Fiddler on the Roof

One of my favorite movies is "Fiddler on the Roof."  I have so many memories of this film, and watching it brings them back so vividly.  I believe I first saw this movie with my mom at the Scera theater in Orem, Utah.  They had a summer movie series and would show older movies on their huge screen.  It was a great experience, and I remember that the movie touched me with it's amazing music, visual appeal, and great symbolism.  I have seen it probably fifty times since then, and know every word to every song by heart.

A couple of weeks ago, it was on television a few times.  I watched it every time it was on.  This time, several of the scenes and lines of dialogue had different meaning to me.  As my children grow older, the song "Sunrise, Sunset" has new meaning.  The song they sing at their Sabbath dinner is a prayer that I offer daily--that my children will grow up in righteousness and will find their eternal soul mate.  When my grandpa passed away on April 13, I thought of the lines in "If I Were a Rich Man," where he sings about studying the scriptures being the sweetest gift of all.

As I laid on the table praying so hard that the phlebotomist would find a vein (on the tenth try!), I thought of the dialogue that Tevye has with God.  This is one of the many things I love about this movie...that he has such an intimate relationship with God, and feels he can speak to him at any time about anything.  As I found out yesterday that my viral count is still to high for me to have a safe transplant, I pictured Tevye at his daughter's wedding as the Russians were destroying the village.  He was looking up at God with a look of intense questioning. 

Two lines of dialogue keep coming to my mind:

"I know, I know.  We are Your chosen people.  But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?"

"Sometimes I think, when it gets too quiet up there, You say to Yourself, "What kind of mischief can I play on my friend Tevye?"

Someone once told me that God must love me a lot to trust me with these trials.  My head knows this, but my heart is having a difficult time understanding this.  I realize that compared to the trials of others, mine are so small, but sometimes they can seem so overwhelming.  I find myself feeling sorry for myself, and when I do, I go into a dark place where I'm not good for anyone.  And then I remember my family, and all is good again.

While I was at my grandma's house this past weekend, I noticed she had NieNie's calendar.  (For those of you who don't know NieNie, here's a link to her blog: nieniedialogues.blogspot.com.  She is a survivor of a terrible plane crash that left 80% of her body burned.  She is an inspiration to me--and to many others.)  Anyway, April's quote was this:
"My heartache, pain, and confusion have led me to a state of mind that all is lost, but then I look into my children's eyes, and see my Savior and know that it is not lost.  It's just the beginning of a big plan for us."

I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if the quality of my life is worth the quantity of my life.  Don't get freaked out--I'm not talking about suicide or anything, but I have wondered if it's all worth it.  And then I hear my son giggle with his sister, or my daughter tells me that I'm the best mom in the world for bringing her trombone to school when she forgot it, and I realize that it IS worth it.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without them, and I know that my Heavenly Father sent them to me at this time for a reason.