Star Wars Geek

I think that I've seen each of the six Star Wars movies about 50 times each.  When I was teaching Jazz Band, after our concerts we would play the Star Wars Trivial Pursuit game.  I had a few "kindred spirits" in the group. :)

Some of my fondest childhood memories revolve around watching movies with my family.  We love movies, and I think we all enjoy the Star Wars movies.  The Empire Strikes Back was in theaters when I was going through my cancer treatments, and I remember my mom and I stopping to watch it late one night when we were on our way home from the hospital.  It was a special treat, as we didn't have a lot of money, and seeing a movie in the theatre was a big deal.

George Lucas is a genius, and I've always believed that if he were to learn about the LDS religion, he would find that his movies have a lot in common with our faith.  One of my favorite scenes is in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda is training Luke on how to recognize the dark side from the good.  It is exactly how you recognize the Spirit--when you are at peace.  There are too many parallels to mention, and it would all be the "gospel according to Amie," so I won't elaborate any further. :)

I remember seeing all three of the prequels in the theaters.  I think we took Ian to see the first episode when he was still in a car seat.  He sat very still and watched the entire thing.  (Well, at least it looked that way...)  While the first two episodes were visually stunning, and helped to flesh out the story of how the characters in the last three episodes came to be, I was rather underwhelmed.

The third episode affected me very much.  In fact, I think I cried in the theater the first time I saw it.  To watch a person go down that slippery slope to the dark side was difficult for me.  It was especially difficult to watch this character I had grown up with go from being an innocent child to someone so evil. 

This movie was on TV today and I was again affected by it.  What hit me today was how much the Chancellor/Emperor is like Satan.  He gained Anakin's trust and then used that friendship and exploited it for his own purposes.  He flattered Anakin into believing that his power was the only way to bring peace to the galaxy.  In this way the Chancellor was able to get Anakin to turn his back on the good and to do his bidding in destroying the Jedi.

 In the Book of Mormon, we learn more about how Satan does this:

2nd Nephi 2:22-23

22 And there are also secret ^acombinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the ^bdevil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and ^cworks of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

23 For behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you that the Lord God worketh not in ^adarkness.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, section 10, we learn how he flatters us and leads us to do evil for him. 

25 Yea, he saith unto them: ^aDeceive and lie in wait to catch, that ye may destroy; behold, this is no harm. And thus he flattereth them, and telleth them that it is no sin to ^blie that they may catch a man in a lie, that they may destroy him.

26 And thus he ^aflattereth them, and leadeth them along until he draggeth their souls down to ^bhell; and thus he causeth them to catch themselves in their own ^csnare.

Am I comparing the gospel of Christ to a Star Wars movie?  Absolutely not, but the paralells are interesting and to me are an example of the power of the "dark side" in our lives.  It starts small, but soon we are trapped and are led by that flaxen cord down to hell.  Recognizing the Spirit in our lives and avoiding those things that would allow us to become ensnared is what will keep us from becoming someone we don't want to be.  Happiness is temporary; true joy is forever.

Forever Grateful

I was up late again last night flipping through the channels on TV, and came across a program called "Birth Moms" on TLC.  As a mother of two adopted children, I was intrigued.  Even though it was midnight, I stayed up and watched.

The show followed three pregnant mothers, ranging in ages from nineteen to twenty-five.  Two of them already had children, but were having trouble providing for them and had made the decision to place their unborn children for adoption.  They were working with an adoption agency based in my home town of Orem, Utah, and were living there in an apartment complex while they were expecting. 

The birth mothers searched through profiles of couples wanting to adopt.  One of the birth mothers chose a family right away, and the other struggled with the decision up until the day before she delivered her son.  She kept waiting for something to click, and it really never did.  The reason she struggled so much is that she really hadn't settled on the decision to place her baby for adoption.  Once she gave birth and saw her son, reality hit and she realized that her current situation was just not fitting for a newborn. 

Another of the birth mothers told the adoptive parents that she did not want her baby to know that he was adopted.  She didn't want him to come and find her later on in life.  She wanted to move on and not be reminded of him.  I wonder if she just didn't want to deal with the pain.

I didn't give birth to my children, but I know that they are mine just as if I had.  The thought of giving them to another family--even if I thought it would be better for them--is extremely painful. 

My daughter's birth mother told me that she worried that people would judge her and think that she took the "easy way out."  Anyone who thinks that is not only wrong, but incredibly stupid.  Placing your child for adoption is the most difficult path to take.  Difficult, but incredibly selfless. 

Both of my children's birth parents knew that they would place their children for adoption as soon as they found out they were pregnant.  They knew that they weren't in a situation to provide a stable home, and knew that we could provide the home with a mother and a father who would love and nurture them.  For this I am eternally grateful.  Because they thought of their unborn child first, they were able to provide happiness for Gordon and I, and were both able to go on with their lives. 

We were only able to meet Ian's birth mother once, but we exchanged letters and pictures for the first year.  We sent a letter once a year for several years, but the letters from her stopped and we took that as a sign that she was at peace.  If I could see her again, I would thank her for giving us the greatest gift any human being could give to another.  Ian is an amazing young man, full of potential and love.  His dad and I have done our very best to raise him in a manner that honors her.  I hope she would be proud.  We're not perfect--by any stretch of the imagination--but we have tried hard to do our best.

While it is up to each individual to decide whether or not to place their child for adoption, I would say that in our situation, it has been nothing but positive for all parties involved.  It's not easy, and the pain is real, but time truly does heal all wounds.  Adoption allows an unplanned pregnancy to become a blessing.

Once Upon a Time

Every once in a while I spend some time on Pintrest.  I've decided that it's pretty much a time-killer, and it makes me covet, but every so often I'll find a great little pin that hits home.  This was it for me today.

I love President Uchtdorf.  His talks are so personal, and are very timely.  I thought this was great way to sum up what life is really all about.  I'm so grateful for this knowledge, and for leaders of our Church who are inspired to share it with us.

What's to Become of Me?

Before I start, let me just say that I had NO idea it had been this long since I've written.  Perhaps by the end of this post it will start to make sense...

As you may all know, I've been waiting on a kidney transplant for nearly two and a half years.  The first issue was mine to resolve, then I got to resolve it again.  My viral load was finally low enough for the hepatologist to clear me for transplant in February.  I was thrilled! 

My sister and I started calling Mayo Clinic trying to schedule the transplant, and we were told that the middle of March would be the most likely date.  She was here in Arizona mid-February and was able to get her testing updates done at that time, and we assumed we were good to go. 

At the end of February, we were still trying to pinpoint an exact date, and all of a sudden we were getting the runaround.  I had an appointment with the head of the transplant department at the end of February, which again, I assumed was just a formality.

You know what they say about the word "assume?"  When you do it, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."  That's pretty much what happened.

After reviewing my file, which he clearly hadn't done before the appointment, and asking me a bunch of ridiculous questions, he told me that we would need to schedule the transplant for sometime in July.  He explained (without a shred of compassion) that transplant centers have to maintain a certain rating, and thus are only allowed a certain number of live donor transplant failures every six month period.  By the beginning of March, they had already had two.  He didn't mention how many they are allowed to have, but I'm sure that was a high number.

(On a side note, a woman in our stake had a kidney transplant on March 20 and it ended up failing as well.  They're not in good shape...)

The failure rate for a typical kidney transplant is less than 2%.  Because of all of my pre-existing conditions--especially my vascular issues--my chances for failure are 10-15%.  Not the greatest odds in the world, but I'm still confident that I will be blessed and that things will go well.  The doctor even went one step further and told me that most transplant centers wouldn't even take my case, as the risk for failure was just too high.  Thanks so much for THAT information!!

I sat there as he explained all of this to me, and the realization that I had four more months of hell (dialysis) to endure was just too much.  I also realized that a July transplant date would make it impossible for me to start teaching on time for this upcoming school year.  (School here in Arizona starts the first Monday in August.)  I figure that I'd need about a six week recovery period, which puts me into mid-August at the earliest.  Another year wasted...

I started to cry a bit, but managed to hold it together until I got to my truck and then the flood gates opened.  I don't remember crying that hard in a very long time.  I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to hit someone.  I tried calling Gordon, but was crying so hard that he couldn't understand me.

It took a couple of weeks to get used to the idea, but I was still angry.  As I've said before, I'm not asking to win the lottery, or for a new car, or a bigger house.  I just want to be healthy so that I can get back to what I love--what I feel I was placed on this earth to do.  We live in a small community, and band director jobs just don't open up every year.  There is a middle school position available for the upcoming school year, but I can't see myself interviewing for the job and then saying, "Oh, by the way, I can't start until September."

In the movie version of the musical My Fair Lady, Eliza goes through so much to become a lady.  After she attends the state ball and passes the "test," she becomes angry with Henry and asks him, "What's to Become of Me?"  She wonders where she belongs, what she can do, and who will accept her.  That thought has come to my mind many times over the past couple of months.  I registered for classes for fall, and if I really push myself, I can finish my Master's degree by next summer, but then what?

I also keep telling myself the line from The Sound of Music (yes, I watch way too many musicals!), "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  I'm trying, and wanting, to believe that, but I also miss the security that my old life provided.  Perhaps this is all the test I've been preparing for my entire life.  I know that only time will tell.

Where Did I Come From?

One of the greatest questions to ponder is the question, "Where did I come from?"  (I know...it ends in a preposition, but it sounds better this way.)

As I was falling asleep last night, and pondering my rather weepy day yesterday, a line from my patriarchal blessing came to my mind.  It tells me that before I came here, I knew my elder brother, Jesus Christ, and that I was present and active in the council in heaven.  This statement brought me a great deal of comfort, but I had to ask myself if I still knew my Savior.  I don't think I'm as close to Him as I could be.

For those of you not familiar with "Mormon Doctrine," I'll sum up what I'm referring to:

We believe that we consist of two separate entities: our spirits and our physical bodies.  Our spirits are literally the offspring of our Father in Heaven.  We lived with Him before we were given an opportunity to come to earth and get a physical body (through the conception/birth process.)  Because we are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father, we are all related--spiritually speaking.  This includes our brother, Jesus Christ as well as Satan, who was also a spirit son of our Heavenly Father.  (Not to get on a side topic, but other Christian denominations call us a "cult" because we believe this...oh, well.)

Before we came to earth, Heavenly Father presented a plan that included us coming to earth, being tempted, and having wonderful and trying experiences.  This could only happen if we came to earth and had a physical body.  A key element in this plan is our choice to do good or evil.  Because He knew we would make mistakes, he wanted to provide for us a Savior, who would suffer for our sins so that we could ask for forgiveness and be made whole again.  The eventual goal for all of us is to return to live with our Father again.

Both Satan and Jesus Christ were present at this meeting, as were we all.  Satan spoke up and said that he wanted to force everyone to choose good, and thereby ensuring that all of us would be able to return to His presence.  Satan also believed that he should receive the credit/glory for getting us all back.

Jesus spoke second, and said that He would go, and would do the Father's will and that the glory and honor would go to the Father, as Jesus wanted none of it for himself.

When our Father chose Jesus to be our Savior, Satan became angry and was dismissed from Father's presence.  He left, and took one-third of the spirit children with him.  Because these spirits chose to follow Satan, they never got the opportunity to gain a body.  I believe that they are extremely jealous of us, and do all they can to make us miserable like them.

Our Savior came to earth, gained a body, and had some amazing experiences.  Some were so beautiful and spiritual that we may can't comprehend them.  Some were equally painful and difficult.  We have been taught that He had to suffer everything so that He could understand our suffering.  As bad as I think I have it sometimes, I need to remember that there is One who understands exactly what I am going through.  He has been through it, and will be there with me every step of the way and through every tear.

I know I've posted this hymn in the past, but it is one of my favorites, and it has brought me so much peace.

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.

I know that in my own little Gethsemane, I can find peace and solace for my aching heart in one place.  I will forever be grateful for Him, and seek to develop a better relationship.

My Life is a Gift

A Primary song I remember teaching a few years back keeps coming to my mind today.  Wanna hear it?  Here it goes:  (You'll have to add the notes yourself...)

My life is a gift, my life has a plan
My life has a purpose, in heaven it began
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God's plan for me
Holding fast to His words and His love
I will work, and I will pray
I will always walk in His ways
Then I will be happy on earth, and in my home above.

In the last couple of days, I have received some lovely Facebook posts from former students.  They both thanked me for my contribution to their lives.  It's funny how a simple suggestion like, "Hey--you could play the cymbals/tuba/etc." can change people's lives.  One of my former students, now a college freshmen is writing a paper about a pivotal moment in her life, and said that the moment I asked her to join the drumline was that moment. 

I started to cry last night when I read what she wrote to me.  I miss having that kind of influence on young people.  I hate sitting around, feeling sick and feeling worthless.  I feel like I'm just taking up space, and it annoys the crap out of me.  It's easy to say that I have other things I am doing right now that are just as important.  I tell myself that there is a purpose for this time in my life...my "career hiatus."  Maybe if I had more faith I would know what it is.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired.  I'm tired of not feeling like doing anything; feeling like spending the entire day in bed; not feeling good enough to go shopping with my daughter or even make dinner.  I'm tired of having to rely on my amazing husband for everything from grocery shopping to laundry.  I just wish more than anything that things were different.  This is not what I had planned...

The "pat" answer to all of this is that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to.  I know that.  I know that there is Someone Else in charge, and that I'm on His timeline.  I just needed a moment to pout and feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes it's hard to put on your "big girl panties" and move on.  Sometimes a good cry is in order.

I just want so badly for this to be over so that I can get back to what I've planned for my life.  I'm not asking for much--just the capacity to do good and to be an influence in the lives of others.  It's not even a selfish request, it's just an answer to a simple, heartfelt prayer.

This is a Test, This is Only a Test...

Last Saturday, Ian (reluctantly) went on a hike with his wrestling team.  He did not want to go, and murmured about it all morning.  As we were driving to the meeting point, I encouraged him to make the best of things and to realize that everything he was doing was only making him stronger.  I told him to imagine his next opponent with every step that he took. 

After I dropped him off and was on my way home, I thought of challenges that we all face.  Growing up as a member of the LDS church, in Sunday School we were often asked, "Why are we here?"  The pat answer was "to gain a body and to be tested."  Although I believed that to be true, I hadn't really thought about it. 

Being tested is something that is near and dear to my heart lately, but I know that I am not the only one.  One of my cousins has a sister-in-law who just lost her 1 1/2 year old son in a tragic accident.  Her blog is amazing: http://inthequietheartishidden.blogspot.com/.  Full of heartfelt despair, but also hope and such a strong testimony of eternal families.  Her test makes my current situation seem rather insignificant.  I can't begin to comprehend losing a child.

I got more bad news yesterday.  My hepatitis B count has gone up--again.  Only ten points this time, but it's still headed in the wrong direction.  I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the past two years and all the time I'm yelling "LET ME OFF!!" at the top of my lungs.  I just wish I had answers...

Nevertheless...this is what I believe:

The reason we are here on earth is to gain a body, have wonderful life-experiences, and be tested...a lot.  I believe that without the hard times that those tests bring, we wouldn't know true joy.  I believe with absolute certainty that if I hadn't had cancer as a child that I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I also believe that even though I am in the middle of a pretty big test right now, I will one day look back on this time with gratitude for the lessons I learned.  I'm already recognizing blessings that could have only come from a loving Heavenly Father.  I know He knows me, I know He loves me, and I know that He weeps with me during my lowest moments. I'm so grateful for this knowledge, and I can't imagine going through life without it.