Let me explain, no--wait--there is too much, let me sum up

It's Tuesday, the day I go to dialysis. My sweet husband took the kids to school for me so that I could sleep in a bit longer, but I can't sleep. OF COURSE! I need to leave in an hour or so, so I thought I'd take this time to update my blog.

It's been a long time. I don't really have much of an excuse for not writing, other than I'm tired all of the time. I take six different medications a day, and four of them say "may cause drowsiness" on the label. I don't really have much of a fighting chance. :)

It's been two and a half months since my kidneys shut down. I like to tell people that they're on vacation, since I'm still hopeful that they will come back to me. The truth is that I don't know if they will. I received a blessing from our bishop that asked for them to be restored to normal function, but I know it is God's will if that will happen. I don't know if I just lack faith or what, but I have moments when I wonder what He's waiting for. I know that He knows me. I know that He knows I'm tired of struggling. I'm trying so hard.

(See, now...you've made me cry. It's hard to see the computer screen when you're crying...)

I've lost 25 pounds. That may sound like a good thing if you were "pleasantly plump" like me. Unfortunately, it just means that I can't eat. Dialysis makes you feel full all of the time, and for me it makes me nauseous the majority of the time. I throw up almost daily. Gordon and I consider it a personal triumph if I make it through the day without vomiting. Funny how your perspective changes when you're sick. I used to need to worry about what I ate, now I have to worry about eating at all.

When I was in the lobby of the dialysis center on Saturday waiting to go in, another patient and I started talking. He's 33 years old and has been on dialysis for 15 years. His kidneys stopped working when he was 15 and his mom took him out of school so she could take care of him. Before his kidneys shut down, he was a star athlete and a good student. He missed his prom, his high school graduation--all of it. In the beginning of his treatments, they gave him chemotherapy that made him sterile. He told me that all he ever wanted was a family--four boys and one girl.

Sitting and talking to him made me realize that I really don't have it that bad. That's the thing about life...whenever you think you've got it bad, you meet someone who has it worse.

I can't say enough wonderful things about my husband. He has been my rock. He takes such good care of me and NEVER complains. They say that a marriage only works when each person gives 100%. Right now, Gordon is giving so much more. He is making up for my shortcomings. He has been both mother and father at times. He tells me to go to bed and to rest when I know he is so tired. He makes dinner, does the laundry and dishes and cleans up after everyone. He has been amazing. In the 18 years we've been married, I've never loved him more.

I'm grateful for all I have. As miserable as I feel sometimes, I have faith that it will get better. I have been touched by the number of people who have told me that they're praying for me. Many people have even offered me their kidney, which is more than a little generous. I'm in awe of the love people have shown for me. It's buoyed me up when I've been down and it means more to me than they will ever know.

So, it's off to dialysis. My sister Michelle said that you can watch a dialysis treatment on YouTube. I don't know that I'd want to sit at a computer screen for four hours! It might be interesting at the beginning, though...who knows.