Tuesday

I apologize for the lack of creativity in the title of this post.  Since this will contain several thoughts, I just didn't know what to call it.

I've recently started painting my fingernails.  One could call it a minor obsession.  I never used to do this because the polish would start to chip and I'd spend the next few days chipping away at the remaining polish.   I was never satisfied with the way it looked--every wrinkle, bubble, or fingerprint would annoy me to no end.

I wish there was some sort of trick for achieving the perfectly polished fingernail.  I know--I could spend money and go get them done somewhere, but most nail techs kind of freak me out.  It's nothing personal.  Also, I don't really like to go somewhere and try to be friendly to someone I don't know while they "service" my nails.

So, I guess I'll suffer through polishing, not being satisfied, taking polish off, re-polishing...lather, rinse, repeat.

I have a Stake Primary leadership meeting on Thursday, and I'm in charge of a 30-minute break-out session with the Primary choristers.  I've tried to contact each of them, because I want them all to bring an idea to share.  Only three of the eight have returned emails, texts, or phone calls.  Frustrating.  One of them commented that she's having a hard time getting the children to behave.  This is a difficult issue for many, and I hope that I will be able to share some thoughts and ideas that will help.

I've been feeling pretty lousy the last several days.  I just don't seem to have any energy, and I am so exhausted all of the time.  Last Friday's dialysis was the worst it's been in a long time.  I dry heaved and vomited nearly the entire time.  When my stomach is upset I have to ask someone to take me off of the dialysis machine so I can use the bathroom.  This process takes at least five minutes, as they have to rinse all of my blood back and unhook everything.  When you're sick, this five minutes is an eternity.

I came home and slept the rest of the day and night.  Saturday and Sunday I stayed in bed with an upset stomach.  I wasn't able to eat much and just didn't have any energy.  I hated missing church, but I just couldn't do it.  As I was falling asleep Sunday night, the words to the song, "O Divine Redeemer" came to my mind.  As they ran through my mind, they became like a prayer for me.


Ah, turn me not away, receive me though unworthy. 
Ah, turn me not away, receive me though unworthy. 
Hear Thou my cry, hear Thou my cry, 
Behold, Lord, my distress! 

Answer me from Thy throne, 
Haste Thee, Lord, to mine aid! 
Thy pity show in my deep anguish, Thy pity show in my deep anguish. 
Let not the sword of vengeance smite me, 
Though righteous Thine anger, O Lord! 

Shield me in danger, O regard me! 
On Thee, Lord, alone will I call! 

As I approach this busy and important week, I know that I will need His help.  My prayer Sunday night became a plea to give me strength to do what needed to be done.  I woke up Monday morning feeling a little better, and actually felt pretty good after dialysis.  I'm still tired, but I'm able to eat a little again, and my strength is returning.  I'm so grateful.

Well Done

Matthew 25:21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

I've been thinking about this scripture for the past week or so.  It has come to my mind several times, most recently while I was in the temple last week.  As we covenant with our Father in Heaven to consecrate all of our time, talents, and everything He has blessed us with to building up the Kingdom of God on earth, I wonder if I am doing all I can.  Do I rest on my laurels?  Is there more I can do?

My deepest desire is to return to live with Him and to be with my family forever.  I want to be able to see His face and to not be ashamed with how I have used the time He has given me.  I want to be able to say to Him that I have done all I can do to make Him proud of me.

I've been thinking about this time I've been given to be at home and away from work.  While it has been difficult to feel rather useless, it has also given me a lot of time for reflection.  I'm alone with my thoughts a lot!  Recently I've been evaluating my graduate work opportunities and where they will lead me.  I'm currently enrolled in the Human Relations master's program at NAU, but I don't know where that will take me in the future.  It seems more and more like a "throw away" degree.  (Not that gaining education is ever a waste...)

I was in Utah last week for my nephew's baptism.  My sister's sister-in-law was there, and we started talking about her career in social work.  I have had a good relationship with the social worker at my dialysis center, and talking to Jayne made me consider this as a possibility.  One of the aspects of my job as a teacher that I really enjoyed was building relationships with my students.  I enjoyed the times that they would come in and talk to me and I could help them with their problems.  Is this a good time in my life to take a different career path?

My patriarchal blessing tells me that I have a special heart and a gift for understanding.  My experiences and trials make make me more empathetic.  Perhaps this is the reason I am having these experiences right now.  I believe that when a door is closed another one opens.  Is this the door I'm supposed to take?

*Sigh*

In case you're just tuning in, we've had yet another delay.  This makes delay number 648,204 (or so it seems.)

In July, my brother Bill was here for testing to be my donor.  On the third day of testing, he got a phone call that he was not going to be able to donate as he had the same multiple artery issue that my sister Michelle had.  That same day my brother Andy called.  He said, "Word on the street is that you need a kidney."  :)

He was a perfect match for me, and came to Arizona for further testing.  He went through all four days of testing, and was told by a surgeon on the last day he was here that there shouldn't be a problem using his kidneys.  He was told that he had the same multiple artery issue, but that there was one artery that could work.  We would know for sure if he would be accepted the following Tuesday after the selection committee met.

We got a call on Tuesday and were told that the committee decided to try and find a better donor.  Andy would be a "plan B" if we couldn't find a better donor.  So--we were back to square one.

I had a few people ask for information on becoming my donor, and my Aunt Sarah is another perfect match. The next step is to see if she has the same artery issue that my siblings have.  I've fasted and prayed so hard that the perfect kidney would present itself.  Maybe this time--finally--will be it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this, and it just gets so hard.  I just want so badly for this to be over with.  I would love to not have to go to dialysis anymore.  I would love to feel good and have energy to get through the day.  I'm tired of trying to be strong all of the time.  I try to keep a smile on my face and tell myself that it's going to be okay, but it gets tough sometimes.  I just found out that the October 31 surgery date I was hoping to keep is no longer possible.  It seems like every time we have to reschedule it ends up being another three months.  I just don't want to wait that long.

A couple of weeks ago, Gordon was called to be the executive secretary to our bishop and was set apart by our stake president.  While he was in the middle of the blessing, he stopped and said that he felt impressed to bless me through Gordon.  He said that through Gordon's service, I would be blessed and that my health would be restored.  This was a powerful testimony to me that my Heavenly Father knows me and my situation.  Even though it gets hard, I know that He is guiding me and has a plan for me.  Patience is hard, but I'm learning.