Update to students

Hey gang,

I'm sorry this has taken so long to get to you. I still don't know how coherent it will be--I'm on some medications that make me REALLY sleepy, but I'll do my best.

As most of you know, I had a surgery on December 21 to bypass my aorta and get better blood flow to my legs. This surgery is going to make my life so much better! The surgery was successful, and the surgeon feels that everything went as planned.

As I was recuperating in the hospital, my surgeon came in with some bad news. He said that my blood work was showing that my kidneys were failing. Two days later I started on dialysis and have been having those treatments three times a weeks since then.

We are hopeful that the dialysis treatments will "wake up" my kidneys and that this will be just a temporary thing. For those of you who don't know, the kidneys filter all of the bad stuff out of your blood, so when they're not working, the bad stuff builds up. A dialysis machine takes all of the blood out of my body, filters it, and then puts it back in. The treatments leave me tired, but are supposed to get better.

Until my kidneys start working again, I won't be able to come back to work. It's killing me (not literally, but emotionally) to not be with you all. I am SO grateful for those of you who have made the best out of a situation that is not ideal. I was disappointed to hear that a few of our band leaders chose to skip out on band last week. I hope you know that what Mr. Morgan is doing is for the best...always. He cares for the band and wants you to do well. I am grateful for him. As we all say, "Man up, and move on."

I'll do my best to keep you updated. I sleep most of the time, but am slowly starting to get my energy back. Thanks so much for your positive attitudes and for working to get it done in my absence.

Angels Among Us

My mom called Thursday and asked if she could come and visit. DUH! :)

I asked how this is possible, as I know money is tight. She said that one of her co-workers is giving my mom her frequent flyer miles so that she can come and stay with me. She's coming at the end of next week and will spend a week at home with me while I recover. My kids and I are so excited to have her!

I'm so grateful. I'm 36 years old, but still need my mommy. This co-worker may never know how much this means to me. She is truly proof that angels live among us.

My Drama Queen

Tonight is closing night of the play Courtnie is in. She has been rehearsing since the end of October and has been loving EVERY minute of it. She told me the other day that she wants to be an actress when she grows up. I have no doubt that her choice is the correct one for her.

Here's an article our local paper did on the play. Courtnie is quoted about half-way through. I'm going to take some pictures and post them in the next couple of days. It's been fun.

http://dcourier.com/main.asp?sectionID=74&subsectionID=514&articleID=75779.

Enjoy! :)

Secret Weapon

Everyone around me is worried about me. People are scared, one of my best friends cried and told me she's not "emotionally ready" for me to have this surgery. (She was joking, of course.)

I am completely at peace.

Is it because I'm heavily medicated? Perhaps... ;o)

People tell me that they're praying for me and that I'm in their thoughts. I have felt it. I know, without a doubt, that prayer works. I have seen it work in my own life and in the lives of others. I have faith that it will work here again.

My dad has called our family and asked them to have a special fast for me on Sunday. At another time in my life people I didn't even know fasted for me and a miracle happened.

I was at the end of my cancer treatments, and had another battery of tests to make sure I had the "all clear" to end treatments. One of the tests showed that the cancer was back.

As you can imagine, my parents were devastated. I had been through Hell for two years, and we thought that it was going to work. My parents called their friends who attend our church, and word spread quickly. The following Sunday, the entire stake fasted on my behalf.

The following Monday, when I had the same test again, it showed no traces of cancer in my body. Does prayer and fasting work? I'm a witness to that fact. I'm here today because of that power.

I've been thinking a lot about my parents recently. I love them so much. I think that somewhere, back in the recesses of their mind, they wonder if what they did for me was the right thing. I've been through so much in my life, and (being a parent now myself) I know that they would do ANYTHING to take it from me. I know that they are worried about me, and that they are very concerned with this most recent development. I know they have been by my side through all of it, and have watched me suffer.

I want them to know how grateful I am for their decisions on my behalf. When I think about what you must have gone through, and I think about what I would do if it were Ian or Courtnie, I am amazed. I know it wasn't easy, but I know a lot of prayer and inspiration went into doing the best you could with me. I also know that I am the person I am today because of the trials I've been through in my life. I've said it before, but I believe 100% that who you are in life depends on how you react to the things that happen to you. You can't always control what happens to you, but you CAN control how you react.

Mom and dad, I love you. More than you know.

Aortic Bypass

So, here's the verdict:

It's called an Aortic Bypass. Dr. Wheatley will make an incision below my sternum so that he can access my aorta. He will then attach the artificial aorta to a spot above where the damaged portion. The artificial aorta will then attach to my femoral artery. (The picture above is what will happen...the white tubing is the artificial tube, the blue and red are the actual aorta.) He's also going to do a mini-bypass in my left renal artery in hopes that he can save that kidney.

My surgery is scheduled for Monday, December 21. I'll spend a week in the hospital and then be recovering for six to eight weeks.

Although I'm a bit anxious about major surgery, I'm excited for the prospects. I don't know if I've ever had adequate blood flow to my legs--this may be a new experience for me. I know that things will work out well. I'm just so grateful to have some resolution!!

Thanks so much to all of my family and friends for your prayers. I have felt them and know that they work. I love you all!

Son of Man

I was asked to lead the music in Sacrament meeting yesterday. We got to church a little bit late, so Gordon and the kids had to sit in the back. Rather than trek up and down the aisles, I stayed on the stand the entire time.

One of my friends, Missy, gave a talk about Joseph Smith. She talked about his life and trials, and spoke about his time at Liberty Jail. This time of his life always hits me hard. I imagine him sitting in the cramped, cold jail cell and suffering miserably. From this time comes some of the most beautiful and poignant scripture we have (in my opinion.)

1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavillion that covereth thy hiding place?
2 How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?
3 Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?
4 O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol--stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.
5 Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.
6 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

And then the clincher...at least for me:
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

As she was speaking, these verses of scripture kept coming into my mind. I kept thinking of the trials and afflictions I have in my life, and how often I feel sorry for myself.

It then hit me that Christ knows of my afflictions, and has suffered more than I. He knows me, He knows what I'm going through, and He loves me. I am grateful for this knowledge. I have known it my entire life, but haven't really needed it until now.

I sat on the stand and cried for joy. I realized how much I need Him, and how much more I need to depend on Him. I also felt a little silly for complaining about my current state of affairs when my suffering is miniscule compared to what is going on in the world around me. I'm a complainer, but I'm going to try to be better about it. I need to realize that in the long term, this trial is just "but a small moment." If I endure it well, I will know true happiness.

I Heart My Doctor

I've been taking my blood pressure a couple of times a day for the past week or so. I was just curious if my kidney issues would affect my blood pressure, and sure enough--they have. My blood pressure has been hovering around 160/100 (normal is 120/80.) SO...I made an appointment with my primary care doctor.

I really love her. She is always concerned about me when I come in and is (or at least seems to be) genuinely interested in me being well. When she came in today, she took a look at my chart, which reflected my current blood pressure issue and said, "Oh-oh!"

I told her about my aorta/renal artery issue and asked for advice. She looked me in the eye and asked me why we were even talking about it. She told me that I'm only 36, and need to be healthy. She said she could tell just by looking at me that I was tired and not feeling well, which is true about 80% of the time.

We talked about how remarkable it is to live today, when so much can be done to help someone in my situation. She said that I should stop doing the "temporary fixes" and do something that will give a better quality of life. I couldn't agree more.

It feels good to have someone reaffirm what I already was feeling. I trust her opinion, and value her input. It gives me more to talk about when I go see the vascular surgeon next week. Solutions, people! Solutions!!