Incoherent Thoughts

I knew something was really wrong when I couldn't finish my cereal Wednesday morning.

I needed to take my students to a jazz festival Wednesday, so I bucked up and went to school. The students played really well--we received the only "Excellent" rating of the whole year, so I was STOKED! We stopped to eat in Anthem at the food court, and all I could eat was a couple of pretzel sticks.

I got home later that afternoon and went straight to bed. Gordon came home and asked what he could make me for dinner. I thought that tacos sounded good, so he made them for me...fresh taco shells and all. They came back up about 15 minutes later.

I vomited and vomited the rest of the night. I can't ever remember feeling so sick. My heart was racing and I just couldn't get comfortable. I think I may have dozed off for a bit around 4:00 a.m.

Gordon came home from work and took me straight to the ER. They tried to put in an IV for about 30 minutes before finally finding a vein in the knuckle of my ring finger on my right hand. They pumped some fluids in me and sent me home about six hours later. We stopped at Costco to fill a new anti-nausea medication and I got so hot that I took my shirt off and rode the rest of the way home semi-naked. THAT must have been a sight. I can only imagine what Gordon was thinking...

Another "vomitous" night took place Thursday. By this time, I was just vomiting everywhere...on my bed, in the kitchen sink. I even threw up into the bag that contains all of my medications. (They're all ruined now...GREAT!) I knew I wouldn't make it to school again on Friday, so I told Gordon I needed to call in for a sub. Evidently I tried to make a phone call using the TV remote. I then found my phone and threw up all over it. (Luckily it still works!)

Gordon took me back to the ER Friday and luckily we had a new doctor who actually listened to us. He admitted me right away and the hospital staff worked on getting me "equilibrilized" quickly. I didn't really know where I was, what year or month it was, who my kids' teachers are or what school they attend. Gordon tells me that he was so scared. I'm usually a stickler for details, so I can only imagine.

It took until Saturday for me to start to get back to normal. I'll never forget Gordon's eyes when he kissed me and said, "Thanks for coming back to me."

I had a great doctor--not my own--who was diligent in checking on me...even on Sunday. I was so impressed with his care for me. He ordered a bunch of tests, including a couple of GI tests that weren't so pleasant. I had an endoscopy done on Monday...not too bad. I enjoyed being "sedated" for the test. (A nice feeling after being so sick!) Tuesday I had a test that involved a radioactive hard boiled egg. I HATE eggs! They make me sick! I choked down the egg and then had to lay on a table for 90 minutes so that they could watch it digest. Turns out one of my big problems may be that I don't digest food fast enough. They prescribed the drug Reglan today and it helped a great deal. We'll see... The doctor also prescribed Valium and Zofran (an anti-nausea medication) for me to take before going to dialysis...just in case my nausea relating to dialysis is psychosomatic. (Which it very well may be. I am a little goofy!)

I had a couple of difficult days in the hospital. Days when I wondered if it was worth it at all. They put a central line in my neck because I don't have any veins to speak of at all, and it stopped giving blood on Monday. In come the phlebotomists who mean well and I know are just doing their job, but have no clue what it's like to be me. I got poked nine times Monday morning and they all hurt like hell. I've got nine lovely bruises on my arms to show for it. After that torture I called Gordon and told him that I didn't think my Heavenly Father loved me anymore. I felt like I had nothing to show for it. I know that's not true, but it sure did feel like it at the time. I have to admit that I've felt on more than one occasion that He's forgotten about me.

So, I'm home today. It feels so good. I enjoyed my Streets of New York pizza and snuggling Courtnie on the couch while watching "Twister" on TV. I love my family so much. Whenever I wonder if it's all worth it, I know that it is because I have two beautiful children and an amazing husband who (for whatever reason) want me around. During my darkest times, I can hold fast to that.