Where Did I Come From?

One of the greatest questions to ponder is the question, "Where did I come from?"  (I know...it ends in a preposition, but it sounds better this way.)

As I was falling asleep last night, and pondering my rather weepy day yesterday, a line from my patriarchal blessing came to my mind.  It tells me that before I came here, I knew my elder brother, Jesus Christ, and that I was present and active in the council in heaven.  This statement brought me a great deal of comfort, but I had to ask myself if I still knew my Savior.  I don't think I'm as close to Him as I could be.

For those of you not familiar with "Mormon Doctrine," I'll sum up what I'm referring to:

We believe that we consist of two separate entities: our spirits and our physical bodies.  Our spirits are literally the offspring of our Father in Heaven.  We lived with Him before we were given an opportunity to come to earth and get a physical body (through the conception/birth process.)  Because we are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father, we are all related--spiritually speaking.  This includes our brother, Jesus Christ as well as Satan, who was also a spirit son of our Heavenly Father.  (Not to get on a side topic, but other Christian denominations call us a "cult" because we believe this...oh, well.)

Before we came to earth, Heavenly Father presented a plan that included us coming to earth, being tempted, and having wonderful and trying experiences.  This could only happen if we came to earth and had a physical body.  A key element in this plan is our choice to do good or evil.  Because He knew we would make mistakes, he wanted to provide for us a Savior, who would suffer for our sins so that we could ask for forgiveness and be made whole again.  The eventual goal for all of us is to return to live with our Father again.

Both Satan and Jesus Christ were present at this meeting, as were we all.  Satan spoke up and said that he wanted to force everyone to choose good, and thereby ensuring that all of us would be able to return to His presence.  Satan also believed that he should receive the credit/glory for getting us all back.

Jesus spoke second, and said that He would go, and would do the Father's will and that the glory and honor would go to the Father, as Jesus wanted none of it for himself.

When our Father chose Jesus to be our Savior, Satan became angry and was dismissed from Father's presence.  He left, and took one-third of the spirit children with him.  Because these spirits chose to follow Satan, they never got the opportunity to gain a body.  I believe that they are extremely jealous of us, and do all they can to make us miserable like them.

Our Savior came to earth, gained a body, and had some amazing experiences.  Some were so beautiful and spiritual that we may can't comprehend them.  Some were equally painful and difficult.  We have been taught that He had to suffer everything so that He could understand our suffering.  As bad as I think I have it sometimes, I need to remember that there is One who understands exactly what I am going through.  He has been through it, and will be there with me every step of the way and through every tear.

I know I've posted this hymn in the past, but it is one of my favorites, and it has brought me so much peace.

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.

I know that in my own little Gethsemane, I can find peace and solace for my aching heart in one place.  I will forever be grateful for Him, and seek to develop a better relationship.

My Life is a Gift

A Primary song I remember teaching a few years back keeps coming to my mind today.  Wanna hear it?  Here it goes:  (You'll have to add the notes yourself...)

My life is a gift, my life has a plan
My life has a purpose, in heaven it began
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God's plan for me
Holding fast to His words and His love
I will work, and I will pray
I will always walk in His ways
Then I will be happy on earth, and in my home above.

In the last couple of days, I have received some lovely Facebook posts from former students.  They both thanked me for my contribution to their lives.  It's funny how a simple suggestion like, "Hey--you could play the cymbals/tuba/etc." can change people's lives.  One of my former students, now a college freshmen is writing a paper about a pivotal moment in her life, and said that the moment I asked her to join the drumline was that moment. 

I started to cry last night when I read what she wrote to me.  I miss having that kind of influence on young people.  I hate sitting around, feeling sick and feeling worthless.  I feel like I'm just taking up space, and it annoys the crap out of me.  It's easy to say that I have other things I am doing right now that are just as important.  I tell myself that there is a purpose for this time in my life...my "career hiatus."  Maybe if I had more faith I would know what it is.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired.  I'm tired of not feeling like doing anything; feeling like spending the entire day in bed; not feeling good enough to go shopping with my daughter or even make dinner.  I'm tired of having to rely on my amazing husband for everything from grocery shopping to laundry.  I just wish more than anything that things were different.  This is not what I had planned...

The "pat" answer to all of this is that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to.  I know that.  I know that there is Someone Else in charge, and that I'm on His timeline.  I just needed a moment to pout and feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes it's hard to put on your "big girl panties" and move on.  Sometimes a good cry is in order.

I just want so badly for this to be over so that I can get back to what I've planned for my life.  I'm not asking for much--just the capacity to do good and to be an influence in the lives of others.  It's not even a selfish request, it's just an answer to a simple, heartfelt prayer.

This is a Test, This is Only a Test...

Last Saturday, Ian (reluctantly) went on a hike with his wrestling team.  He did not want to go, and murmured about it all morning.  As we were driving to the meeting point, I encouraged him to make the best of things and to realize that everything he was doing was only making him stronger.  I told him to imagine his next opponent with every step that he took. 

After I dropped him off and was on my way home, I thought of challenges that we all face.  Growing up as a member of the LDS church, in Sunday School we were often asked, "Why are we here?"  The pat answer was "to gain a body and to be tested."  Although I believed that to be true, I hadn't really thought about it. 

Being tested is something that is near and dear to my heart lately, but I know that I am not the only one.  One of my cousins has a sister-in-law who just lost her 1 1/2 year old son in a tragic accident.  Her blog is amazing: http://inthequietheartishidden.blogspot.com/.  Full of heartfelt despair, but also hope and such a strong testimony of eternal families.  Her test makes my current situation seem rather insignificant.  I can't begin to comprehend losing a child.

I got more bad news yesterday.  My hepatitis B count has gone up--again.  Only ten points this time, but it's still headed in the wrong direction.  I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the past two years and all the time I'm yelling "LET ME OFF!!" at the top of my lungs.  I just wish I had answers...

Nevertheless...this is what I believe:

The reason we are here on earth is to gain a body, have wonderful life-experiences, and be tested...a lot.  I believe that without the hard times that those tests bring, we wouldn't know true joy.  I believe with absolute certainty that if I hadn't had cancer as a child that I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I also believe that even though I am in the middle of a pretty big test right now, I will one day look back on this time with gratitude for the lessons I learned.  I'm already recognizing blessings that could have only come from a loving Heavenly Father.  I know He knows me, I know He loves me, and I know that He weeps with me during my lowest moments. I'm so grateful for this knowledge, and I can't imagine going through life without it.