Ian and I watched "Despicable Me" the other day. He loves that movie, and I love listening to him laugh. My childrens' laughter is my favorite sound in the whole world.
Anyway, when Gru gets a great idea, he says--in a deadpan voice--, "Light bulb."
I just had one of those moments.
I've spent a lot of time over the last 15 months wondering why all of this garbage has been happening to me. "Why?" is a mantra that I can't seem to put aside.
I'm a relatively good person. I try to do what's right, I love my family, I am kind to others (well, unless they annoy me,) so why do I keep getting "blessed" with these trials? Some people are ill as a result of the choices they make in their lives. They have no one to blame but themselves for what they are going through. For me, there seems to be no logical reason why I had cancer as a child and am now dealing with all of these late-term side effects. I often think that it's just not fair...I had no say in the matter.
This morning, as I woke up, a thought came to me:
I did choose this.
Yep...I chose all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I know that as a child of God, I had a choice and a say in what would happen to me before I came to earth. I know that I lived with Him, and we probably discussed my life. I like to imagine that it would have been similar to the loving talks that my dad and I have. He probably sat me down and told me that I'd get to come to earth and have wonderful, amazing experiences, but with that would also come some pretty significant trials. He told me that if I can make it through these trials, I'd be a stronger person for it and that I'd be able to be more compassionate and understanding of others.
I imagine that I was so anxious to get here that I told Him I'd take whatever came my way. He promised me that in exchange for the hard times, I'd be blessed in so many other ways...most of them I'll never even fully realize. In exchange for not being able to have children by myself, He blessed me with two amazing birth mothers who have given me the greatest gift anyone could ever give. In exchange for being so ill this past year, he has blessed me with a greater love for my husband than I could have ever realized.
While, I'm sure I'll still have days where I ask why this has to happen to me, I'm grateful for this "light bulb" moment. I know that it came from Someone who loves me very much.
