Ian and I watched "Despicable Me" the other day. He loves that movie, and I love listening to him laugh. My childrens' laughter is my favorite sound in the whole world.
Anyway, when Gru gets a great idea, he says--in a deadpan voice--, "Light bulb."
I just had one of those moments.
I've spent a lot of time over the last 15 months wondering why all of this garbage has been happening to me. "Why?" is a mantra that I can't seem to put aside.
I'm a relatively good person. I try to do what's right, I love my family, I am kind to others (well, unless they annoy me,) so why do I keep getting "blessed" with these trials? Some people are ill as a result of the choices they make in their lives. They have no one to blame but themselves for what they are going through. For me, there seems to be no logical reason why I had cancer as a child and am now dealing with all of these late-term side effects. I often think that it's just not fair...I had no say in the matter.
This morning, as I woke up, a thought came to me:
I did choose this.
Yep...I chose all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I know that as a child of God, I had a choice and a say in what would happen to me before I came to earth. I know that I lived with Him, and we probably discussed my life. I like to imagine that it would have been similar to the loving talks that my dad and I have. He probably sat me down and told me that I'd get to come to earth and have wonderful, amazing experiences, but with that would also come some pretty significant trials. He told me that if I can make it through these trials, I'd be a stronger person for it and that I'd be able to be more compassionate and understanding of others.
I imagine that I was so anxious to get here that I told Him I'd take whatever came my way. He promised me that in exchange for the hard times, I'd be blessed in so many other ways...most of them I'll never even fully realize. In exchange for not being able to have children by myself, He blessed me with two amazing birth mothers who have given me the greatest gift anyone could ever give. In exchange for being so ill this past year, he has blessed me with a greater love for my husband than I could have ever realized.
While, I'm sure I'll still have days where I ask why this has to happen to me, I'm grateful for this "light bulb" moment. I know that it came from Someone who loves me very much.
4 comments:
I'm just glad that in all the choosing, your life got to bump up against mine. You are an amazing woman, and I'm proud to call you cousin.
I was thinking as I read that this is your price for being a survivor. Although not your doing survinving cancer has it's consequences. Glad you got to stick around to be a wife and mother.
Oh Amie. I love you. It's hard to embrace that perspective sometimes, but I do believe it as well. I know that I would much rather do this, than some of the others. It still isn't easy. You are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Enduring is definitely one of the hardest parts. I've regressed and look forward now to progress. For you as well. Thanks for sharing your light bulb moment. I needed that. Luv, g
I wholeheartedly agree with Rhonda. You're seriously one of the most amazing people I know! I am so grateful for you and your example - it helps me as I go through my hard times.
Your post reminded me of the verse in Malachi 3 -
2 But who may abide the day of his coming? and who shall stand when he appeareth? for he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap:
3 And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.
4 Then shall the offering of Judah and Jerusalem be pleasant unto the Lord, as in the days of old, and as in former years.
I think that at the end of the day, all we have to offer to the Lord is our own will, our own pride, and our own abandonment of the natural side of our being. He gave us the freedom to choose, and then asked us to choose Him. Every time you or I or anyone suffers, particularly when it (as you correctly point out) comes as no result of any kind of sin on our part, we have a choice to shake our fist at God and curse God and die, or we can realize how much He has taken an interest in our lives and that He will see us through. You have that attitude, sis, and it is glorious to behold. It is truly inspiring, and I love you for it.
We are all in the process of being refined. Let's make no mistake - it is a FIRE, but it is the Refiner's fire, which will make us clean and pure.
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