students if I ever needed him to, and he graciously did this today. It's nice to have support...and who knew it would come from the football coach? He's a great guy. We're fortunate to have him.

Good news...only 19 more dialysis treatments! :)

Are You Okay?

2010-09-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

So I throw up. A lot. It's a rare day when I don't at least dry heave several times a day. (Like you all wanted to know that, but I'm telling you anyway. And I do have a point...)

I'm not sure if it's the meds I'm on, or dialysis, or just a general state of not-well-being, but I feel nauseous most of the time.

My vomiting episodes are usually started with a cough of some sort...let's call it the dry heave before the storm. :) When I cough, my kids instantly ask, "Mom, are you okay?"

This happened on Tuesday when Ian and I were on our way home from school. I started gagging a bit and then started vomiting a bit. After the episode was over, Ian asked, "Mom, are you okay?"

I started tearing up a bit and told him that what I'm most excited for about getting a new kidney is that my kids won't have to worry about me anymore. I told him that, while I love that he's worried about me, and I know that he cares about me, it should be me that's worried about him. The roles have been reversed for the past nine months. I'm so ready to be a good mom again.

I love my children more than I can say. They have been so strong and amazing through this whole thing. It would be easy for them to complain and whine about how sick I am, but they don't. I have been so blessed with the two most amazing kids any mom could ever ask for. I hope someday we can look back on all of this with fond memories of how we grew together as a family. It's what I wish for every single day.

Late Night

2010-09-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

For some totally obscure reason, I couldn't sleep last night. I think it was well past midnight by the time I actually fell asleep, and then it was a fitful sleep.

I'm usually asleep by 9:00 or 9:30, so I miss the late night talk shows. Last night, I was flipping through the channels and stopped on David Letterman's show. He had Michael Douglas on, and I was intrigued by what he might talk about, as he was just recently diagnosed with throat cancer.

Of course, he was there to promote his new movie, so there was a lot of talk about that, but then Dave started asking him questions about his diagnosis and treatments.

I was a little taken aback by Michael Douglas' appearance. He looked gaunt and like he'd lost some weight. It was especially noticeable when they showed the clip of his movie, where he looked robust and healthy.

As they started to talk about his treatments and his prognosis, I was impressed by his attitude. He seemed very determined to fight it, and had a great outlook. Instead of taking a "woe is me" attitude, he seemed almost "ho-hum" about the whole thing. Now, I realize this may be an act, but it seemed genuine to me.

I feel confident in saying that this outlook will be his key to success. I am again the proponent of saying that attitude determines EVERYTHING in life. Cancer is a terrible thing, it reeks havoc on everything it comes in contact with, but how you face it determines how you will beat it.

I'm not really a fan of Michael Douglas' work...most of his movies are out of my ethical league...but I do hope he'll recover for the sake of his wife and children. As I said before, if he beats it, it will be because of his great outlook.

Motivation?

2010-08-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

I don't really have a lot to say today, but I wanted to say something, so here goes...

Friday is our first home football game, and I'm more than a little concerned.

I'm not sure what it is this year, but it's just not coming together. The students don't know their sets on the field, they don't know when they're supposed to move and when they're not, and the music isn't sounding as good as it was a few days ago.

I wish I knew what could make a difference.

I got pretty upset and disgusted at Tuesday's practice, and told the band that if they didn't shape up, they'd embarrass themselves on Friday. I told them that they're not living up to the standards of the BMHS marching band.

I think this may have lit a fire under some of them, as they've all called extra practices for today and tomorrow. It goes back to what I tell my leaders--you can't MAKE students want to do better, they have to want to themselves. No one can do it for you. This is the most frustrating thing about being an educator.

I just don't want to put a "half-baked" product out there Friday. It's just not acceptable for me.

Meanwhile, I'm dialysis catheter free for today. Not that it feels much different, as it's become such a part of me the past seven months. It does feel weird to look down and not see tubes hanging out of my chest. I wish I didn't have to go back tomorrow to get a new one put in. If all goes as plan, I should only have 23 more dialysis treatments...but who's counting? :)

I just found out that I have a great sub that can take over while I'm out. This is SUCH a relief! I was really worried about what was going to happen while I was gone, as the only available music sub was asked not to come back last year. I'm glad that I have someone I know I can count on.

Just Another Day in Paradise

2010-08-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

I lost it today, and for really no reason at all...

Two weeks ago, while having my dialysis treatments, I started getting a fever and chills. The nurse gave my Tylenol, and told me to go to the ER if the fever didn't go down. I felt pretty lousy the next day, but not feverish, so I went about my day...

Next treatment, same thing...fever and chills. They took some blood cultures at my catheter site to see if it was infected. The nurse called me Saturday and told me that I needed to go to the ER right away to get IV antibiotics. That was ER visit one. I spent six hours there that day...luckily there was a "Star Wars" marathon on TV. :)

I got more antibiotics at dialysis the following Monday (August 16). Tuesday was the day I broke my pinky toe--ER visit two.

Thursday (August 19)--dialysis, more antibiotics, and another set of blood cultures.

Saturday, August 21 I had a band fundraiser and performance in Prescott all day. Courtnie and I were together while Gordon took Ian to a football game in Flagstaff. We left the event at 5:00 and went to do our shopping for the week. My nephrologist called me while we were in Wal-Mart to tell me that my blood cultures came back positive for yet another infection. (This makes three different types now...) She told me I needed to head back to the ER for more antibiotics. This makes ER trip three.

Yesterday (August 23) I was back at dialysis and getting more antibiotics when the nephrologist came by. She said we'd need to remove my catheter, give it a few days to heal, and then put in a new one.

So...I woke up at 4:30 and headed out for the AKDHC surgical center in Phoenix. I was SOOO tired! Luckily, my good husband talked to me for a while to keep me awake. I got to the center at 7:15, but didn't get taken back until 8:15. I was ticked, as I needed to get back to school ASAP.

They prepped me for the procedure, which involved cleaning the site and draping sterile towels over me. The doctor then came in, gave me a few shots of lidocane to numb the area, (which HURT!!) and then started yanking and yanking on my catheter to remove it.

I don't know if it was the pain, my tiredness, or just sheer exhaustion at having to go through this all, but I started to cry. I lost it. I just got tired of it all. I wondered, yet again, when this was going to end.

The doctor looked at me a little strangely when they took the towels off and saw my wet eyes. It was all I could do to keep back the tears until they let me go and I could cry out loud in my truck. I wondered again how much more of this I need to endure before I can just lead a relatively normal life. I just want this to be over with.

I cried for a few minutes, then started for home. I called my sister, Michelle, who cheered me up. I'm so grateful for her...she listened to me, and even sent me a free Cold Stone! :) She's so good to me, and has given so much to me already. I'll never be able to repay her for the blessings she's given me and my family. I'm so fortunate to have two great sisters who are also two of my best friends.

My catheter site is hurting pretty badly, but I'll live. Thursday they will put a new one in, but this time I'll be under some kind of anesthesia--that should help. I've been fortunate that my previous one has lasted so long, and I'm hoping this new one will make it until I can get my transplant in November.

My Pinky Toe!!

2010-08-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day...

We were having a GREAT rehearsal outside when a storm came in. Normally, I wouldn't move inside for a little storm, but we got a pretty close lightning strike, so I decided it was time. (It was pretty funny to see all of the football players hit the deck when the lightning hit....)

We moved inside and had a great full band rehearsal. Music is sounding really good, and my trumpets sounded strong, which is EXACTLY what we need for the music we're playing. (music from "The Mask of Zorro.")

I ended rehearsal at 5:00, and Gordon had ended football practice early, too, so we went to pick up our kids from the Primary bowling party at our local bowling alley. They weren't quite ready to go, so we sat down in some chairs and waited.

A friend walked by, and Gordon leaned back to talk to her. While he was leaning back, my foot wandered over near his chair. (wait for it...wait for it....) When he got tired of leaning back, he leaned forward to put all 4 legs of the chair down, and one of the chair legs (with all of his weight) landed on my right foot.

After screaming "OUCH!" pretty loudly, he removed the leg of the chair from my foot, which immediately started to swell and turn purple. I sat there for a bit, trying to regain my composure. Gordon apologized PROFUSELY, and I kept telling him to just be quiet. A few minutes later, I tried to stand and walk, but it wasn't happening.

Gordon carried me out of the bowling alley--"here comes the bride" style. I was pretty embarrassed.

We went to the ER, where I waited and waited and waited until they took me back for x-rays. Meanwhile, I'm hurting and worried about what I'm going to do if it's broken...how can I drive, walk, cope?

Turns out I broke my pinky toe. Not much you can do for that. They "buddy taped" my toes together and gave me a boot to walk in for the next couple of weeks just to stabilize things and make sure I don't re-injure it. I look really cool, and it's SO easy to walk in! :)

So, I ask you...what's next? :)

Blech....

2010-08-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

Every time I go to dialysis I get sick. I feel nauseous and exhausted all of the time. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

Last night I puked and puked and was so tired.

Gordon looked at me this morning and asked if I can wait for my transplant until December. I'm not sure that I can. I think that perhaps the thing that's making it harder is that I know another option is out there. Now that Michelle is a match, it's killing me to have to wait.

The problem is that I don't have ANYONE to take over marching band right now, and I just can't leave them high and dry. I did that last year when I thought it wouldn't make a difference, and it just about drove me insane. I felt so bad leaving the kids, and to them, this is their most important time. I just wish I could clone myself and be in two places at once.

I just need to be done with all of this.

"Things Will Work Out"

2010-07-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

Another newsletter article. Someday I'll start blogging again...promise...

Like so many of us, my mother-in-law has a water and ice dispenser in her refrigerator door. As she lives in Chandler, and I always seem to be thirsty when I'm there, I'm at her refrigerator a lot. As I fill my cup, I read the various clippings and sayings she has on her door. The one that has been up there the longest is this one by President Gordon B. Hinkley:

"Keep trying. Be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.”

This simple statement stays with me long after I've quenched my thirst. To me, it is the essence of why we're here on the earth, and the key to our success.

We live in trying times. It is so easy to get discouraged when we look around us and see the state of the world in which we live. It is easy to wallow in misery when we think of our trials and how difficult life can be at times. That is exactly what the adversary wants us to do, and he delights when we are miserable.

We have been told that our purpose on earth is to be happy. We have also been told that we will be tried and tested while on the earth. How we choose to react to difficult times is the true measure of a successful life. We may not get to choose what happens to us, but we ALWAYS have a choice as to how we react.

A positive attitude, faith in Jesus Christ, and keeping an "eternal perspective" will get us through the trying times with flying colors. I believe with complete conviction that things will work out for our benefit. I know that our trials make us stronger people, better members of the Church, and more readily equipped to empathize with those around us.

Finding Peace

2010-06-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

The Ward Newsletter article I wrote this month. (After I'd watched the Star Wars marathon on Spike.) :)

One of my fondest childhood memories came at a time when I was very ill. I had cancer as a child, and my mom would have to drive me two hours each way to the hospital so that I could receive my chemotherapy treatments. It was difficult for her to do this, especially with four other children at home.

We were on our way home one evening in the summer of 1980 when--out of nowhere--my mom pulled off the freeway and into a movie theater. We went in, just the two of us, and watched "The Empire Strikes Back." To this day, this movie holds fond memories for me, not only because of the time I got to spend with my mom, but because of the message of this great movie.

I have seen this movie probably fifty times since, and each time I am amazed at how meaningful it is. I am particularly struck by the scenes where Luke is learning the ways of the Force. This passage from the movie has particular meaning for us:

Yoda: Yes, run! Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.
Luke: Vader... Is the dark side stronger?
Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad?
Yoda: You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, NEVER for attack.

We live in troubled times. It is sometimes all we can do to ask for peace in our lives. When we are at peace, the Spirit can be a powerful "force" in our lives. If we are quick to anger, quick to accuse and become offended easily, we become trapped in a vicious cycle. This cycle can be difficult to get out of, and we can lose that inner peace. It is always easier to get upset and become angry, but if we take time to use the Spirit in our dealings with others, conflicts will be resolved in a way that will creating lasting peace.

I know that we can all find the inner peace we desire. I pray that we can recognize the Spirit in our lives and the sweet feelings it brings to us.

Blah, blah, blah...

2010-05-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, it's been an interesting few weeks...

I started my testing at Mayo Clinic mid-April, and had four days of testing. I would drive back and forth to Phoenix each day--about a 75 minute trip each way. I did this because I was directing the music for our school's musical, so I needed to be back each night.

Thursday night I wasn't feeling so hot--in fact, I vomited all of my dinner back up when I got home from opening night of the musical. Sick. I then had to get up at 4:30 a.m. Friday morning to get to Phoenix by 6:30 for my first test. I vomited my cereal up on the way down. Sick again. I knew I was in trouble.

I had a heart stress test which again, made me vomit. My blood pressure was 230/130, a tad high. They sent me to the ER at Mayo for evaluations, and then checked me in to the hospital. Little did I know I'd be there for NINE days!! They were the longest nine days of my life, as I was so lonely. The kids were in school, Gordon was working, so I spent most of the time alone while they tried to figure out how to get my blood pressure under control. One day it would be super high, the next really low. Frustrating... The doctor was trying to get me off of one of my blood pressure meds he considered especially evil. This turned out to be a big mistake.

Finally got to check out on Sunday, just as I was about to go crazy! We went to Gordon's mom's house to pick up the kids and ate dinner with them. It was good to see the family. :)

I decided I needed to go to school the next day--big mistake. I felt like garbage, and didn't really do much good. I needed to finalize some things with my students, and we had some good talks. Decided not to go to Disneyland this year (we were slated to go next week.) This was a hard decision, but I just didn't want to go and get sick.

Monday night I vomited again, and continued to do so most of the night. I seriously thought I'd see my shoes in the bowl. We went to the ER on Tuesday, my blood pressure was high again and I couldn't keep anything down. They pumped me full of fluids, gave me some anti-nausea meds and I was feeling better, so we went home.

The "feeling better" part didn't last very long. I was sick again the next few days. Blood pressure was high, and nausea wouldn't stop. I went to my primary care doctor Thursday afternoon and she checked me into the hospital again. This time they put me on a blood pressure patch, which releases meds into my system gradually, and will continue to do so even if I can't keep anything else down.

It's working. I spent two days in the hospital and have felt fine ever since. I'm so grateful!

While I was so sick last week, I decided that going back to work this year just wasn't going to be the best thing for me. I feel awful about leaving my students, but I just have to do what's going to be the best for me right now. I need to stay as healthy as possible so that I can be ready for my transplant this summer. It's been hard to stay home and worry about them, but I know they will be okay. If I can get through this time, I'll be so much better off next year.

Just want the transplant to happen NOW!! Patience has never been my strong suit, but I'm working on it... :)

testing...testing...123

2010-04-12T13:55:00.001-07:00

Guess what?

I get to begin testing for my new kidney on Wednesday!! I got a call from Mayo Clinic on Friday while I was in musical rehearsal. I wasn't able to call them back until this morning, but when I did she said they have an opening for me to begin this Wednesday. I'm so excited! This means there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

The only down side is that the testing is going to take four days, which means I'll be out even more days from school. I don't have any more sick days left, so every day I'm gone is almost $100 out of my paycheck. It will all be worth it, but it's hard to take that kind of a hit every time I'm out for dialysis, or for this testing...

I feel really good about this. I know that it's the right thing for me to do. Now I just need to be patient. My nephrologist said the shortest time he's ever seen from testing to transplant is three months. I'm hoping to break that record...it would be nice to get it done right as soon as school is out so I can have the maximum time to heal before band camp starts up!

Anyway--good news! Thanks for all of your prayers and good wishes...they mean more to me than you know!

Love, Love, Love

2010-04-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

My mom told me to write happier blogs...so here you go: :)

I went to dialysis yesterday and took Ian's iPod. He saved up all of his money for a little over a year and finally decided what he wanted to spend it on. He's had a lot of fun trying to find all of the little silly free apps you can get online. I played Tetris until my bloood pressure started going up because I was frustrated!

For one reason or another, I've missed all of the episodes of "Survivor" this season. I'm a "Survivor" junkie, so this has been difficult for me. I decided to look on iTunes to see if I could download episodes, and...sure enough...you can buy the entire season for $17.00. So I did. :) Yesterday while at dialysis I watched four episodes, and the time went by SO quickly! (I actually watched the fourth episode while driving home, but don't tell anyone...)

I love "Survivor." I actually love most reality TV shows. I guess you could call it my escape from reality. I love how "Survivor" is a microcosm of life--you make alliances with people, you betray people to get ahead, and sometimes the "villain" wins. It's an interesting show for me to watch, and my kids love it, too so we get to enjoy it together, which is fun.

Last night was "Lennon and McCartney" night on American Idol. Also very fun. Any Beatles song reminds me of my mom. It also reminds me of the trip we took to California one summer when we couldn't get any radio stations in and the only cassette tape we had was the Beatles. So guess what we listened to for at least four hours? Does anyone wonder why I know all of the lyrics to all of their songs? (At least their hits.)

I had a great trip to Utah last weekend. It was nice to be with my family--I've missed them while I've been sick. My grandpa, dad, uncle, brother-in-law, and husband were able to give me a priesthood blessing. My dad blessed me to know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that in His time my health would be restored. He also blessed me with patience...something that I've struggled with the last few months.

My grandpa told me a story that I didn't remember. He said that while I was sick with cancer, he and my grandma took me to visit my great-grandparents. After the visit, on the way home, my health declined quickly and my grandparents knew they needed to get me to a hospital. My grandpa said that at the time he wondered if it was worth it to keep fighting for my health when I was suffering and so sick. He said that when he looks back on that and then looks at where I am now--with a loving husband and two amazing kids--he knows it was worth every painful minute. I know it, too.

From this weekend, I've learned that:
1. I need to be patient
2. I have an amazing family
3. I have a Heavenly Father that loves me
4. I'll be all right--when the time is right

After All

2010-03-31T09:29:00.000-07:00

Courtnie came home yesterday with a note from her teacher telling me that she'd like to meet with me about Courtnie's progress. After giving Courtnie the third degree about why she wanted to meet, we came to really no conclusion.

I have been so tired after school that I usually just go to bed and let the kids fend for themselves on their homework. Gordon helps when needed, but we haven't been checking their homework and monitoring their school work like we should.

Turns out Courtnie's work has been slipping. Her handwriting isn't as good as it used to be and her grades are taking a nose dive. When I talked to her teacher this morning, she told me that Courtnie seems distracted--especially before spring break, which was the time I was so sick and in the hospital.

I started to cry because the last thing I want is for my illness to affect my family. This is killing me. Courtnie is such a smart girl, and can do the work with one hand tied behind her back. She's never let on that she's worried about me--she's always been easy-going, cheerful Courtnie. For those reasons, it never occurred to me that it would bother her at school.

Her teacher was very understanding, and had no idea what was going on at home. I should have told her so that she could keep a special eye on her, but for whatever reason, I didn't. Now that she knows, she said that she'd try to keep her focused. Luckily, I'm feeling SO much better and can be a better mom now.

I feel awful. I know there's nothing I could have done about it, but I want to maintain some degree of normalcy so badly. I'm hoping things will be different from here on out.

Headache

2010-03-28T07:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. with a screaming headache. I tried my usual relaxation techniques to get rid of it, but they didn't work today. (Bill will remember the relaxation techniques...remember that workshop we went to when we were in high school? "What color is your headache? What shape is your headache? If you held a candle up to it, could you see through it?")

So I got out of bed and took a pain pill. Maybe I'm addicted. I sure hope not. That would be one MORE thing to have to deal with! :)

I went to dialysis yesterday and forgot to take my blood pressure meds first. BAD move! My initial blood pressure reading was 195/105. YIKES! It goes down a little once they start dialysis, but that was still scary. As a result--yep--you guessed it--I threw up a bunch when it was all over. I felt so stupid. I just can't forget to take my meds. I felt awful all of the way home. I got home and took my meds and felt better right away. I suppose that's the answer to why I would get so nauseous. High blood pressure=throwing up.

The best part about not feeling so well is that Gordon came to bed with me and we snuggled most of the night. We watched "Steel Magnolias," which is one of our favorite movies ever. Gordon says it's the only "chick flick" he can actually stand. The one-liners from that movie are priceless, and I use them all of the time. My favorites: "You are evil, and you must be destroyed" and "you are a pig from HELL!"

About the time when Shelby starts dialysis is when Courtnie left the room. She said, "I don't like this movie anymore." I guess it hit home for her. She's seen it before and knew what happened to Shelby when her kidney transplant failed.

That hit home for me, too. As much as I'm looking forward to getting a kidney transplant, there's the possibility that it might fail. There's always going to be the unknown, I suppose. The "what ifs" in life keep things interesting. Maybe that's why that man at the dialysis center I go to has been on dialysis for 15 years...he's scared of the "what ifs." I know that I will have good doctors that will monitor things for me very carefully and if I am good to my body, it will be good to me. I also know that I have WAY too much work to do yet on this earth and I'm not ready to be done yet. I need to see Ian off on a mission, Courtnie getting married, and holding and taking care of my grand babies. That means I've got to be around for another 30 years at least!

I'm not going anywhere!

Info About Being a Kidney Donor

2010-03-26T14:25:00.001-07:00

So--a friend suggested that I post my blood type on my blog so that those interested in possibly getting screened as a kidney donor have that information.

I have A+ blood. (I wish that meant I was super smart...) ;) This means that you can only donate a kidney to me if you have A or O blood type. Evidently the + or - doesn't really make a difference. There are other tests that need to be done to determine if our tissue types match, and other criteria. Here's a really great website with some good info on being a kidney donor:

http://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingDonors/infoQA.cfm

I found it very helpful...glad this friend sent it my way.

On a funnier note...one of my friends has offered to donate a kidney to me. She's a devout Catholic, so she said if I used her kidney, I'd be part-Catholic. I told her that would be an honor...I've always found the Catholic religion to be beautiful. ;0)

Love to all,
Amie

"Why ME?" Answered

2010-03-17T23:21:00.001-07:00

I just got home from the hospital and was looking forward to a GREAT night sleep in my OWN bed.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble falling asleep, so I'm on my second blog of the night.

I got on Facebook to see what's up with my homies. I had six friend requests...woo hoo! One of them was from a friend I had back in 2nd grade. She said she'd been looking for me for the past 25 years. She and I were best friends and I used to stay the night at her house.

This would have been the time when I had cancer, and I don't remember much about that time. I've blocked out most of the memories. We also moved at least 10 times between the time I was born and we moved to Utah when I was nine, so cities, schools, and friends blend together.

She said she'd been looking for me all of this time because I made such an impression on her, even when I was that young. Another boy from our 2nd grade class was also looking for me and they happened to find me at the same time. (He also added me as a friend tonight.)

Last Sunday in church, the Relief Society lesson was given by our president. She gave it on finding blessings through trials. She asked something about examples of people who have overcome adversity. One of my good friends raised her hand and talked about me. She said that she has been so impressed with mine and Gordon's testimony and faith that things will get better. Our attitude, she said, has been an inspiration to her. Others commented and shared the same sentiment.

I said that I'm just one little person trying to stay positive. I don't mean to influence people, I'm just trying to muddle through. Someone else said that I am having a huge influence. Then my good friend Debbie said, "Maybe that's the answer to 'why me?'"

Since that comment, I've been thinking a lot about "why me?" Perhaps the reason I'm going through this is to help others. I've been through a lot in my life, and all along the way people tell me that I've inspired them or caused them to think about their own life. Perhaps I'm a teacher of more than just music.

I don't mean to sound arrogant about this--I'd give anything to not have to go through what I'm going through. If I can help someone through their trials by my example, then maybe it's worth it.

One of the nurses commented about my remarkable attitude while I was in the hospital. I told him that I believe 100% that it's the only choice we have in this life. Attitude is the only thing we have complete control over. We don't get to choose what happens to us a lot of the time, but we do get to choose how we react to it. I know that the attitude I choose to have affects so much of how I feel and how others around me feel.

I'm grateful for this choice. I hope I can continue to help others through my trials. (Don't get me wrong...I'd still like to not have them!) :)

Incoherent Thoughts

2010-03-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

I knew something was really wrong when I couldn't finish my cereal Wednesday morning.

I needed to take my students to a jazz festival Wednesday, so I bucked up and went to school. The students played really well--we received the only "Excellent" rating of the whole year, so I was STOKED! We stopped to eat in Anthem at the food court, and all I could eat was a couple of pretzel sticks.

I got home later that afternoon and went straight to bed. Gordon came home and asked what he could make me for dinner. I thought that tacos sounded good, so he made them for me...fresh taco shells and all. They came back up about 15 minutes later.

I vomited and vomited the rest of the night. I can't ever remember feeling so sick. My heart was racing and I just couldn't get comfortable. I think I may have dozed off for a bit around 4:00 a.m.

Gordon came home from work and took me straight to the ER. They tried to put in an IV for about 30 minutes before finally finding a vein in the knuckle of my ring finger on my right hand. They pumped some fluids in me and sent me home about six hours later. We stopped at Costco to fill a new anti-nausea medication and I got so hot that I took my shirt off and rode the rest of the way home semi-naked. THAT must have been a sight. I can only imagine what Gordon was thinking...

Another "vomitous" night took place Thursday. By this time, I was just vomiting everywhere...on my bed, in the kitchen sink. I even threw up into the bag that contains all of my medications. (They're all ruined now...GREAT!) I knew I wouldn't make it to school again on Friday, so I told Gordon I needed to call in for a sub. Evidently I tried to make a phone call using the TV remote. I then found my phone and threw up all over it. (Luckily it still works!)

Gordon took me back to the ER Friday and luckily we had a new doctor who actually listened to us. He admitted me right away and the hospital staff worked on getting me "equilibrilized" quickly. I didn't really know where I was, what year or month it was, who my kids' teachers are or what school they attend. Gordon tells me that he was so scared. I'm usually a stickler for details, so I can only imagine.

It took until Saturday for me to start to get back to normal. I'll never forget Gordon's eyes when he kissed me and said, "Thanks for coming back to me."

I had a great doctor--not my own--who was diligent in checking on me...even on Sunday. I was so impressed with his care for me. He ordered a bunch of tests, including a couple of GI tests that weren't so pleasant. I had an endoscopy done on Monday...not too bad. I enjoyed being "sedated" for the test. (A nice feeling after being so sick!) Tuesday I had a test that involved a radioactive hard boiled egg. I HATE eggs! They make me sick! I choked down the egg and then had to lay on a table for 90 minutes so that they could watch it digest. Turns out one of my big problems may be that I don't digest food fast enough. They prescribed the drug Reglan today and it helped a great deal. We'll see... The doctor also prescribed Valium and Zofran (an anti-nausea medication) for me to take before going to dialysis...just in case my nausea relating to dialysis is psychosomatic. (Which it very well may be. I am a little goofy!)

I had a couple of difficult days in the hospital. Days when I wondered if it was worth it at all. They put a central line in my neck because I don't have any veins to speak of at all, and it stopped giving blood on Monday. In come the phlebotomists who mean well and I know are just doing their job, but have no clue what it's like to be me. I got poked nine times Monday morning and they all hurt like hell. I've got nine lovely bruises on my arms to show for it. After that torture I called Gordon and told him that I didn't think my Heavenly Father loved me anymore. I felt like I had nothing to show for it. I know that's not true, but it sure did feel like it at the time. I have to admit that I've felt on more than one occasion that He's forgotten about me.

So, I'm home today. It feels so good. I enjoyed my Streets of New York pizza and snuggling Courtnie on the couch while watching "Twister" on TV. I love my family so much. Whenever I wonder if it's all worth it, I know that it is because I have two beautiful children and an amazing husband who (for whatever reason) want me around. During my darkest times, I can hold fast to that.

Tired

2010-03-05T06:59:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of...

...people asking me how I'm doing with pity in their eyes
...people telling me that I look tired
...throwing up
...having to take huge pills before I eat anything
...not feeling like eating anything
...not being able to eat what I want
...my kidneys not cooperating
...not having the stamina or desire to make it through the day
...being so tired all of the time
...going to dialysis
...not being able to help out around the house
...feeling guilty because my husband is doing everything
...lacking concentration to get menial tasks done

I'm ready to get better now! Hello?

Lacking faith?

2010-03-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesday while I was getting my dialysis treatment, the nephrologist came by on his bi-weekly "rounds." I guess he figures we've got little else to do while attached to a machine that is sucking out your blood. ;)

He's a nice guy, always smiling. He seems like he cares, but is a little distant. Yesterday he asked me how I was doing and if I needed anything. Jokingly, I said, "Well, I could use some new kidneys." He laughed and said that that would be helpful! He asked if I wanted to start the transplant process, and I said that I was ready. His point--and it's a good one--is that if we get the process going and my kidneys kick in, we just stop the process. No harm done.

In January, I received a priesthood blessing that my kidneys would regain their normal function. While I remain positive and hopeful, I know that as time passes, so does the chance of that happening. I know that I have the Lord on my side, and I know that He's looking out for me.

So--does the fact that I'm proceeding with the transplant mean I'm lacking faith? This is the issue that I've been struggling with for the past few weeks. I want to receive blessings and to show that I have faith in Him and the healing powers of blessings, but I want so badly to be healthy. I feel like a transplant may be my only option. Did the blessing that I'd have normal kidney function mean that it would be with someone else's kidney?

As Courtnie often says, "These are the questions that haunt me."

Let me explain, no--wait--there is too much, let me sum up

2010-03-02T07:12:00.001-08:00

It's Tuesday, the day I go to dialysis. My sweet husband took the kids to school for me so that I could sleep in a bit longer, but I can't sleep. OF COURSE! I need to leave in an hour or so, so I thought I'd take this time to update my blog.

It's been a long time. I don't really have much of an excuse for not writing, other than I'm tired all of the time. I take six different medications a day, and four of them say "may cause drowsiness" on the label. I don't really have much of a fighting chance. :)

It's been two and a half months since my kidneys shut down. I like to tell people that they're on vacation, since I'm still hopeful that they will come back to me. The truth is that I don't know if they will. I received a blessing from our bishop that asked for them to be restored to normal function, but I know it is God's will if that will happen. I don't know if I just lack faith or what, but I have moments when I wonder what He's waiting for. I know that He knows me. I know that He knows I'm tired of struggling. I'm trying so hard.

(See, now...you've made me cry. It's hard to see the computer screen when you're crying...)

I've lost 25 pounds. That may sound like a good thing if you were "pleasantly plump" like me. Unfortunately, it just means that I can't eat. Dialysis makes you feel full all of the time, and for me it makes me nauseous the majority of the time. I throw up almost daily. Gordon and I consider it a personal triumph if I make it through the day without vomiting. Funny how your perspective changes when you're sick. I used to need to worry about what I ate, now I have to worry about eating at all.

When I was in the lobby of the dialysis center on Saturday waiting to go in, another patient and I started talking. He's 33 years old and has been on dialysis for 15 years. His kidneys stopped working when he was 15 and his mom took him out of school so she could take care of him. Before his kidneys shut down, he was a star athlete and a good student. He missed his prom, his high school graduation--all of it. In the beginning of his treatments, they gave him chemotherapy that made him sterile. He told me that all he ever wanted was a family--four boys and one girl.

Sitting and talking to him made me realize that I really don't have it that bad. That's the thing about life...whenever you think you've got it bad, you meet someone who has it worse.

I can't say enough wonderful things about my husband. He has been my rock. He takes such good care of me and NEVER complains. They say that a marriage only works when each person gives 100%. Right now, Gordon is giving so much more. He is making up for my shortcomings. He has been both mother and father at times. He tells me to go to bed and to rest when I know he is so tired. He makes dinner, does the laundry and dishes and cleans up after everyone. He has been amazing. In the 18 years we've been married, I've never loved him more.

I'm grateful for all I have. As miserable as I feel sometimes, I have faith that it will get better. I have been touched by the number of people who have told me that they're praying for me. Many people have even offered me their kidney, which is more than a little generous. I'm in awe of the love people have shown for me. It's buoyed me up when I've been down and it means more to me than they will ever know.

So, it's off to dialysis. My sister Michelle said that you can watch a dialysis treatment on YouTube. I don't know that I'd want to sit at a computer screen for four hours! It might be interesting at the beginning, though...who knows.

Update to students

2010-01-13T10:27:00.000-08:00

Hey gang,

I'm sorry this has taken so long to get to you. I still don't know how coherent it will be--I'm on some medications that make me REALLY sleepy, but I'll do my best.

As most of you know, I had a surgery on December 21 to bypass my aorta and get better blood flow to my legs. This surgery is going to make my life so much better! The surgery was successful, and the surgeon feels that everything went as planned.

As I was recuperating in the hospital, my surgeon came in with some bad news. He said that my blood work was showing that my kidneys were failing. Two days later I started on dialysis and have been having those treatments three times a weeks since then.

We are hopeful that the dialysis treatments will "wake up" my kidneys and that this will be just a temporary thing. For those of you who don't know, the kidneys filter all of the bad stuff out of your blood, so when they're not working, the bad stuff builds up. A dialysis machine takes all of the blood out of my body, filters it, and then puts it back in. The treatments leave me tired, but are supposed to get better.

Until my kidneys start working again, I won't be able to come back to work. It's killing me (not literally, but emotionally) to not be with you all. I am SO grateful for those of you who have made the best out of a situation that is not ideal. I was disappointed to hear that a few of our band leaders chose to skip out on band last week. I hope you know that what Mr. Morgan is doing is for the best...always. He cares for the band and wants you to do well. I am grateful for him. As we all say, "Man up, and move on."

I'll do my best to keep you updated. I sleep most of the time, but am slowly starting to get my energy back. Thanks so much for your positive attitudes and for working to get it done in my absence.

Angels Among Us

2009-12-19T07:03:00.001-08:00

My mom called Thursday and asked if she could come and visit. DUH! :)

I asked how this is possible, as I know money is tight. She said that one of her co-workers is giving my mom her frequent flyer miles so that she can come and stay with me. She's coming at the end of next week and will spend a week at home with me while I recover. My kids and I are so excited to have her!

I'm so grateful. I'm 36 years old, but still need my mommy. This co-worker may never know how much this means to me. She is truly proof that angels live among us.

My Drama Queen

2009-12-19T06:55:00.001-08:00

Tonight is closing night of the play Courtnie is in. She has been rehearsing since the end of October and has been loving EVERY minute of it. She told me the other day that she wants to be an actress when she grows up. I have no doubt that her choice is the correct one for her.

Here's an article our local paper did on the play. Courtnie is quoted about half-way through. I'm going to take some pictures and post them in the next couple of days. It's been fun.

http://dcourier.com/main.asp?sectionID=74&subsectionID=514&articleID=75779.

Enjoy! :)

Secret Weapon

2009-12-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

Everyone around me is worried about me. People are scared, one of my best friends cried and told me she's not "emotionally ready" for me to have this surgery. (She was joking, of course.)

I am completely at peace.

Is it because I'm heavily medicated? Perhaps... ;o)

People tell me that they're praying for me and that I'm in their thoughts. I have felt it. I know, without a doubt, that prayer works. I have seen it work in my own life and in the lives of others. I have faith that it will work here again.

My dad has called our family and asked them to have a special fast for me on Sunday. At another time in my life people I didn't even know fasted for me and a miracle happened.

I was at the end of my cancer treatments, and had another battery of tests to make sure I had the "all clear" to end treatments. One of the tests showed that the cancer was back.

As you can imagine, my parents were devastated. I had been through Hell for two years, and we thought that it was going to work. My parents called their friends who attend our church, and word spread quickly. The following Sunday, the entire stake fasted on my behalf.

The following Monday, when I had the same test again, it showed no traces of cancer in my body. Does prayer and fasting work? I'm a witness to that fact. I'm here today because of that power.

I've been thinking a lot about my parents recently. I love them so much. I think that somewhere, back in the recesses of their mind, they wonder if what they did for me was the right thing. I've been through so much in my life, and (being a parent now myself) I know that they would do ANYTHING to take it from me. I know that they are worried about me, and that they are very concerned with this most recent development. I know they have been by my side through all of it, and have watched me suffer.

I want them to know how grateful I am for their decisions on my behalf. When I think about what you must have gone through, and I think about what I would do if it were Ian or Courtnie, I am amazed. I know it wasn't easy, but I know a lot of prayer and inspiration went into doing the best you could with me. I also know that I am the person I am today because of the trials I've been through in my life. I've said it before, but I believe 100% that who you are in life depends on how you react to the things that happen to you. You can't always control what happens to you, but you CAN control how you react.

Mom and dad, I love you. More than you know.

Aortic Bypass

2009-12-15T20:04:00.001-08:00

So, here's the verdict:

It's called an Aortic Bypass. Dr. Wheatley will make an incision below my sternum so that he can access my aorta. He will then attach the artificial aorta to a spot above where the damaged portion. The artificial aorta will then attach to my femoral artery. (The picture above is what will happen...the white tubing is the artificial tube, the blue and red are the actual aorta.) He's also going to do a mini-bypass in my left renal artery in hopes that he can save that kidney.

My surgery is scheduled for Monday, December 21. I'll spend a week in the hospital and then be recovering for six to eight weeks.

Although I'm a bit anxious about major surgery, I'm excited for the prospects. I don't know if I've ever had adequate blood flow to my legs--this may be a new experience for me. I know that things will work out well. I'm just so grateful to have some resolution!!

Thanks so much to all of my family and friends for your prayers. I have felt them and know that they work. I love you all!

Son of Man

2009-12-14T15:01:00.000-08:00

I was asked to lead the music in Sacrament meeting yesterday. We got to church a little bit late, so Gordon and the kids had to sit in the back. Rather than trek up and down the aisles, I stayed on the stand the entire time.

One of my friends, Missy, gave a talk about Joseph Smith. She talked about his life and trials, and spoke about his time at Liberty Jail. This time of his life always hits me hard. I imagine him sitting in the cramped, cold jail cell and suffering miserably. From this time comes some of the most beautiful and poignant scripture we have (in my opinion.)

1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavillion that covereth thy hiding place?
2 How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?
3 Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?
4 O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol--stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.
5 Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.
6 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

And then the clincher...at least for me:
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

As she was speaking, these verses of scripture kept coming into my mind. I kept thinking of the trials and afflictions I have in my life, and how often I feel sorry for myself.

It then hit me that Christ knows of my afflictions, and has suffered more than I. He knows me, He knows what I'm going through, and He loves me. I am grateful for this knowledge. I have known it my entire life, but haven't really needed it until now.

I sat on the stand and cried for joy. I realized how much I need Him, and how much more I need to depend on Him. I also felt a little silly for complaining about my current state of affairs when my suffering is miniscule compared to what is going on in the world around me. I'm a complainer, but I'm going to try to be better about it. I need to realize that in the long term, this trial is just "but a small moment." If I endure it well, I will know true happiness.

I Heart My Doctor

2009-12-10T14:45:00.001-08:00

I've been taking my blood pressure a couple of times a day for the past week or so. I was just curious if my kidney issues would affect my blood pressure, and sure enough--they have. My blood pressure has been hovering around 160/100 (normal is 120/80.) SO...I made an appointment with my primary care doctor.

I really love her. She is always concerned about me when I come in and is (or at least seems to be) genuinely interested in me being well. When she came in today, she took a look at my chart, which reflected my current blood pressure issue and said, "Oh-oh!"

I told her about my aorta/renal artery issue and asked for advice. She looked me in the eye and asked me why we were even talking about it. She told me that I'm only 36, and need to be healthy. She said she could tell just by looking at me that I was tired and not feeling well, which is true about 80% of the time.

We talked about how remarkable it is to live today, when so much can be done to help someone in my situation. She said that I should stop doing the "temporary fixes" and do something that will give a better quality of life. I couldn't agree more.

It feels good to have someone reaffirm what I already was feeling. I trust her opinion, and value her input. It gives me more to talk about when I go see the vascular surgeon next week. Solutions, people! Solutions!!

Random Thoughts for a Monday

2009-12-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

It's raining/snowing--I'm calling it slushing right now. I had a concert with the community college big band I play with, but found out it was cancelled AFTER I drove there. NICE! They cancel things here for 1/2 inch of snow on the ground. On the one hand, I'm glad for the cancellations, as people here DO NOT know how to drive in snow. On the other hand, I was looking forward to playing tonight. (I had a few solos...)

Saturday Ian had a wrestling tournament. He is doing so well. He ended up taking 1st place in his weight class. This is something he's been gunning for since he's started wrestling, and I'm so proud that he's been able to accomplish this goal. He's a great kid, and so strong and athletic. He is amazing to me.

On the way to the wrestling tournament, my nose started bleeding. I get bloody noses occasionally--but haven't had one for several years. This nose bleed was scary because it would not stop. Every time I would try to take the tissue away to see if had stopped, it just kept dripping out. Gordon had me use some of the wrestler's "stop nosebleed stuff" and finally--one hour later--it stopped bleeding. This nose bleed lasted two hours. I'm sure it's a result of the Plavix and aspirin I'm taking, but it scared me a bit. I think I lost quite a bit of blood, because I didn't feel so hot after.

We had the Christmas parade in Prescott on Saturday as well. I really don't care for parades--don't see the point, but people like them, so whatever. :)

I have two concerts with my students this week. Orchestra, jazz band and percussion ensemble play tomorrow night and jazz band and concert band play Thursday night. I'm looking forward to them, but also looking forward to having them over with, too. It's a lot of stress!

I think I've decided that (unless the surgeon has a better suggestion) I'm going to have my aorta replaced this summer. I can't live like this anymore. My legs hurt so bad when I walk. I want to be healthy and in good shape, and I can't be either in this condition. I'm ready.

In My Quiet Moments

2009-12-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

The dishwasher is running, my comforter is in the washer. Courtnie is at play practice, Gordon and Ian are at wrestling practice. (No, Gordon doesn't wrestle...silly!) I'm home alone for a bit--it's kind of nice, but VERY quiet.

I was speaking with a friend yesterday about my health issues. (I'm not going to call them problems...they're just "issues.") She is also a cancer survivor--I believe she had breast cancer around three years ago. She's doing well now...a happy, healthy, spiritual person. I love her dearly.

We talked about quiet moments yesterday and how the adversary works on us during those times. It's easy to not get sidetracked with doubts when we're busy, but the times when we're quiet and alone are when he really goes to work. I thought maybe if I wrote some of those doubts down I could let them go.

In my quiet moments I wonder if a body that doesn't work like it should is worth it.
In my quiet moments I wonder what other's lives would be like if I wasn't here.
In my quiet moments I wonder if the doctors are doing the right thing.
In my quiet moments I wonder if I'm going to be around and able to walk with my kids at their graduations, weddings, births of children...
In my quiet moments I wonder what it would have been like to not have had cancer.
In my quiet moments I wonder if my depression is related to my health issues.
In my quiet moments I wonder if my kids worry about me. Are they scared?
In my quiet moments I wonder if my husband is sick of me.
In my quiet moments I wonder what it feels like to feel normal.
In my quiet moments I wonder if the reasons I wasn't ever able to do physical activities like others could had anything to do with my aorta and the blood flow. How long has it been like this?
In my moments times I wonder if I had been born today if I'd be dealing with the side effects I have now.
In my quiet moments I wonder if everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my issues.

In my more confident moments I know that I have a wonderful life...full of happy and joyful things. I have an amazing family. I have the best job in the world. I know that I am the person I am today because of the fights I've had to go through.

At Thanksgiving, one of Gordon's aunts told me that I need to take better care of myself. She told me that I need to get a golf cart and ride around in that all of the time. I smiled politely and said, "No, I can't do that."

I can't give up. Getting a golf cart would be giving up. It would be letting the cancer win. I refuse. In my quiet moments, I sometimes wonder if it would be better to give up...it would definitely be easier.

But that's not why we're here. It ain't easy, baby!

The Battle for Blood

2009-11-30T18:56:00.000-08:00

*Begin playing "Rocky" theme music here*

In this corner...weighing in at (insert amount here), wearing typical schoolteacher clothing, Amie "Cobbie" Cobb

And in this corner...weighing in at a less than a pound, wearing a stent that doesn't work anymore...Amie's aorta.

It's become a fight to the finish, and right now, my blood vessels are losing.

Two years ago I had a stent put in my aorta, which at the time was 75% blocked. I was having severe claudication issues (cramping when walking.) The stent helped dramatically and I was doing great. I had a stent put in my left renal artery about six months later, because it was not getting enough blood flow.

About six months ago, I started noticing that my claudication issues were back. I can't walk from the band room to the football stadium without having to stop and rest my legs. They cramp up so badly. I went for a check up with my vascular surgeon who said to come back again in a couple of months. I think I talked about this in previous posts. Sorry if you're bored...

So, the prognosis wasn't good after having an ultrasound and we scheduled a "lookie-see" into what was going on with my vascular system. Turns out it's not good news...

1. My renal artery is completely blocked. The stent failed, and my artery is just plain blocked. This means my left kidney will eventually lose function and die.

2. The stent in my aorta is also failing. They did an angioplasty and blew it open a bit (with a miniature balloon) for the time being. I'm also on Plavix and asprin to thin my blood and hopefully increase the flow a bit better to my legs.

I go and see the doc again in a couple of weeks. We'll see what he has to say.

The Role of a Righteous Woman

2009-11-20T08:12:00.000-08:00

An article I wrote for our ward newsletter:

I love being a woman. I cherish the attributes that make me different than men. I am grateful for the divine nature that is within each one of us as daughters of God. The first sentence of the Relief Society Declaration states that “We are beloved spirit daughters of God.” President James E. Faust said, “To be a daughter of God means that you are offspring of Deity, literal descendants of the Divine Father, inheriting godly attributes and potential.”

I am grateful for the examples of strong, righteous women throughout history. They have truly been—at times—the “unsung heroes” of the work of the Lord. I love reading about Eve, Sarah, Rachel, Emma Smith, Lucy Mack Smith and countless others. Their strength and courage in the face of adversity pushes me forward when I face struggles in my own life.

I also look to my own mother who raised seven children through many hardships. Growing up, we didn’t ever have a lot of money, but my mom worked very hard to see that the needs of her children were met. She would babysit, sew, and do whatever she needed to do to bring in money. She did all of this while being a great example to me of service to others.

There is no end to the influence of women. Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in April 1978 conference said this: “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.”

I pray that each one of us will recognize our divine potential. As women, we have an innate spiritual sense that allows us to trust in the Lord more fully. As we trust, we will find the joy in being a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a wife.

Gobble Gobble

2009-11-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to be able to go to Utah for Thanksgiving. I'm bummed.

I went for a follow-up to my previous follow-up on my stents, and they're worse. (Funny how I knew that two months ago!!)

The doctor isn't sure until he gets in to my aorta why this is happening. Two possible reasons:
1. My aorta is squeezing the heck out of the stent because it just keeps hardening
2. The stent is getting gunked up. (This happens with stents about 25% of the time.)

It could also be a combination of the two.

Tuesday I'm going to go to the Arizona Heart Hospital (again) and have things checked out. Two possible outcomes:
1. Insert new stents
2. Roto-rooter these stents and do an angioplasty to open them up.

He's going to have to look at/fix both the stent in my aorta and in left renal artery as both showed blood flow at less than 50%. Fun, huh?

So--stent procedure Tuesday, hospital until Wednesday then at Gordon's mom's for Turkey Day. At least it will be warm! :)

Riding the Yellow Dog

2009-11-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

Our football team has made the playoffs. This isn't really anything new--we've made the playoffs for the past few years. We usually lose in the first round, so it's not a big deal.

This year, we won the first playoff game, so our entire town is in a tizzy. Our first game was against a team we'd lost to in the regular season, so it was nice to win, and we won on their field. Very cool.

This next game is in Vail, AZ. About a five hour drive from Prescott Valley. Ouch! We played in southern Arizona two years ago and lost pretty badly. The football coach thinks it's because we took a five hour bus ride and then had to go and play right after.

This year, he's decided to "do it right." They've chartered NICE coach buses to leave today (Thursday--the game is tomorrow) and they're staying the night in Tucson. What they're doing tomorrow all day, I don't know. I do know they're eating at the Olive Garden for an early dinner before the game.

Who's paying for all of this? The football boosters, who somehow manage to raise over $20,000 a year. I can't figure out how they do this. My band boosters squeak out around $5000 a year, and that's in a good year.

This just seems like a waste to me. I'm sure that this trip is costing the boosters somewhere in the neighborhood of $5000 for a ONE night trip. I understand that this is a big game, but it's ONE NIGHT! Do you know what I could do with $5000? I could buy a tuba that I desperately need...I could buy sheet music for my pathetic library...the list could go on forever.

I understand that things will NEVER be equal...I get it. I do. I'm married to the "enemy" (so to speak) who sees the other side more clearly than I do. His philosophy is that if they raise the money, they should be able to spend it how they see fit. Meanwhile, our school is in desperate need of textbooks, kids are coming to school without coats, and I need a new tuba! :)

The band is going down to support the team, but guess what we're riding in?

No Pain, No Gain

2009-10-03T12:01:00.001-07:00

I've often wondered what that statement means. It applies to a lot of situations in life, but two stand out to me today.

I've been going to physical therapy for the past two weeks. First visit: nice...did a little stretching and then got the "shock therapy" massage. AHHHH... Second visit: got in the pool and did a nice little workout. Third visit: PAIN!! I exercised a bit and then Kurt (the PT) decided to go to work on my IT band (this is the large band that goes from your hips to your knees on the outside of your thigh.) It was so sore and tight, so he "massaged" it into submission. I had racing stripes in the form of bruises down my legs almost immediately. (Still there one week later!) This week I went in the pool on Thursday and then more pain yesterday.

You see, it turns out that my body has been doing the exact opposite of what it's supposed to do. My hip flexors are practically non-existent and getting them to engage has been one of the most painful and exhausting things I've had to do. My "interesting" body make-up has caused my other muscles around my pelvis to overcompensate for my lack of muscles in my pelvis area. I have great abs (most of that comes from playing wind instruments) and decent thigh muscles, but in between is not so good. So, we're strengthening them. Slowly and painfully. I hurt so bad right now.

We have our first marching band festival today. It's early for us, and we started school later than usual this year, so we've been under the gun since day one. (that rhymed....tee hee) Last night we didn't have a home football game so I called an extra practice to make sure we were more prepared for today.

All season long the drumline has been whining to me about their music. One of my former students wrote more challenging parts for them, and all I hear is complaints. The music is great, and adds so much more to our show than the original parts.

A couple of weeks ago, we were getting ready to perform the third song at a football game, and the drummers came to me and told me that they didn't know their music. I copied their music (shrunk it down) so that they could read it while marching and they just basically stood there and performed. They hated it, and so did I, but the show HAD to go on. In retrospect, I shouldn't have "saved" them, because they tried telling me the same thing last night. THE DAY BEFORE OUR FESTIVAL!

I lost it. I got angrier than I've ever been. Why do they get a different standard than the rest of the band. If anyone in the wind section didn't know their music, they didn't get to march. I told them to get down to the field and play their parts. They proceeded to try to reason with the drum major, who was caught in the middle. I got on the loudspeaker and told them that I am the band director and I want them to get on the field and play. I also told them that the disrespect I was feeling from them was unacceptable. In the six years I've been teaching high school, I've never had this happen.

Was it easy for them to get out and march? No, but they did it. We're not a band without every member--especially the drumline. Why should the entire band suffer because they didn't take the time to learn their music.

ARGH!

Anyway--here we go. Will it be our best performance? Probably not, but it will be good for us to get through it.

No pain, no gain!

Finito!

2009-09-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

I just finished writing the last sets of the last song of our marching show for this year.

This is a big deal for a girl with NO drill writing skills whatsoever... I'm simply trying it out (well, I have been "trying it out" for the past three years to varying degrees of success.) Sometimes I suffer from "drill writer's block" and other times the ideas flow feverishly. I guess that's the way most writers feel.

Now, if the kids can just learn the sets in ONE week, we'll be sitting pretty. Nothing like waiting until the last minute! :)

Same S***, Different Day

2009-09-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's time for my yearly check-up with my vascular surgeon at the Arizona Heart Hospital. I really like my surgeon (Dr. Wheatley)...he's genuinely interested in my case, and listens to what I have to say.

So, I needed a CT scan, which for me means some heavy duty Benadryl and Prednizone. Both of which make me VERY tired and VERY spacey. Luckily, they didn't give me an additional IV dose of the drugs, as I would be in bed right now.

The CT scan showed that the stent in my aorta is starting to develop build up again. Not good news. Dr. Wheatley said that it's not bad enough that we need to do something about it right now, but that we definitely need to watch it closely. He wants to see me back in two months.

Two thoughts come to mind:

1. When is this going to end?
2. If it's "starting" to look bad, why wait until it IS bad before doing something about it?

Of course, both of these questions come to me after I've left the hospital, as I'm too loopy to ask him anything while I'm hopped up on Benadryl. (Maybe that's why they do it...) :)

I'm grateful for my husband who just sits and listens to me complain about all of it and just offers words of encouragement and support. He doesn't judge, he doesn't tell me to "suck it up," he just says "I know, I know" and, "We'll get through it." He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

All right--enough complaining for tonight. I'm "manning up" right now. (Promise!)

Promises fulfilled

2009-09-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I had a great day Saturday.

We woke up early (much to Courtnie's chagrin) and travelled to Camp Verde for Ian's last "off season" wrestling tournament. He did a great job. He's learning so much and is having a great time.

We then booked it home so that I could get ham in the oven for a funeral in the afternoon. (Note to family members: I DO NOT want ham and cheesy potatoes for my funeral. Pick something fun, like pizza.) I got to the church, hams in tow, to prepare for the funeral. The joys of being in the RS presidency. The family was very grateful, and all was well.

At 4:30, we had a BBQ at the church for a friend who was getting baptized. It was actually the husband of a friend. They have been married for ten years, and she has been patiently awaiting the day when he would make the decision to be baptized. To my knowledge, she hasn't pushed or badgered, she's just quietly hoped and prayed. He's such a good man...a wonderful husband and father, and it was so neat to see her prayers answered.

It affected me a lot, as it reminded me of another promise that was fulfilled when we sat in the Salt Lake temple and witnessed a special sealing. Gordon and I were promised that the Lord would take care of this person, and He has.

Both of these occasions bear testimony to me that the Lord knows each one of us and knows the righteous desires of our hearts. I am so grateful that He listens to our prayers and wants so much for us to be happy. I know that it's not always going to be easy, but it will always be worth it.

On another side note--I went to my first physical therapy session today. I can see already how it's going to help me so much. He said that the big problem is not necessarily my lower back but my pelvis and my hip flexors. They are so tight (from everything being so small and the overcompensation issues) that it's causing stress on just about everything in that area. He gave me some stretches to do and a shock therapy back massage (which was heavenly) and sent me on my way. It's going to be great... We'll see how I feel tomorrow! :)

A-ha and ??? moments...

2009-09-17T20:54:00.001-07:00

So, after my last post I was thinking and thinking about what I could do differently to teach drill. It didn't go well on Tuesday, and I was discouraged.

I was looking around my office Wednesday afternoon for something to read while sitting and waiting for Ian and Courtnie at their piano lessons and I found two issues of The Instrumentalist that I hadn't read. Cool.

One of the articles in one of the issues was an interview with a college director from Texas somewhere. He talked about how he teaches drill, and it was amazing! Rather than trying to get students to remember 4 sets of drill at a time, he has them learn one, then they go back and forth between those sets five times to reinforce it. He said he'll spend 10 minutes on one set of drill. The big trick was to give 30 seconds to find the new drill spot, then 10 seconds to reset the form after each run-through.

Before rehearsal today, I told the students that we were going to try something different in reviewing/learning the drill. They were pretty receptive, but hesitant at first, but then were so excited once we got the hang of it. We were able to learn and clean 15 sets of drill today in 2 hours. This may not sound huge, but for us it was enormous! Not only were the spots learned, but I'm sure they'll be retained much better this way, and the best part is that the kids all felt like we accomplished something. I was so happy.

Now for my ??? moment...

I've been having problems walking and with my legs in general. As I said in a previous post, my symptoms all pointed to spinal stenosis. I had an MRI, and all it said was that I had arthritis in my back. Well, crap. That doesn't help me at all. My friend Katie's dad is a physical therapist and offered to talk to me about my symptoms. With all of my history and issues I've had, it made sense. We talked about some things while he was here, and then he called me with some other possibilities yesterday.

I called my doctor's office to run these other possibilities by them, and they all said that the radiologist said I only have arthritis. This doesn't really explain my neurological symptoms (numbness after walking a while.) Their only explanation is that perhaps the muscles in my lower back are causing pinched nerves. The PT I talked to said that's not very likely. My doctor gave me an order for physical therapy, which I'm hoping will help. Now, when I'm going to have time to actually GO to physical therapy is a different story.

I'm going to my vascular surgeon in Phoenix next week to see if there's any more blockages. That might also account for the pain in my legs while walking, as the symptoms are very similar. I'll have a CT scan and find out. I was walking Tuesday morning and by the time I got back to my office I was almost crying because my left calf hurt so bad.

I just want answers, and not more questions.

Random Thoughts

2009-09-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.

I skipped work today. I could have gone. I should have gone.

But I didn't.

And MAN, OH MAN did it feel good!

I came home early from school yesterday and slept...just wasn't feeling great. I woke up this morning feeling "blah" again, so I called in. And then I slept some more.

I managed to make it to rehearsal tonight, which brings me to my random thoughts writings...

Sometimes I wonder what I can do differently to make things better. Wait, I know...that's a pretty broad statement. I want the band to be all it can be...all I know it can be. I'm struggling with how to get them to that point.

I went to a leadership workshop with some of my leaders this past Saturday and the speaker said something that makes a lot of sense to me. He said that, as a teacher, he can fix wrong notes, bad posture, incorrect marching technique, and a host of other things, but he can't fix "I don't care." It's kind of like the adage that you can "bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." I can't motivate students to excel more than they choose to excel.

The only thing standing between them and greatness is them.

I've done the "heart to heart" talks, I've threatened them with bad grades, not marching Friday's game, and begged them to do more. Some do, some don't. What makes the difference? I wish I knew. (But then again, I'd have the monopoly on what makes a teenager "tick," and WHO on earth wants THAT???)

We have 20 more hours of rehearsal until our first competition. We need to learn 20 pages of drill in that time. The time has come to move.

Freedom isn't free...

2009-09-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

This post isn't going to be about what the title suggests, although that would be a good blog entry.

I had an exceptional group of seniors graduate last year. Twenty-five of them, to be exact, and I cared very much for each one of them. They were my second group of students to be with me all four years, and we had a very close relationship. I know what each one of them is doing, and I'm so proud of their choices in attending college, joining the armed forces, or working to save money for future endeavors.

I just read a post on Facebook today that made me sad.

One of my students is attending NAU on a music scholarship. He wants to be a band director. He posted on one of my other students a comment about her photos. She's posting the typical "girl" photos--her room, going to eat, etc. He commented that she should see one of his photos...he said it's pretty incriminating. He said he was dressed like a pirate with a beer bong in one hand and a tequila in the other.

Stupid.

This kid has had things handed to him his whole life. He had a family that supported him in music--provided lessons for every instrument he wanted to learn, encouraged him to practice, and made sure he did all of the things he was supposed to do. He was always a little arrogant of his talent, but was a good kid and a good leader last year.

I just can't fathom why people think they can't have fun without getting drunk or high. I've had a great life--filled with lots of experiences and joys--without once touching alcohol, drugs or tobacco. For me, being in band and performing was all the "high" I needed. I just wish I could convince more people of that.

(I'm chatting with one of my other former students online right now and he just said, "People who say you can't have fun without alcohol have never sat next to the clarinet section!")

I know that I'm just one person in their life, and that they will have many other influences. I also am not so naive to think that they won't ever drink--it's too prevalent in our society. I just wish they would have the brains to wait a while. Too many of them get out of the house and think that they're free, but freedom comes at a cost, and sometimes the cost can be great.

Whenever I think of drinking, I always think of Gordon's dad who's life was completely changed by a drunk driver. Gordon's dad was so full of life--athletic, strong, and charismatic. One poor choice by one person changed all of that. I wish I could change all of that.

I am content at times to think that maybe the way I am and the choices I make will affect one of my students who, in turn, can affect many others. I'm hoping that poor decisions can be avoided--or at least postponed a while.

I've been asked a few times in my life what would make me the happiest. If I had one wish, it would be for my own children and my students to make good choices and be happy. This may sound a little "Pollyanna-ish," but I believe with all of my heart that one leads to the other. When you make good choices--even though they may seem restrictive at the time, they really open up doors and give us more opportunities. You limit yourself exponentially when you make poor choices in life.

Amazing!

2009-09-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

We had an exceptional practice tonight. It was our first evening practice, and our leadership team was dedicated 100% to demand perfection from the band.

It probably doesn't hurt too much that our first football game is this Friday. It's also amazing how kids seem to step it up when they know they're under the gun. We're going to perform the first two songs of our four song set Friday, and that's a record for us. (We usually only perform the first song at the first game.) I really want to have songs under our belt early this year so we're not panicked getting in to our first competition.

It also helped a lot to be able to use Josh's laptop tonight. I was able to review the animation of the drill and help students know which way to move. I can't believe that I've been teaching high school band for five years and I just now thought to get a laptop. It's going to make things so much easier!! **Thanks, Josh!**

I'm cooking pizza in the oven right now and it's dripping onto the oven floor. I hate that. Now the pizza will taste like burnt smoke. Oh well. Next time I'll do something different. :)

No Smoking

2009-08-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was at Circle K today (yes, getting a Diet Pepsi) and was walking out when I was bombarded with cigar smoke.

Smoking is such a nasty habit. (Kind of like drinking too much Diet Pepsi--I know, dad!) I'm so grateful that it never appealed to me. Particularly in this day and age, you just can't smoke anywhere and it's become so expensive.

If what I'm seeing is correct, a pack of cigarettes cost around $5.00 a pack. I'll be the average person goes through 5 packs/week. That's $1300 a year on something that is really terrible for your body. It's also rare that just one person in the household smokes, so that $1300 probably doubles to $2600. Then there's the cost of health care, which is most likely higher because they are smokers, along with the additional doctor's visits they have related to their smoking.

When I go out to eat I'm accosted with smokers getting their last cigarette before they go into eat. Or their first cigarette after they're done eating. How awful to not be able to enjoy just sitting and relaxing with your "date" as you're too busy worrying about how quickly you can go out for a smoke.

It's like a huge ball and chain, and not the one you're married to! :)

I'm grateful for Joseph Smith and for the Word of Wisdom. It makes so much sense--it's what we know for a fact today, and what they did on faith then. I'm grateful for my children who see how incredibly stupid smoking is and have no desire to do it. I hope they remember that decision when times get tough and they are tempted.

Hell Hath No Fury...

2009-08-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Before you read this letter I wrote to Mike Vax, I should give you a little of the back story behind it...

Mike Vax is a resident of Prescott who used to play lead trumpet in the Stan Kenton big band. This is kind of a big deal, as the Kenton band is one of THE top five jazz bands, historically speaking. Eight years ago, he started a jazz festival (called the Jazz Summit) where he brings in other jazz musicians and they have concerts throughout the weekend. The "pros" also do clinics for the high school musicians in the area, and my high school has been a part of this festival for the past two years.

Sounds like a nice guy, huh? It's a nice idea, but done in a way that is not good. As I said before, Mike Vax is not only a trumpet player, but a lead trumpet player, so the ego is so over-inflated I'm surprised he can fit through the door.

Anyway--here's the letter I wrote to him after the festival yesterday. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

August 30, 2009

Mike,

As a music educator for the past fourteen years, I feel I have the best job in the world. I have the opportunity to teach my students about music and in the process instill a life-long love of the arts. I would say that the vast majority of my professional days are exceptional, and I leave at the end of the day feeling like I’ve done what I set out to do.

I have had two “low points” in my career, and yesterday at the Jazz Summit was one of them. I was humiliated publicly by a clinician, made to feel stupid and inferior by another director, and belittled and yelled at by you.

Scott’s comment about my selection of music for my band is a comment that should have been made privately to me—not in front of my band and the entire audience. Of course I know who Sammy Nestico is, but to insinuate that all of my students –many of whom hadn’t even played jazz before school started this year—should all know who he is after two weeks is ridiculous. I have plenty of Nestico in my library, and we play several of his charts throughout the year. The performance yesterday was one small “snapshot” of our year, and his comment made it seem like I don’t know what I’m doing at all.

After my band’s clinic, Doug Tidaback asked me if I’d had any jazz training at all. Needless to say, this didn’t sit too well with me. As you know, I attended Brigham Young University and studied jazz with Ray Smith, who directs one of the top jazz programs in the country. I didn’t bother telling Doug this, as he thinks what he does is better than what anyone else could ever do.

Throughout the day, you continually made comments to me about my students and what they couldn’t do, as if I didn’t know how to manage my students. My students are extremely well behaved and respectful. Perhaps we shouldn’t have left before Doug’s band finished, but I will tell you that we were there the entire day and not ONE of my students took out a cell phone the entire time. Doug’s kids were continually texting on their phones during all of the performances. Who got more out of the performances?

You and your clinicians have no idea what it is like to teach in rural Arizona, where we don’t have the resources that schools in larger cities do. There aren’t teachers available for private lessons, we don’t have a university nearby, and at Bradshaw, many of my student’s parents didn’t even attend college. Even if we did have teachers, most of my students couldn’t afford to take lessons—their parents are barely paying the rent. Most of my students don’t even have a clue what jazz is, and I have a huge job to do in teaching them the language, culture and history of jazz. I work hard to do this under a severe time crunch. The fact that your festival is three weeks after school starts, and I’m expected to have two charts ready to perform makes it difficult for me to get to deep into what jazz is…I’m too busy teaching the notes on the page.

You gave me an ultimatum yesterday (again in front of my students when it should have been done privately.) You said that if we couldn’t stay, we couldn’t play. I don’t deal well with people who give me ultimatums—that’s not how an educator operates. In the future, we won’t have anything to do with you or your festival. I am enclosing a check for the tickets we sold, and you can keep the money that you would have given us as a donation. Better yet, give it to Dan Bradstreet. He works way too hard at this festival and doesn’t get enough out of it financially. It seems as though neither of us can live up to your expectations. You cuss at me, speak disrespectfully and condescendingly to me and nothing I can do is good enough. I am fairly certain he feels the same way.

Life is too short to deal with people like you. I refuse to be treated like a lesser person—a little girl who doesn’t know the first thing about jazz or how to teach it. I don’t have time for it anymore. Please don’t ask me to be a part of your festival anymore. It’s not “about the kids,” it’s about you and your opportunity to re-live the glory days with other musicians in the name of “doing it for the kids.”

I will continue to do the very best I can with my students and the limited resources I am given. That is my job as an educator—not to cater to the whims of others. I have to trust in my own judgment and what I know is best for my students.

Respectfully,
Amie Cobb

Forgive and forget?

2009-08-28T09:15:00.001-07:00

I had an incident happen over the summer with a couple of students. One might call it "sexual harassment." I don't know what happened...I wasn't in the room when it happened. It happened during our summer leadership workshop that we attend each year in Mesa.

The two students involved seem content to move on and get past it. In fact, I haven't heard a word about it from either of them (or from anyone else, for that matter) since school started. One of the students involved was punished, and my administrators consider the case closed, and the situation complete.

I take some of my students to another mini-workshop in a couple of weeks. It's a four-hour workshop in Mesa and I take them because I need to go down there anyway. (It's our annual band director's meeting.) Plus--it's a great workshop and a super pick-me-up for them.

I sent out an email to the parents and students that I'd like to have attend. The mom of the student that was "assaulted" sent me an email that said she was "disgusted" that the other student who "assaulted" her child is still allowed to be in a leadership position and that she didn't feel he'd been appropriately punished.

First of all, the only thing that's been admitted to is arm-rubbing while head was on shoulder. That's it. Secondly, the student has been punished--he's not allowed to go on any more overnight trips, which is huge this year as we're going to Disneyland in the spring, and he's a senior. Thirdly, he's been an EXCELLENT leader, probably the best we've had in this position.

When is it time to let things go and move on? Would I feel differently if this were my child? Perhaps, but I'd also know that the punishment fits the crime. I like to think that I'm pretty fair and level headed, but is she right in being so hateful towards this child? I know that I can be a little "mama bear"-ish when it comes to my kids, and I'd do anything to protect them. How would I react to a situation like this?

I was pretty upset at her email this morning. It got me thinking a lot (which is something I don't like to do very often.) I care about both of these students, and--like I said--they both seem to have moved past it. Why can't she?

Liberty Jail

2009-08-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

I grabbed September's Ensign to read today while at Ian's piano lesson. The cover headline was President Uchtdorf's article on the role of righteous women. Normally I read the first article right away, but I flipped through to the middle this time.

The first article I came to was Elder Holland's article on Joseph Smith's time in Liberty Jail. Even though I have learned about this period of time before, reading this article made me think differently about this time. I was reminded of how terrible the conditions were in the jail...men couldn't stand upright because the ceilings were so low, their food was rotten and moldy--and sometimes poisoned, they were cold, without their family, and--worst of all--had no idea what was going to happen to them.

I can imagine being Joseph Smith in that jail, the suffering and trials he had to endure. The counsel he was given while in the jail is some of the most beautiful in the scriptures. Our Father in Heaven is truly speaking to Joseph Smith and the words He gives are exactly what I would imagine my earthly father giving to me. It is beautiful advice and counsel. The words that are that is the most poignant to me are these:

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

The part that hit me today was "endure it well." Elder Holland encouraged us to be cheerful about our afflictions. Hmm... I'm not always as happy as I could be about my afflictions. Isn't that why they're afflictions? If they were anything else, they'd call them happy-flictions or something! :)

Elder Holland speaks to us as though we're right in the room with him and he's having a conversation with us. He spoke at our stake conference a few years ago and I don't recall having a more spiritual meeting. His counsel struck me today as I get grumpy about my own trials...sometimes feeling sorry for myself and wishing things could be different. If I seek to be exalted on high, I need to learn to endure my trials better. I know that this is what life is all about.

Once again, life isn't about what happens to us, it's about what we do with what's happened to us.

I'm just a girl who can't say no...

2009-08-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

I think I can blame my mom for this one...

I can't say no.

"Hey, Amie. Do you want to come and play in the the community college big band?"

Sure...it's only once a week, right?

"Hey, Amie. Do you want to be a part of the Prescott Jazz Summit?"

Sure...how much time can it take?

"Hey, Amie. Do you want to be in the band to back up Toni Tennille this weekend?"

Sure...it pays a little, too!

"Hey, Amie. Do you want to go and teach band to 100 kids per day? Be their teacher, counselor, advisor and part-time mother?"

Sure...I think I can do that.

"Hey, Amie. Will you be the 2nd counselor in the Relief Society presidency?"

Sure...it will be tough to schedule things in during marching season, but we'll make it work.

"Hey, Amie. Can you be my mom?"

Sure...it's what I've always wanted.

I know, WHINE, WHINE, WHINE.

Someday maybe I'll learn to say, "No thanks, I'm just too busy right now."

On second thought, I probably won't.

Thoughts on Julia Child

2009-08-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

I just got back from seeing the movie "Julie and Julia." It was one of the cutest movies I've seen in a long time.

I remember seeing snippets of Julia Child's cooking show growing up, and laughing hysterically when Saturday Night Live would do a parody of her on their show. She could make even the most uncoordinated and clumsy person feel graceful! I didn't realize how tall she was!

She began cooking because she loved food and needed something to occupy her time while her husband worked. She enrolled in Le Cordon Bleu cooking school, where she was the only female in a world dominated by men. She became very competitive and excelled in class. Her attitude was great to watch--she almost thrived on someone telling her that she couldn't do something.

While I'm no Julia Child, I was able to see some parallels in my own life. I am a female high school band director--which is rare. I think there are only five or six of us in the entire state. I, too, seem to thrive when someone tells me I can't do something. It's like I enjoy doing things anyway--just to spite them. I'm also pretty competitive, but don't tell Gordon that! (Especially when we play cards...)

At one point in the movie, Julia's sister gets married and becomes pregnant right away. When Julia (who had been married for several years and unable to have children) learned of the pregnancy, she cried...and then said, "I really am happy." You could see the disappointment and hurt on her face.

This was poignant to me, as I felt the same way when I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant after only being married a short time. Gordon and I had been waiting for five years for a child, and she was married less than six months! It hardly seemed fair, and I remember crying and crying about it. I didn't know it at the time, but Gordon had found out earlier that day that we'd been chosen to be Ian's parents. He let me suffer--the goof!

Throughout it all, Julia kept a great attitude. She maintained a fighter's attitude and never gave up, even when she'd ruin a perfectly good dish on national TV. She'd find a way to learn from it while at the same time teaching us all to learn from her mistakes. What a lesson to me. When life gives me issues to deal with, I need to look at them as learning opportunities rather than trials. I know we're sent here to deal with those issues, and I know we'll be judged on how we deal with them.

If Julia Child can deal with a ruined omelet on national TV, surely I can deal with whatever can come my way.

Nobody knows...

2009-08-21T08:03:00.001-07:00

Okay, it's time for another pity session again. Don't read on if you don't want to hear it. I don't care. :)

So, for the past few years I've been having problems with my lower back and numbness in my legs when I walk. It feels like I would imagine an epidural would feel. I have function, I can walk, but my legs and butt go completely numb.

About 3 years ago I started seeing a chiropractor for it, and then realized after about 3 months that it wasn't getting any better. I couldn't walk for more than about a block without going numb. It was expensive, and not covered by insurance, so I stopped going. Eventually the numbness went away almost entirely, so I thought I was fine.

This past spring I started having serious pain in my conducting arm. My forearm and elbow would hurt like none other when I'd conduct. I knew that our friend Sam (another chiropractor) had helped Gordon with pain like this in the past, so I went to see him. After some serious bruising and intense pain sessions, my arm is better.

During one of the visits, he told me he wanted to take a look at my lower back. (I guess I just have "that look" about me.) He did some decompression therapy on my lower back, and told me that my muscles were extremely tight back there. I figured we'd work on it and it would be fine.

Right after I left Sam's office, I went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping. Five minutes in to my shopping, I went completely numb. More numb than I've ever been before. I felt like I was wearing clown shoes, and it was all I could do to keep going. I went back the next week to Sam's office and told him what happened. He ordered x-rays to see what's going on.

Right about that time I left for my trip to Utah and didn't get the x-rays done. I still continued to go numb about 1-2 times a week. In addition to the numbness, my leg muscles grow EXTREMELY fatigued after walking a short distance. I know I'm not in the greatest shape, but I should be able to walk farther than the parking lot to my room without growing so tired that I feel like I can't take another step. I knew that something more was wrong.

I Googled my symptoms. (I adore Google!) All of my symptoms seem to point towards something called "lumbar stenosis," which basically means my spinal cord is being choked to death. Knowing my history, with the radiation treatments in that area and all, it makes a lot of sense. I also have a mild case of osteoporosis, which also accounts for the deterioration of the bones in my spine.

I went to see my primary care doctor (whom I also adore) and she was very concerned about my symptoms and ordered an MRI right away. If this deteriorates much more I'll lose control of my bowels. Not cool. Definitely DON'T want that to happen!

There are several things that can be done for this, if in fact it turns out to be lumbar stenosis. The first step is physical therapy and cortisone injections. The next step is surgery to open up the cavity where the spinal cord is located. Given my age, this may be the most logical step. We'll have to wait and see what the MRI says, but it's so good to know that we're "on the case."

I am so grateful for a wonderful doctor who listens and is concerned about me. Sometimes I feel like such a whiner when I go in and see her, but she never makes me feel that way. I definitely don't want to sound like a hypochondriac, but I feel that way sometimes, too. I just want to feel normal. But then again, who knows what "normal" is? I tell my students all of the time that they way they feel right now is just about as good as it gets. :)

I'm also grateful for good health insurance. In this time of debate over the current insurance situation, it makes me truly frightened for what could be. I don't pretend to understand it all, but I enjoy what health coverage I have now, and the freedoms it gives me to get the testing I need. I'm hoping this issue will come to a resolution soon, and it is one that will benefit all.

Gordon and the mighty horse

2009-08-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today is Gordon's 42nd birthday. As we were driving today, he looked at me and said, "When you're 42, I hope you look this good." I love his sense of humor. (He was rubbing his "keg" as he said it.) ;)

We traveled to the Valley of the Sun today and (yet again) wondered why/how people can live there. It was 108 at 1:00! Too much!

We were able to get Gordon his favorite bean and cheese burrito from Elmer's, so it was a great day for him. We stopped in at his mom's for a bit and then went to Queen Creek to pick up Courtnie's new horse, Buddy.

Buddy has been around the block a few times. We think he's 35 years old, which is like 90 in human years. We don't know if he'll canter, or even trot, but he'll be fun for Courtnie to hang out with. It's amazing how quickly she's fallen in love with riding horses. Her teacher, Kaylee says she's a natural. I'm glad she's found something she enjoys. That's all we can hope for as parents.

I was texting my brother Alex today and giving him a hard time for going to Utah and not coming to see us in Arizona. He texted back and said he's on his way to come see us. I was just kidding him, but he's serious. He's probably close to Flagstaff right now. He's alone, and will have a long drive back, but it will be fun to see him for a bit. I'm still hoping he can hook me up with a cheap laptop. (He works at Best Buy.)

I slept really well last night and feel somewhat refreshed for the week ahead. I have a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon--that means I'll miss my Sunday nap, but I'll survive. I always do. :)

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

2009-08-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, after a long hiatus, I'm back.

I've realized that I've missed writing down my thoughts, and even though I'm now woefully busy, I'm going to start back up. (Like it or not!)

I'm now starting my fourth day of school. It's weird to me that we start so early--band camp started in July! I think I get to a place over the summer when I'm just ready to go back, so I guess early is good.

I volunteered to do some pretty weird stuff with my schedule this year and it just may kill me. I love jazz...teaching, playing--whatever. When I started teaching at BMHS six years ago the principal called me in and told me that he was going to have to cut jazz band because there weren't enough kids in the class. I told him that I'd find the kids, and I did. "Finding kids" has come at a cost, and I've been fighting it ever since. For the past five years, we've had a mediocre jazz band because most kids can't fit it into their schedule. I've been stuck with whoever could make it work. I have had some great musicians in the class, but a lot of kids who just don't belong. I believe very strongly that the jazz band should be the "cream of the crop."

In order to make it work this year, I'm teaching it as an "early bird" class, every morning at 7:00 a.m. This may not sound early, but it means I have to get up and get going by 5:30, which is torture for a non-morning person like me. So far, so good--kids are showing up on time and we're getting work done. It's hard to get Ian and Courtnie up and moving some days (Courtnie more so than Ian) but I think they'll get used to it.

I also have marching band practice from 2:30-5:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but that's another story...

I saw my husband for a total of 10 minutes yesterday. After leaving early from school early yesterday, I rushed home, put dinner in the crock pot, then went and did RS visits. That ended at 6:20. I rushed home again, cooked some rice, did the dishes and had another meeting at the church. When that ended at 8:45, I went to the hospital to visit a sister who was having chest pains. (Turns out she's okay...) I got home around 9:45, just in time to kiss my husband good bye before he went to work and I went to bed. He has football practice every day from 2:15 to 6:00, and although he's happy and I'm happy, we're both too busy to do much else.

When do we clean our house, fold laundry, and everything else we need to get done?

Frustrating!

So, we take it one day at a time.

I'm having a great year so far in band. I'm up to 90 kids in the band, and 43 of them are freshmen. Luckily, they're all pretty good kids and they've learned fast. Things are progressing fairly well, which is good because our first game is September 4. It's going to be here before we know it!

Week in Review

2009-06-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

I've had a pretty successful week...thus far. I've accomplished all of the things I set out to do, and am feeling pretty good about it. :)

Courtnie's dress--DONE!
House clean--DONE!
Practiced solo for Sunday's fireside--DONE!
Written talk--DONE! (almost)
Family on their way or here--DONE!

Courtnie and I have enjoyed our time together. I miss my husband and son, but am glad that they're having a great time. Gordon called on Wednesday and had fun tales to tell of Ian eating worms and riding wild burros. Mostly, I'm so glad that he hasn't been troubled with the separation anxiety that has plagued him for the past couple of years. I was worried about that, and have been praying daily for his happiness. I'm hoping that this will be a great turning point for him.

Courtnie had her baptismal interview with our bishop on Tuesday. Afterwards, the bishop told me what a sweet testimony she has. We talked a bit about the interview on the way home, and I felt the Spirit so strong as she told me what she told the bishop about her relationship with Jesus and what she thinks about Him. I truly knew the meaning of "child-like faith."

Wednesday night, my good friend Katie came over to watch "Ben-Hur." (She'd never seen it, and your life just isn't complete until you do!) I've seen this movie probably 25 times, and learn something new every time. This time, the character Balthazar struck me. In the movie he plays one of the three Wise Men who brings gifts to the infant Christ. He shows up in the movie a couple more times--each time searching for the grown Christ. The line that hit me this time was when he said, "When I see Him, I will know it is Him."

Throughout my life, I have been taught to live so that when Christ comes again I will recognize Him. One of the biggest struggles I have in my life is that I tend to be too self-reliant. I think I can do it all without asking for help. The person I need help from the most is my Savior, and at times, He has been the person I am least likely to ask. I don't know why. The thing that is the most astonishing to me is that He never tires of waiting for me to shape up and just ask. I know that He is there, and I know that He is listening. I have felt His presence in my life many times.

Later on in the movie, when Christ is delivering his Sermon on the Mount, we see Balthazar again. He tells Judah Ben-Hur that he KNOWS this is the man he has been seeking his entire life. I hope that I can live my life so that when He comes again I can be that kind of a witness as well.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

2009-06-22T21:18:00.001-07:00

So my boys are gone.

They left this morning at 6:30 for Scout camp. Gordon is the new Scoutmaster, so he's off with the boys for the week. They're in Greer, AZ for some horseback riding, fishing, and whatever else boys do at Scout camp. (It's one of those boy mysteries they don't tell girls about...) :)

I'd like to say that Courtnie and I have big plans, but we actually have a week full of stuff to do. Today we ran a ton of errands, tomorrow I have practice and a RS presidency meeting, Wednesday I'm (hopefully) getting my hair done and have a chiropractor appointment, Thursday I have to be at school in the afternoon for color guard practice.

Sometime during the week I have to...
--Get Courtnie's baptism dress made
--Practice and write a talk for Sunday's fireside
--Clean my house
--Get food preparations done for Saturday's lunch
--Plan meals for the weekend with the family
--Get programs printed for her baptism

I'm sure there's more. I'll get to it. One step at a time, right?

I'm so lucky to have an easy-going girl. She just rolls with the punches and is happy pretty much all of the time. I'm grateful for some girl time this week...I'm going to make the most of it, even if it's just hanging out while I'm at the sewing machine or putting on loud music while we clean the house together. We'll work it out, because we always do.

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

2009-06-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

I love the movie "Yentl." I love it because my mom loved it, and she loved it because Barbara's in it. Nuff said. :)

In the last few months, I had the opportunity to watch it again. It's been a while since I've seen it--maybe ten years or so. I saw it with a new set of eyes. I began to appreciate even more the relationship Yentl had with her father, as it reminded me a lot of my own father. Over the years, I have come to realize what a great man he is, and I appreciate him, as Yentl appreciated her father.

Here are a few of the things I have learned from my father:
1. What to expect from a husband. Expect nothing less than the best from him, and make sure he treats me like a queen. (Which he does!)
2. How to be a teacher. My dad is an excellent teacher, and I love his teaching style.
3. How to love learning and to be a life-long learner.
4. To love books and the adventures the can take you on and places they can take you to. My dad and I are both VORACIOUS readers. I love books so much I could cry.
5. To show unconditional love. His kids have all screwed up from time to time--well, except for Bill :)--and he loves them all anyway.
6. How to give great advice.
7. How to write a great paper, resume, and letter. I am confident that the reason I have the job I do is because I wrote a great cover letter! :)
8. How to be an expert in teasing others. It's a family trait, and I excel at it!
9. Never settle for less than the best in yourself.
10. Love music and appreciate it. I also wouldn't be where I am today if my dad hadn't taken me to the music store all of those years ago...
11. How to love and appreciate Scouting. I'm gaining a new appreciation for this as my husband just got called to be Scoutmaster...again!
12. How to be a great parent--one who loves, teaches, listens to and appreciates each one of his kids.
13. Most importantly--he taught (and continues to teach) me the importance of having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. The blessings we receive from Him are evident every day.

I love you so much, Dad. I'm grateful for each one of these things...and many more...that you have taught me.

Happy Father's Day, Papa!

Happy Birthday, Cahkoola!

2009-06-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited that I got these photos in the right order! (The trick...for all of you bloggers out there...is to enter them in reverse order.)

Here are some photos of our "pre-birthday" celebration dinner at Chili's. Courtnie LOVES Chili's, but the only thing she eats there is the Skillet Queso with chips. Gordon, Ian, Courtnie, Amie and Allison waiting to order our food.
Kassie, Josh and Megan looking cute.

Mikey and his Uncle "Go-Go."

The kids after dinner.

For dinner tonight, all Courtnie wanted was mashed potatoes and gravy, so I cooked a roast. We had Josh and Kassie over so we could all eat cake and ice cream together. Here's Courtnie blowing out her candle.

Happy birthday, sweetie!

Splendid--but difficult--reading

2009-06-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I borrowed a book from the library. It was a book that one of the book clubs I belong to was/had read(ing) and was going to discuss soon. I haven't attended this particular book club in a while, so I thought I'd check out the book and try to join up again.

The book is called "The Book Thief" by Marus Zusak. It's about 550 pages long, and was in the "Young Adult" section of the library, although I wouldn't have placed it there. (The subject material was pretty hard to read.) I finished it just a few minutes ago. (I think it took me about 8 hours total...I read too fast for my own good sometimes!)

It's the story of a young girl growing up during in Munich, Germany during WWII. She is orphaned at the age of 9 because her parents were Communists. She was sent to live with a foster family in Munich. The book details her life with the family--an older couple with two grown children. Along the way they hide a Jewish man, she becomes friends with a mischievous boy, and she steals books.

As you would imagine, the story is hard to read--full of tragedy and loss during this awful period in human history. The book is narrated by Death, which puts an interesting perspective on things. It allows the story to be told matter-of-factly, as you would imagine Death would tell it. Even so, you can visualize exactly what is taking place and you can feel what each character is feeling.

As I was reading, especially the rather tragic ending, I couldn't help but think about what a terrible thing war is. I am not a peace-loving hippie, and I understand that sometimes war is necessary, especially when you're trying to stop a total lunatic like Hitler, but it doesn't stop me from feeling sick inside about all of the loss. The German people (well, many of them) blindly followed Hitler, believing him to be the "ultimate leader." I wonder how many of them knew what was really going on (not many, I'm sure), and how many were sickened when they found out. They lost so much in the name of prosperity and the "forward thinking" of one man.

Are we so blind that we wouldn't recognize the same thing if it was happening under our noses? I hope that we have learned enough from the lessons of the past to know better, but sometimes I feel like we could be headed for a similar fate. We are told to pray for our leaders, and I know that's the best we can do.

I'm still thinking on this, and may add more later, but that's all for now...

Football Widow

2009-06-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

I knew it was inevitable. I knew it was just a matter of time.

I've become a football widow.

My husband is coaching football at our high school, and is having the time of his life. This makes me so happy. I am grateful that he has found a way to work with the youth and teach--two things he excels at.

He spent the entire day with them today. Practice/conditioning from 8:00-9:00, car wash from 10:00-2:00 and their Friday 7-on-7 game from 4:00-6:00. He came home tonight happy, tired, and very sunburned!

My hope is that I will be as supportive of him as he's been of me. He's never once complained about the hours I put in as a band director...never. I tend to complain a bit more. (I like to call it "murmuring." It sounds better.) I need to remember that he's been my #1 fan throughout my career, and I need to be his #1 fan in this endeavor. That's what a good marriage is all about.

It's going to take work from me, but I love him and want him to be happy. So it's worth it!

Scriptures

2009-06-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

In our church, a lot of emphasis is placed on Joseph Smith and his translation of the Book of Mormon. This is the most important book ever written, no doubt about it.

In the past year or so I've been reading a lot of historical fiction that takes place around Henry VIII's time in England. (It all started with "Pillars of the Earth.") In the past month, I've read two books that discuss the translation of the Bible into English and how heretical it was at the time.

I am so grateful to those brave men and women who risked life and limb--literally--to translate the Bible. In these books, stories are told of people beaten, tortured, and even burned at the stake for disagreeing with the Catholic church. We are taught that the Lord prepared the earth for a long time before Joseph Smith questioned in the Sacred Grove. I am confident that without these brave men and women who lived hundreds of years before Joseph Smith, we wouldn't be where we are today. If Martin Luther hadn't written his 95 Theses, if John Wycliffe hadn't insisted on the translation of the Bible so that the "common man" could read, understand, and question for themselves, Joseph Smith wouldn't have found James 1:5. How pivotal that was to all Latter-Day Saints.

Reading these books also makes me realize how important it is to do our family history. To find these people who, I am sure, if they had the chance, would have embraced the Gospel. I'm grateful that there will be a time and a season for me to work on this. (It's not right now, but will be some day.)

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

2009-06-10T21:23:00.001-07:00

Short blog entry today. I'm tired! :)

We went swimming today at Kassie's. I am so grateful for this, as it has given my kids the opportunity to get wet. My kids have been scared of the water, and it's mostly my fault as I haven't provided swimming lessons like a good mom would. :(

Today, Ian felt confident enough to do several "cannonballs" off the end of the pool, and Courtnie actually let go of the side of the pool. This doesn't sound like much, but it's huge for them. Even though it's rather humiliating for me to get in a swimsuit and go out in public, I'm willing to do it if it gets them going.

(Oh, and I have to put up with a little sunburn, too. Not fun. You'd think I'd know better!)

G+A=TLA

2009-06-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have a great husband.

Sure, he drives me nuts from time to time. I'm sure I drive him nuts FAR more often than he drives me nuts.

I just read an article in this month's Ensign (pronounced: N-Sign, not N-sun--that's pet peeve #3). The article was entitled "Granola Crumbs and Paint Cans." In the article, a woman describes her slight annoyance at her husband for leaving granola crumbs on the couch. She then looked around and saw that, as an artist, her messes were taking over the house, and he hadn't said a word about it.

I wish I could say that I don't get annoyed at my husband for leaving his plate by the couch, or for leaving empty pop cans around, or for folding his clothes after wearing them and placing them on the back of the couch.

It seems to me that the only time Christ really got annoyed at people was when there were "moneychangers" in the temple. (That would tick me off, too.) He didn't get annoyed when people spat at Him, made fun of Him, or called Him vile names. If we are striving to be more Christlike, perhaps I need to start with my patience for my husband's little quirks. Maybe then he'll be more tolerant of mine.

We're going to have to move soon. Our landlord is putting our house up for sale. We found out yesterday that he had scheduled an appraiser to come out today, so we were frantically cleaning the house. Instead of going to sleep when he got home from work, my husband stayed up and cleaned. I had a RS presidency meeting, and he stayed up and cleaned. When I got home, the house looked great. He's pretty amazing.

I love you, babe. Thanks for sticking with me--I'm not so sure than anyone else would have! :)

Power of Prayer

2009-06-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

Another cool teaching moment today.

In case you don't already know, I have the WORST veins in the history of the world. You may think you have bad veins, but you've got NOTHING on me.

Fortunately for me, I have to get blood drawn and/or an IV put in about six times a year. My two favorite words in the English language are "blood draw." Oh joy!

I had a follow-up MRI for my kidney cancer today. When I arrived at the hospital, they told me that I needed a blood draw to test my kidney function before they could give me the contrast dye I needed for the MRI. I freaked out (temporarily) and then remembered what Ian and I had done just a few moments before.

As I was leaving my house this morning, Ian was the only one up. As I was stepping into my truck, I asked Ian to say a prayer for me that I'd have an easy time with veins today. He smiled and said, "Sure, mom. I'll do it." He then asked me to pray for he and Courtnie to be safe while they were alone for a bit before Gordon got home from football practice. I told him I would and was on my way.

Low and behold, the lab tech got a good vein on the first try. He took the blood he needed and I was on my way.

When I got to the MRI room, they were already set up for me. They obviously remembered me from last time, and were going to do the IV first. The radiology tech tried a vein on my right arm without luck. (It hurt like heck!) She then said she wasn't going to try anymore and called for the nursing supervisor. (She was the one who finally got a vein after 6 tries by others the last time!) She found the same vein the lab tech used and got the IV going on the first try. I almost cried.

I called Ian when I was leaving the hospital to tell him the good news, and he said, "See mom, prayer works!" I told him that I prayed for him, too and he said he knew it because he felt comforted when he was alone.

I'm grateful for a son who recognizes the power of prayer. He knows that it works, and I hope that he'll always remember it.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

2009-06-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

I have a new church calling. After my millionth stint as Primary Chorister, I was called last Sunday to be the Enrichment counselor in the Relief Society presidency of our ward. I think out of the almost 18 years Gordon and I have been married, I've actually been able to attend RS about one year--total.

Needless to say, this is all pretty new to me. I'm also not a big "Enrichment Night" attendee. I'm usually so tired and/or want to spend time with my family on Thursday nights. (Plus...HELLO...that's the night "Survivor" is on!!) So, I'm in need of some serious repenting here, which is probably why I was given this calling in the first place.

I also know that I need a challenge. It's easy to get in a "rut" when you've been doing something for so long. My Sundays took little-to-no preparation. I'm sure I could have done a better job...no, I know I could have done a better job. But, I feel that way with all of the callings I've had over the course of my life.

So, today was my first Sunday in RS. Our ward is gradually shrinking as the economy of the area weakens and people are forced to move. Today we had 21 people in RS, and that was HUGE for us. Granted, a lot of sisters are in Primary or Young Women, but it's still small. When I was able to attend RS just a year ago, it seemed much bigger.

Our new RS president is awesome. I really like her, and she and I have similar personalities. She gave a great lesson today on unity in sisterhood. I know she was inspired in the things she shared with us and the lesson went by very quickly and smoothly.

Before she got to the lesson, she announced that we'd have a new member baptism in a couple of weeks. I didn't know this, but her family has been working with the missionaries on this cute older couple...the Newtons. Sister Newton talked a bit about the plans for her baptism, and was just so excited. It was so neat to see the glow in her face and the love for the Gospel she had. It just beamed from her.

As grateful as I am to have been born to goodly parents and raised in the Church, at times I envy those who join later on in life. It is so obvious that they have been seeking for something their whole life, and are thrilled beyond description to have finally found it. I take my membership in the Church for granted so much. It was good to be reminded of how important it is to not only me, but others as well.

Her excitement in the Gospel was infectious, and her eyes were full of joy. I want to live my life so that others see me that way. As I said before, it's easy to get complacent. Maybe this new calling is just the kick in the pants I need to make me realize how important it really is.

Finding "Teaching Moments"

2009-06-06T19:32:00.001-07:00

Our family had a busy morning...

Gordon left for his company's charity golf tournament at 6:00 a.m., and the rest of us got up about 6:30 to get ready for Ian's "Wrestling War" in Camp Verde.

Courtnie gets bored at Ian's wrestling events, so I dropped her off at her friends house. It was then just Ian and I in our truck.

I invited Ian to sit in the front seat, something I never do. Even though he's 12, and "legally" able to sit in the front, he's still just too little--in my opinion. But today, I wanted to talk, and I needed him close to me.

We chatted about this and that...Ian's a smart boy who has a good head on his shoulders. I love that he wants to badly to do what's right. He can't understand why people make bad choices...he never has been able to comprehend that. From a very young age, he would ask me questions like "Why do people smoke when they know it's bad for them?" and "Why do we have these rated 'R' movies in our cabinet when we promised Heavenly Father we wouldn't watch them anymore?" Sure, some of these questions make me feel more than a little guilty, but it's just because the "wicked take the truth to be hard."

Today we got on the topic of the Word of Wisdom and caffeinated soda. If you know me even a little bit, you know that my biggest weakness is Diet Pepsi. I love it more than a fat kid loves cake. Truly. I've tried to stop drinking it several times, and it just keeps calling to me. I explained to Ian that the general authorities have counseled us that it's a personal choice. I am currently trying to cut way back on the amount of soda I'm drinking--not necessarily as a caffeine issue, but as a health issue. I just plain need to drink more water. He told me that he's made the choice not to drink soda with caffeine, and I'm proud of him.

After kicking butt and taking names at the wrestling war, we had another chance to talk on the way home. I told him how much I love watching him wrestle and how in awe I am of him and his physical abilities. I told him that every time I watch him struggle with his opponent, I am reminded of one of my favorite stories from the Book of Mormon, where Enos "wrestles with the Lord." That scripture never really hit me until I watched my son wrestle.

Ian and I discussed Joseph Smith and how much he loved to wrestle. I told him that I can imagine Joseph Smith, translating the Book of Mormon, and getting a mental image of Enos and his struggle with the Lord. How interesting it is to me that the word "wrestle" would come to him, as it so aptly describes the struggle we all go through at times. How easy it would be if we would just stop being so pig-headed and just accept that the Lord is right--always! I'm sure it gets really frustrating for Him sometimes. I'd be tempted to say "I TOLD you so!"

Anyway--I'm grateful for the time I had with my son today. I know that I need to take advantage of every opportunity to be with him. Our family isn't always the best at sitting down and having "gospel discussions," but I'm hoping that the informal, "in the car" discussions will stick with my kids. Some of my fondest memories from my teenage years are when my dad would take me to the store just because he knew I needed to talk. I remember those talks, and more than that, I remember that he cared for me. That's more important than just about anything.

I've got a camera, I've got a camera, I've got a camera hey hey hey hey

2009-06-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

Gordon and I have been wanting/needing:

a) a new digital camera

b) a camcorder

The camera I currently have (or should I say had) was a 5 mega pixel that occasionally took a good picture. Actually, I think I've taken five or six good pictures on that camera since getting it as a gift almost four years ago.

We wanted a camcorder to record--among other things--Ian's wrestling matches. We've borrowed Josh and Kassie's camcorder and in the past and it's been so helpful for Ian to watch his matches. He learns a lot.

With those two things in mind, we went to our local Best Buy today. We were going to purchase just a camcorder, and picked out a few that we liked. We asked if the camcorder took decent still photos and were told that the camcorder "photos" were terrible. We then asked if we could purchase a camera that would shoot decent videos and were told that we're better off doing it that way.

We purchased the camera you see above.

We took it to Josh and Kassie's today for Allison's birthday and here are a few of the photos:

The "head honcho" rigging up the pinata:

Mikey and Megan picking up their loot:

The birthday girl:

Ian and Courtnie examine their loot:

I also called my dad for some "expert" advice. I always like talking to my dad, and I'm grateful (as always) for his no-nonsense advice. I can't wait until he's here at the end of the month!!

I love you, dad! :)

There's all this dough, see...and it's buried under this big W

2009-06-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a teacher, for those of you who don't know.

One of the most challenging parts of my job has nothing to do with actual "teaching." I get paid every other week, like most people. The challenging part comes in at the end of the school year, when I get one lump sum check for the five paychecks I would normally get over the summer. It's a huge amount of money (well, huge for me...) and making it last over the summer has been a difficulty for our family.

So, today I went and picked up my five paychecks, my performance pay, and a little bit of my stipend money. It all totals a little less than $9000. This sounds like a lot of money, and it is, but for some reason we always end up eating pancakes for dinner the weeks before I get paid again.

I've been teaching for fourteen years now and have yet to figure out a way to make it work. Some teachers put their entire check into a savings account and "pay" themselves every two weeks. Gordon's mom used to pay all of her car payments, mortgage, etc. for the three months up front and then live off the rest--sparingly. We've tried this method for the past little while and it just doesn't seem to work for us.

This year, Gordon and I decided that we would pay our tithing and bills up front, then go to Costco and create a 3-month supply. We don't have a year's supply yet, and we figured this would be a great way to try this out. We're going to make a month of menus and purchase everything we need to get through the next three months. As this is an experiment, we may not be completely successful, but it will be a great "trial run." Our hope is that we can then just continue to add on to what we have done and get more storage together.

Today, I'm grateful for our inspired church leadership that encourages us to be frugal and to live within our means. Gordon's mom has a famous saying that drives him crazy, but it applies very well today--"It's not necessary."

I love Elder Hales' talk about Provident Living at the past conference. Here's an excerpt:

"What is a provident provider?

"All of us are responsible to provide for ourselves and our families in both temporal and spiritual ways. To provide providently, we must practice the principles of provident living: joyfully living within our means, being content with what we have, avoiding excessive debt, and diligently saving and preparing for rainy-day emergencies. When we live providently, we can provide for ourselves and our families and also follow the Savior’s example to serve and bless others.
Being provident providers, we must keep that most basic commandment, “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Our world is fraught with feelings of entitlement. Some of us feel embarrassed, ashamed, less worthwhile if our family does not have everything the neighbors have. As a result, we go into debt to buy things we can’t afford—and things we do not really need. Whenever we do this, we become poor temporally and spiritually. We give away some of our precious, priceless agency and put ourselves in self-imposed servitude. Money we could have used to care for ourselves and others must now be used to pay our debts. What remains is often only enough to meet our most basic physical needs. Living at the subsistence level, we become depressed, our self-worth is affected, and our relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord are weakened. We do not have the time, energy, or interest to seek spiritual things.

"How then do we avoid and overcome the patterns of debt and addiction to temporal, worldly things? May I share with you two lessons in provident living that can help each of us. These lessons, along with many other important lessons of my life, were taught to me by my wife and eternal companion. These lessons were learned at two different times in our marriage—both on occasions when I wanted to buy her a special gift.

"The first lesson was learned when we were newly married and had very little money. I was in the air force, and we had missed Christmas together. I was on assignment overseas. When I got home, I saw a beautiful dress in a store window and suggested to my wife that if she liked it, we would buy it. Mary went into the dressing room of the store. After a moment the salesclerk came out, brushed by me, and returned the dress to its place in the store window. As we left the store, I asked, “What happened?” She replied, “It was a beautiful dress, but we can’t afford it!” Those words went straight to my heart. I have learned that the three most loving words are “I love you,” and the four most caring words for those we love are “We can’t afford it.”
The second lesson was learned several years later when we were more financially secure. Our wedding anniversary was approaching, and I wanted to buy Mary a fancy coat to show my love and appreciation for our many happy years together. When I asked what she thought of the coat I had in mind, she replied with words that again penetrated my heart and mind. “Where would I wear it?” she asked. (At the time she was a ward Relief Society president helping to minister to needy families.)

"Then she taught me an unforgettable lesson. She looked me in the eyes and sweetly asked, “Are you buying this for me or for you?” In other words, she was asking, “Is the purpose of this gift to show your love for me or to show me that you are a good provider or to prove something to the world?” I pondered her question and realized I was thinking less about her and our family and more about me.

"After that we had a serious, life-changing discussion about provident living, and both of us agreed that our money would be better spent in paying down our home mortgage and adding to our children’s education fund.

"These two lessons are the essence of provident living. When faced with the choice to buy, consume, or engage in worldly things and activities, we all need to learn to say to one another, “We can’t afford it, even though we want it!” or “We can afford it, but we don’t need it—and we really don’t even want it!”"

I want to continue to strive to live by these words. I haven't always, but I know it is wise counsel.

O Remember, Remember

2009-06-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

I loved this talk by Henry B. Eyring at our last conference. (Or was it two conferences ago?)

When we were first married, Gordon had me cross-stitch the word "remember," as he feels it's the most important word in the English language. I've pondered that word many times during the last 18 years, and I believe it to be true as well.

So...with that in mind, I'm beginning a new quest. I'm going to try my hardest to write a short, simple blog each day about recognizing the Lord's hand in the events of my day. Some days may be more profound than others, but the important thing is the remembering.

My day isn't over yet, but I'm going to write about my sister-in-law, Kassie. I am so grateful to have Cobabes close by! She has been gracious and kind to me, and is a great example of Christ-like living. She freely gives of herself and I appreciate that so much. We had a fun day yesterday hanging out with her kids and swimming. She is also a great photographer, and took some amazing photos of my daughter for her baptism announcements. They look AWESOME!

I am the type of person who KNOWS that everything happens for a reason. I know that the Lord sent Josh and Kassie to Prescott Valley, and I'm so grateful that He did. They have been so great to our family and I absolutely LOVE getting to know them and their cute kids better.

Thanks, Kassie! You're awesome! :)