Parenting Teenagers

It's a scientific fact that teenagers are ill-equipped to handle their own lives.  The part of their brain that controls rational thought and seeing the final outcome of decisions is not fully developed until you are in your early 20s.  This is why they are risk-takers, are often hostile and irrational, and are extremely selfish.  It's not really their fault, it's just the way they're hard-wired.  Teaching teenagers for fifteen years has taught me that this is true.  There have been a few exceptions throughout the years, but for the most part it's fairly universal.

I thought that teaching teenagers would give me greater insight into being a parent of one--when the time came.  Boy, was I wrong.  While I theoretically know why my teenager acts the way he does, I still can't comprehend it. It seems like overnight he has gone from being a sweet, loving boy who was very sensitive to the feelings of others to a moody young man who only cares about himself (and thinks that his dad and I only exist to put limits on what he can and can't do.)

Our latest drama revolves around him wanting to go to our town's skate park.  He has friends from school who go there regularly to skateboard, but I know for a fact that so much more goes on there than just skating.  It's also located by the soccer fields where Courtnie had practice last year, and I would often sit and watch the teenagers that hung out there.  Most of them smoked, the girls dressed like hoochie-mamas, and the foul language was abundant.  I have heard that drug deals and gang activity happens there, and there are frequent fights and other unsavory activity.

Our son is a good kid--he has tried hard his whole life to make good choices and he has our trust.  While I don't believe that he would engage in the activity that goes on there, I just don't feel right about allowing him to go and hang out in that environment.  I know that I can't protect him from all of the evil that goes on in the world, but I feel like it's my job to save him where I can.  When his dad talked to him last night and presented different scenarios that could happen to him while he was there, he didn't have a clear "what would you do" answer. 

I've always hated the term "peer pressure," but I do know that it is REAL.  Even the most stalwart of youth can be persuaded to do wrong if put in a situation where they want to save face.  It's a parent's job to see situations through to their final conclusion and to help their children see that every action has a consequence.  I know that children need to learn some things the "hard way," but if I can help him avoid heartache, I would certainly like to try.

Children don't come with owner's manuals or instructions.  Gordon and I have made mistakes as parents, and I am sure we will make many more, but we are trying so hard.  Our family has been reading the Book of Mormon the past few months, and I am reading it with a different perspective as a parent.  1 Nephi was especially helpful, as Lehi deals with his two rebellious sons.  It was a perfect parenting manual, and has helped me to understand how to deal with difficult situations.  I'm so grateful for the scriptures--a solution to all of life's problems can be found therein.

So in between wanting to pull my hair out in frustration, worrying constantly, and being happy for his progress and accomplishments, we're getting through.  I love him.  I think he knows that, and I hope that some day he will look back at this time and know that his dad and I only had his best interest at heart.

Star Wars Geek

I think that I've seen each of the six Star Wars movies about 50 times each.  When I was teaching Jazz Band, after our concerts we would play the Star Wars Trivial Pursuit game.  I had a few "kindred spirits" in the group. :)

Some of my fondest childhood memories revolve around watching movies with my family.  We love movies, and I think we all enjoy the Star Wars movies.  The Empire Strikes Back was in theaters when I was going through my cancer treatments, and I remember my mom and I stopping to watch it late one night when we were on our way home from the hospital.  It was a special treat, as we didn't have a lot of money, and seeing a movie in the theatre was a big deal.

George Lucas is a genius, and I've always believed that if he were to learn about the LDS religion, he would find that his movies have a lot in common with our faith.  One of my favorite scenes is in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda is training Luke on how to recognize the dark side from the good.  It is exactly how you recognize the Spirit--when you are at peace.  There are too many parallels to mention, and it would all be the "gospel according to Amie," so I won't elaborate any further. :)

I remember seeing all three of the prequels in the theaters.  I think we took Ian to see the first episode when he was still in a car seat.  He sat very still and watched the entire thing.  (Well, at least it looked that way...)  While the first two episodes were visually stunning, and helped to flesh out the story of how the characters in the last three episodes came to be, I was rather underwhelmed.

The third episode affected me very much.  In fact, I think I cried in the theater the first time I saw it.  To watch a person go down that slippery slope to the dark side was difficult for me.  It was especially difficult to watch this character I had grown up with go from being an innocent child to someone so evil. 

This movie was on TV today and I was again affected by it.  What hit me today was how much the Chancellor/Emperor is like Satan.  He gained Anakin's trust and then used that friendship and exploited it for his own purposes.  He flattered Anakin into believing that his power was the only way to bring peace to the galaxy.  In this way the Chancellor was able to get Anakin to turn his back on the good and to do his bidding in destroying the Jedi.

 In the Book of Mormon, we learn more about how Satan does this:

2nd Nephi 2:22-23

22 And there are also secret ^acombinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the ^bdevil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and ^cworks of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

23 For behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you that the Lord God worketh not in ^adarkness.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, section 10, we learn how he flatters us and leads us to do evil for him. 

25 Yea, he saith unto them: ^aDeceive and lie in wait to catch, that ye may destroy; behold, this is no harm. And thus he flattereth them, and telleth them that it is no sin to ^blie that they may catch a man in a lie, that they may destroy him.

26 And thus he ^aflattereth them, and leadeth them along until he draggeth their souls down to ^bhell; and thus he causeth them to catch themselves in their own ^csnare.

Am I comparing the gospel of Christ to a Star Wars movie?  Absolutely not, but the paralells are interesting and to me are an example of the power of the "dark side" in our lives.  It starts small, but soon we are trapped and are led by that flaxen cord down to hell.  Recognizing the Spirit in our lives and avoiding those things that would allow us to become ensnared is what will keep us from becoming someone we don't want to be.  Happiness is temporary; true joy is forever.

Forever Grateful

I was up late again last night flipping through the channels on TV, and came across a program called "Birth Moms" on TLC.  As a mother of two adopted children, I was intrigued.  Even though it was midnight, I stayed up and watched.

The show followed three pregnant mothers, ranging in ages from nineteen to twenty-five.  Two of them already had children, but were having trouble providing for them and had made the decision to place their unborn children for adoption.  They were working with an adoption agency based in my home town of Orem, Utah, and were living there in an apartment complex while they were expecting. 

The birth mothers searched through profiles of couples wanting to adopt.  One of the birth mothers chose a family right away, and the other struggled with the decision up until the day before she delivered her son.  She kept waiting for something to click, and it really never did.  The reason she struggled so much is that she really hadn't settled on the decision to place her baby for adoption.  Once she gave birth and saw her son, reality hit and she realized that her current situation was just not fitting for a newborn. 

Another of the birth mothers told the adoptive parents that she did not want her baby to know that he was adopted.  She didn't want him to come and find her later on in life.  She wanted to move on and not be reminded of him.  I wonder if she just didn't want to deal with the pain.

I didn't give birth to my children, but I know that they are mine just as if I had.  The thought of giving them to another family--even if I thought it would be better for them--is extremely painful. 

My daughter's birth mother told me that she worried that people would judge her and think that she took the "easy way out."  Anyone who thinks that is not only wrong, but incredibly stupid.  Placing your child for adoption is the most difficult path to take.  Difficult, but incredibly selfless. 

Both of my children's birth parents knew that they would place their children for adoption as soon as they found out they were pregnant.  They knew that they weren't in a situation to provide a stable home, and knew that we could provide the home with a mother and a father who would love and nurture them.  For this I am eternally grateful.  Because they thought of their unborn child first, they were able to provide happiness for Gordon and I, and were both able to go on with their lives. 

We were only able to meet Ian's birth mother once, but we exchanged letters and pictures for the first year.  We sent a letter once a year for several years, but the letters from her stopped and we took that as a sign that she was at peace.  If I could see her again, I would thank her for giving us the greatest gift any human being could give to another.  Ian is an amazing young man, full of potential and love.  His dad and I have done our very best to raise him in a manner that honors her.  I hope she would be proud.  We're not perfect--by any stretch of the imagination--but we have tried hard to do our best.

While it is up to each individual to decide whether or not to place their child for adoption, I would say that in our situation, it has been nothing but positive for all parties involved.  It's not easy, and the pain is real, but time truly does heal all wounds.  Adoption allows an unplanned pregnancy to become a blessing.

Once Upon a Time

Every once in a while I spend some time on Pintrest.  I've decided that it's pretty much a time-killer, and it makes me covet, but every so often I'll find a great little pin that hits home.  This was it for me today.

I love President Uchtdorf.  His talks are so personal, and are very timely.  I thought this was great way to sum up what life is really all about.  I'm so grateful for this knowledge, and for leaders of our Church who are inspired to share it with us.

What's to Become of Me?

Before I start, let me just say that I had NO idea it had been this long since I've written.  Perhaps by the end of this post it will start to make sense...

As you may all know, I've been waiting on a kidney transplant for nearly two and a half years.  The first issue was mine to resolve, then I got to resolve it again.  My viral load was finally low enough for the hepatologist to clear me for transplant in February.  I was thrilled! 

My sister and I started calling Mayo Clinic trying to schedule the transplant, and we were told that the middle of March would be the most likely date.  She was here in Arizona mid-February and was able to get her testing updates done at that time, and we assumed we were good to go. 

At the end of February, we were still trying to pinpoint an exact date, and all of a sudden we were getting the runaround.  I had an appointment with the head of the transplant department at the end of February, which again, I assumed was just a formality.

You know what they say about the word "assume?"  When you do it, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."  That's pretty much what happened.

After reviewing my file, which he clearly hadn't done before the appointment, and asking me a bunch of ridiculous questions, he told me that we would need to schedule the transplant for sometime in July.  He explained (without a shred of compassion) that transplant centers have to maintain a certain rating, and thus are only allowed a certain number of live donor transplant failures every six month period.  By the beginning of March, they had already had two.  He didn't mention how many they are allowed to have, but I'm sure that was a high number.

(On a side note, a woman in our stake had a kidney transplant on March 20 and it ended up failing as well.  They're not in good shape...)

The failure rate for a typical kidney transplant is less than 2%.  Because of all of my pre-existing conditions--especially my vascular issues--my chances for failure are 10-15%.  Not the greatest odds in the world, but I'm still confident that I will be blessed and that things will go well.  The doctor even went one step further and told me that most transplant centers wouldn't even take my case, as the risk for failure was just too high.  Thanks so much for THAT information!!

I sat there as he explained all of this to me, and the realization that I had four more months of hell (dialysis) to endure was just too much.  I also realized that a July transplant date would make it impossible for me to start teaching on time for this upcoming school year.  (School here in Arizona starts the first Monday in August.)  I figure that I'd need about a six week recovery period, which puts me into mid-August at the earliest.  Another year wasted...

I started to cry a bit, but managed to hold it together until I got to my truck and then the flood gates opened.  I don't remember crying that hard in a very long time.  I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to hit someone.  I tried calling Gordon, but was crying so hard that he couldn't understand me.

It took a couple of weeks to get used to the idea, but I was still angry.  As I've said before, I'm not asking to win the lottery, or for a new car, or a bigger house.  I just want to be healthy so that I can get back to what I love--what I feel I was placed on this earth to do.  We live in a small community, and band director jobs just don't open up every year.  There is a middle school position available for the upcoming school year, but I can't see myself interviewing for the job and then saying, "Oh, by the way, I can't start until September."

In the movie version of the musical My Fair Lady, Eliza goes through so much to become a lady.  After she attends the state ball and passes the "test," she becomes angry with Henry and asks him, "What's to Become of Me?"  She wonders where she belongs, what she can do, and who will accept her.  That thought has come to my mind many times over the past couple of months.  I registered for classes for fall, and if I really push myself, I can finish my Master's degree by next summer, but then what?

I also keep telling myself the line from The Sound of Music (yes, I watch way too many musicals!), "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  I'm trying, and wanting, to believe that, but I also miss the security that my old life provided.  Perhaps this is all the test I've been preparing for my entire life.  I know that only time will tell.