Finding Peace

The Ward Newsletter article I wrote this month.  (After I'd watched the Star Wars marathon on Spike.) :)

One of my fondest childhood memories came at a time when I was very ill. I had cancer as a child, and my mom would have to drive me two hours each way to the hospital so that I could receive my chemotherapy treatments. It was difficult for her to do this, especially with four other children at home.


We were on our way home one evening in the summer of 1980 when--out of nowhere--my mom pulled off the freeway and into a movie theater. We went in, just the two of us, and watched "The Empire Strikes Back." To this day, this movie holds fond memories for me, not only because of the time I got to spend with my mom, but because of the message of this great movie.

I have seen this movie probably fifty times since, and each time I am amazed at how meaningful it is. I am particularly struck by the scenes where Luke is learning the ways of the Force. This passage from the movie has particular meaning for us:

Yoda: Yes, run! Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.
Luke: Vader... Is the dark side stronger?
Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad?
Yoda: You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, NEVER for attack.

We live in troubled times. It is sometimes all we can do to ask for peace in our lives. When we are at peace, the Spirit can be a powerful "force" in our lives. If we are quick to anger, quick to accuse and become offended easily, we become trapped in a vicious cycle. This cycle can be difficult to get out of, and we can lose that inner peace. It is always easier to get upset and become angry, but if we take time to use the Spirit in our dealings with others, conflicts will be resolved in a way that will creating lasting peace.

I know that we can all find the inner peace we desire. I pray that we can recognize the Spirit in our lives and the sweet feelings it brings to us.

Blah, blah, blah...

For those of you who don't know, it's been an interesting few weeks...

I started my testing at Mayo Clinic mid-April, and had four days of testing. I would drive back and forth to Phoenix each day--about a 75 minute trip each way. I did this because I was directing the music for our school's musical, so I needed to be back each night.

Thursday night I wasn't feeling so hot--in fact, I vomited all of my dinner back up when I got home from opening night of the musical. Sick. I then had to get up at 4:30 a.m. Friday morning to get to Phoenix by 6:30 for my first test. I vomited my cereal up on the way down. Sick again. I knew I was in trouble.

I had a heart stress test which again, made me vomit. My blood pressure was 230/130, a tad high. They sent me to the ER at Mayo for evaluations, and then checked me in to the hospital. Little did I know I'd be there for NINE days!! They were the longest nine days of my life, as I was so lonely. The kids were in school, Gordon was working, so I spent most of the time alone while they tried to figure out how to get my blood pressure under control. One day it would be super high, the next really low. Frustrating... The doctor was trying to get me off of one of my blood pressure meds he considered especially evil. This turned out to be a big mistake.

Finally got to check out on Sunday, just as I was about to go crazy! We went to Gordon's mom's house to pick up the kids and ate dinner with them. It was good to see the family. :)

I decided I needed to go to school the next day--big mistake. I felt like garbage, and didn't really do much good. I needed to finalize some things with my students, and we had some good talks. Decided not to go to Disneyland this year (we were slated to go next week.) This was a hard decision, but I just didn't want to go and get sick.

Monday night I vomited again, and continued to do so most of the night. I seriously thought I'd see my shoes in the bowl. We went to the ER on Tuesday, my blood pressure was high again and I couldn't keep anything down. They pumped me full of fluids, gave me some anti-nausea meds and I was feeling better, so we went home.

The "feeling better" part didn't last very long. I was sick again the next few days. Blood pressure was high, and nausea wouldn't stop. I went to my primary care doctor Thursday afternoon and she checked me into the hospital again. This time they put me on a blood pressure patch, which releases meds into my system gradually, and will continue to do so even if I can't keep anything else down.

It's working. I spent two days in the hospital and have felt fine ever since. I'm so grateful!

While I was so sick last week, I decided that going back to work this year just wasn't going to be the best thing for me. I feel awful about leaving my students, but I just have to do what's going to be the best for me right now. I need to stay as healthy as possible so that I can be ready for my transplant this summer. It's been hard to stay home and worry about them, but I know they will be okay. If I can get through this time, I'll be so much better off next year.

Just want the transplant to happen NOW!! Patience has never been my strong suit, but I'm working on it... :)

testing...testing...123

Guess what?

I get to begin testing for my new kidney on Wednesday!! I got a call from Mayo Clinic on Friday while I was in musical rehearsal. I wasn't able to call them back until this morning, but when I did she said they have an opening for me to begin this Wednesday. I'm so excited! This means there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

The only down side is that the testing is going to take four days, which means I'll be out even more days from school. I don't have any more sick days left, so every day I'm gone is almost $100 out of my paycheck. It will all be worth it, but it's hard to take that kind of a hit every time I'm out for dialysis, or for this testing...

I feel really good about this. I know that it's the right thing for me to do. Now I just need to be patient. My nephrologist said the shortest time he's ever seen from testing to transplant is three months. I'm hoping to break that record...it would be nice to get it done right as soon as school is out so I can have the maximum time to heal before band camp starts up!

Anyway--good news! Thanks for all of your prayers and good wishes...they mean more to me than you know!

Love, Love, Love

My mom told me to write happier blogs...so here you go: :)

I went to dialysis yesterday and took Ian's iPod. He saved up all of his money for a little over a year and finally decided what he wanted to spend it on. He's had a lot of fun trying to find all of the little silly free apps you can get online. I played Tetris until my bloood pressure started going up because I was frustrated!

For one reason or another, I've missed all of the episodes of "Survivor" this season. I'm a "Survivor" junkie, so this has been difficult for me. I decided to look on iTunes to see if I could download episodes, and...sure enough...you can buy the entire season for $17.00. So I did. :) Yesterday while at dialysis I watched four episodes, and the time went by SO quickly! (I actually watched the fourth episode while driving home, but don't tell anyone...)

I love "Survivor." I actually love most reality TV shows. I guess you could call it my escape from reality. I love how "Survivor" is a microcosm of life--you make alliances with people, you betray people to get ahead, and sometimes the "villain" wins. It's an interesting show for me to watch, and my kids love it, too so we get to enjoy it together, which is fun.

Last night was "Lennon and McCartney" night on American Idol. Also very fun. Any Beatles song reminds me of my mom. It also reminds me of the trip we took to California one summer when we couldn't get any radio stations in and the only cassette tape we had was the Beatles. So guess what we listened to for at least four hours? Does anyone wonder why I know all of the lyrics to all of their songs? (At least their hits.)

I had a great trip to Utah last weekend. It was nice to be with my family--I've missed them while I've been sick. My grandpa, dad, uncle, brother-in-law, and husband were able to give me a priesthood blessing. My dad blessed me to know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that in His time my health would be restored. He also blessed me with patience...something that I've struggled with the last few months.

My grandpa told me a story that I didn't remember. He said that while I was sick with cancer, he and my grandma took me to visit my great-grandparents. After the visit, on the way home, my health declined quickly and my grandparents knew they needed to get me to a hospital. My grandpa said that at the time he wondered if it was worth it to keep fighting for my health when I was suffering and so sick. He said that when he looks back on that and then looks at where I am now--with a loving husband and two amazing kids--he knows it was worth every painful minute. I know it, too.

From this weekend, I've learned that:
1. I need to be patient
2. I have an amazing family
3. I have a Heavenly Father that loves me
4. I'll be all right--when the time is right

After All

Courtnie came home yesterday with a note from her teacher telling me that she'd like to meet with me about Courtnie's progress. After giving Courtnie the third degree about why she wanted to meet, we came to really no conclusion.

I have been so tired after school that I usually just go to bed and let the kids fend for themselves on their homework. Gordon helps when needed, but we haven't been checking their homework and monitoring their school work like we should.

Turns out Courtnie's work has been slipping. Her handwriting isn't as good as it used to be and her grades are taking a nose dive. When I talked to her teacher this morning, she told me that Courtnie seems distracted--especially before spring break, which was the time I was so sick and in the hospital.

I started to cry because the last thing I want is for my illness to affect my family. This is killing me. Courtnie is such a smart girl, and can do the work with one hand tied behind her back. She's never let on that she's worried about me--she's always been easy-going, cheerful Courtnie. For those reasons, it never occurred to me that it would bother her at school.

Her teacher was very understanding, and had no idea what was going on at home. I should have told her so that she could keep a special eye on her, but for whatever reason, I didn't. Now that she knows, she said that she'd try to keep her focused. Luckily, I'm feeling SO much better and can be a better mom now.

I feel awful. I know there's nothing I could have done about it, but I want to maintain some degree of normalcy so badly. I'm hoping things will be different from here on out.

Headache

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. with a screaming headache. I tried my usual relaxation techniques to get rid of it, but they didn't work today. (Bill will remember the relaxation techniques...remember that workshop we went to when we were in high school? "What color is your headache? What shape is your headache? If you held a candle up to it, could you see through it?")

So I got out of bed and took a pain pill. Maybe I'm addicted. I sure hope not. That would be one MORE thing to have to deal with! :)

I went to dialysis yesterday and forgot to take my blood pressure meds first. BAD move! My initial blood pressure reading was 195/105. YIKES! It goes down a little once they start dialysis, but that was still scary. As a result--yep--you guessed it--I threw up a bunch when it was all over. I felt so stupid. I just can't forget to take my meds. I felt awful all of the way home. I got home and took my meds and felt better right away. I suppose that's the answer to why I would get so nauseous. High blood pressure=throwing up.

The best part about not feeling so well is that Gordon came to bed with me and we snuggled most of the night. We watched "Steel Magnolias," which is one of our favorite movies ever. Gordon says it's the only "chick flick" he can actually stand. The one-liners from that movie are priceless, and I use them all of the time. My favorites: "You are evil, and you must be destroyed" and "you are a pig from HELL!"

About the time when Shelby starts dialysis is when Courtnie left the room. She said, "I don't like this movie anymore." I guess it hit home for her. She's seen it before and knew what happened to Shelby when her kidney transplant failed.

That hit home for me, too. As much as I'm looking forward to getting a kidney transplant, there's the possibility that it might fail. There's always going to be the unknown, I suppose. The "what ifs" in life keep things interesting. Maybe that's why that man at the dialysis center I go to has been on dialysis for 15 years...he's scared of the "what ifs." I know that I will have good doctors that will monitor things for me very carefully and if I am good to my body, it will be good to me. I also know that I have WAY too much work to do yet on this earth and I'm not ready to be done yet. I need to see Ian off on a mission, Courtnie getting married, and holding and taking care of my grand babies. That means I've got to be around for another 30 years at least!

I'm not going anywhere!

Info About Being a Kidney Donor

So--a friend suggested that I post my blood type on my blog so that those interested in possibly getting screened as a kidney donor have that information.

I have A+ blood. (I wish that meant I was super smart...) ;) This means that you can only donate a kidney to me if you have A or O blood type. Evidently the + or - doesn't really make a difference. There are other tests that need to be done to determine if our tissue types match, and other criteria. Here's a really great website with some good info on being a kidney donor:

http://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingDonors/infoQA.cfm

I found it very helpful...glad this friend sent it my way.

On a funnier note...one of my friends has offered to donate a kidney to me. She's a devout Catholic, so she said if I used her kidney, I'd be part-Catholic. I told her that would be an honor...I've always found the Catholic religion to be beautiful. ;0)

Love to all,
Amie