My Life is a Gift

A Primary song I remember teaching a few years back keeps coming to my mind today.  Wanna hear it?  Here it goes:  (You'll have to add the notes yourself...)

My life is a gift, my life has a plan
My life has a purpose, in heaven it began
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God's plan for me
Holding fast to His words and His love
I will work, and I will pray
I will always walk in His ways
Then I will be happy on earth, and in my home above.

In the last couple of days, I have received some lovely Facebook posts from former students.  They both thanked me for my contribution to their lives.  It's funny how a simple suggestion like, "Hey--you could play the cymbals/tuba/etc." can change people's lives.  One of my former students, now a college freshmen is writing a paper about a pivotal moment in her life, and said that the moment I asked her to join the drumline was that moment. 

I started to cry last night when I read what she wrote to me.  I miss having that kind of influence on young people.  I hate sitting around, feeling sick and feeling worthless.  I feel like I'm just taking up space, and it annoys the crap out of me.  It's easy to say that I have other things I am doing right now that are just as important.  I tell myself that there is a purpose for this time in my life...my "career hiatus."  Maybe if I had more faith I would know what it is.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired.  I'm tired of not feeling like doing anything; feeling like spending the entire day in bed; not feeling good enough to go shopping with my daughter or even make dinner.  I'm tired of having to rely on my amazing husband for everything from grocery shopping to laundry.  I just wish more than anything that things were different.  This is not what I had planned...

The "pat" answer to all of this is that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to.  I know that.  I know that there is Someone Else in charge, and that I'm on His timeline.  I just needed a moment to pout and feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes it's hard to put on your "big girl panties" and move on.  Sometimes a good cry is in order.

I just want so badly for this to be over so that I can get back to what I've planned for my life.  I'm not asking for much--just the capacity to do good and to be an influence in the lives of others.  It's not even a selfish request, it's just an answer to a simple, heartfelt prayer.