I was up late again last night flipping through the channels on TV, and came across a program called "Birth Moms" on TLC. As a mother of two adopted children, I was intrigued. Even though it was midnight, I stayed up and watched.
The show followed three pregnant mothers, ranging in ages from nineteen to twenty-five. Two of them already had children, but were having trouble providing for them and had made the decision to place their unborn children for adoption. They were working with an adoption agency based in my home town of Orem, Utah, and were living there in an apartment complex while they were expecting.
The birth mothers searched through profiles of couples wanting to adopt. One of the birth mothers chose a family right away, and the other struggled with the decision up until the day before she delivered her son. She kept waiting for something to click, and it really never did. The reason she struggled so much is that she really hadn't settled on the decision to place her baby for adoption. Once she gave birth and saw her son, reality hit and she realized that her current situation was just not fitting for a newborn.
Another of the birth mothers told the adoptive parents that she did not want her baby to know that he was adopted. She didn't want him to come and find her later on in life. She wanted to move on and not be reminded of him. I wonder if she just didn't want to deal with the pain.
I didn't give birth to my children, but I know that they are mine just as if I had. The thought of giving them to another family--even if I thought it would be better for them--is extremely painful.
My daughter's birth mother told me that she worried that people would judge her and think that she took the "easy way out." Anyone who thinks that is not only wrong, but incredibly stupid. Placing your child for adoption is the most difficult path to take. Difficult, but incredibly selfless.
Both of my children's birth parents knew that they would place their children for adoption as soon as they found out they were pregnant. They knew that they weren't in a situation to provide a stable home, and knew that we could provide the home with a mother and a father who would love and nurture them. For this I am eternally grateful. Because they thought of their unborn child first, they were able to provide happiness for Gordon and I, and were both able to go on with their lives.
We were only able to meet Ian's birth mother once, but we exchanged letters and pictures for the first year. We sent a letter once a year for several years, but the letters from her stopped and we took that as a sign that she was at peace. If I could see her again, I would thank her for giving us the greatest gift any human being could give to another. Ian is an amazing young man, full of potential and love. His dad and I have done our very best to raise him in a manner that honors her. I hope she would be proud. We're not perfect--by any stretch of the imagination--but we have tried hard to do our best.
While it is up to each individual to decide whether or not to place their child for adoption, I would say that in our situation, it has been nothing but positive for all parties involved. It's not easy, and the pain is real, but time truly does heal all wounds. Adoption allows an unplanned pregnancy to become a blessing.
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