I Can Do Hard Things

My sister, Lindsey has that saying in her house.  I think of it often. 

I've cried a lot over the past few weeks, so forgive me if I don't make a whole lot of sense with this post.  I just feel the need to get some thoughts out.

To sum up what I've been up to lately:

Around September 8, I started having chest pains on my left side.  It basically hurt to breathe and it was impossible to breathe deeply.  I went to the doctor on the morning of September 10 and they drew some blood and sent it off to the lab.  I went back to work, not feeling so hot, but we had a game that night so I needed to be there.  The doctor's office called me a couple of hours later and told me to get to the ER right away as the lab results came back that I might have a blood clot in my lung. 

I called Gordon, and we went to the ER in Prescott.  They ruled out a blood clot, but said I had pneumonia, so I stayed a few days in the hospital.  I never felt great, but wanted to go home so badly that they let me on the 15th. 

At home, I couldn't keep anything down...not water, not food...nothing.  I didn't realize it, but my blood pressure was sky high and my brain had started to swell.  Sunday evening (September 18,) my right leg started to convulse uncontrollably.  We thought it was just a cramp, but decided to go to the ER anyway.  All the way to the ER, I just didn't feel right.  We were walking in the door to the ER, when my leg started convulsing again.  Gordon went to go and get me a wheelchair, and by the time he got back to me, I was in a full-blown grand mal seizure.  I don't remember much after that... I woke up for a bit and then had another seizure in the ER.  When I woke up the next time, I was in the ICU.

I spent three days in the ICU and then two days on the 4th floor before I was able to go home again.  I'm on larger doses of blood pressure meds, and am also taking anti-seizure meds for the time being.  I'll have another MRI on Monday and see the neurologist on Friday.  It's taken me a few days to get my bearings...I feel off still, and am having a hard time doing simple motor skills.  I'm sure it will come back.

Gordon was scared out of his mind, and we both came to the decision that I shouldn't go back to work until I get my transplant.  I need to concentrate on getting well before I can take care of others.  I'm no good to anyone right now, and they won't even clear me for transplant if I'm not healthy.  I've cried and cried about this decision, because my job means so much to me.  I feel like I'm letting everyone down, and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's been so hard.  I know that I need this time to realize what is most important, and it's not my job...it's my family. 

This morning, I got a call from my sister Lindsey.  My mom has been in a bad car accident.  She was t-boned going to work and was air-evaced to Idaho Falls.  She has broken ribs, pelvis, a lacerated bowel and kidney, but looks like she's going to make it.  I'm so worried about her and wish I could be closer to her.  I know she's in good hands and many people are praying for her.  She's been my rock my entire life...I hope she feels my love for her right now.

I need strength to get through this.  I know that my Savior is there, and I know that He wants so badly to help me.  I know He can help me me get through this rough time, and that we'll all look back on it as a time we grew immensely.