The dishwasher is running, my comforter is in the washer. Courtnie is at play practice, Gordon and Ian are at wrestling practice. (No, Gordon doesn't wrestle...silly!) I'm home alone for a bit--it's kind of nice, but VERY quiet.
I was speaking with a friend yesterday about my health issues. (I'm not going to call them problems...they're just "issues.") She is also a cancer survivor--I believe she had breast cancer around three years ago. She's doing well now...a happy, healthy, spiritual person. I love her dearly.
We talked about quiet moments yesterday and how the adversary works on us during those times. It's easy to not get sidetracked with doubts when we're busy, but the times when we're quiet and alone are when he really goes to work. I thought maybe if I wrote some of those doubts down I could let them go.
In my quiet moments I wonder if a body that doesn't work like it should is worth it.
In my quiet moments I wonder what other's lives would be like if I wasn't here.
In my quiet moments I wonder if the doctors are doing the right thing.
In my quiet moments I wonder if I'm going to be around and able to walk with my kids at their graduations, weddings, births of children...
In my quiet moments I wonder what it would have been like to not have had cancer.
In my quiet moments I wonder if my depression is related to my health issues.
In my quiet moments I wonder if my kids worry about me. Are they scared?
In my quiet moments I wonder if my husband is sick of me.
In my quiet moments I wonder what it feels like to feel normal.
In my quiet moments I wonder if the reasons I wasn't ever able to do physical activities like others could had anything to do with my aorta and the blood flow. How long has it been like this?
In my moments times I wonder if I had been born today if I'd be dealing with the side effects I have now.
In my quiet moments I wonder if everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my issues.
In my more confident moments I know that I have a wonderful life...full of happy and joyful things. I have an amazing family. I have the best job in the world. I know that I am the person I am today because of the fights I've had to go through.
At Thanksgiving, one of Gordon's aunts told me that I need to take better care of myself. She told me that I need to get a golf cart and ride around in that all of the time. I smiled politely and said, "No, I can't do that."
I can't give up. Getting a golf cart would be giving up. It would be letting the cancer win. I refuse. In my quiet moments, I sometimes wonder if it would be better to give up...it would definitely be easier.
But that's not why we're here. It ain't easy, baby!
5 comments:
Good list, my friend. Catharsis too. Now... don't revisit this list. Next (and every other quiet moment) think and make a list of the good things. Don't give him any more time in your head. :-) You are such an amazing woman, Amie. Many lives are different because of you!
P.S. in one of my quiet moments I wondered if anyone would even show up at my funeral.
Mrs. Cobb,
Just a random response and then I will say what I really have to say; Have you ever read Kurt Vonnegut? I am sure you have, in all of your vast literary adventures, but there is one short story, in a collection called "Welcome to the monkey house", that basically proposes the question---What would we be/do without silly bodies. The premise is that there is this really smart person who figure out how to release the "self" from the body(as simple enough as thinking in the opposite direction that you are walking haha). So after years of this mans work in circulation in form of a book, the government of course realizes that this state of being infringes on the need of a government at all and burns all of the books, leaving a population of "selfs" or "souls" if you will. The characters speak all of the time of this realm being so great because they don't have to worry about their silly bodies---needing to go to the bathroom, eat, etc. They are just free. There is much more to it, but just an interesting thought. Sometimes we are restricted by our physical being. I am so sorry that your body(health-wise)does not match your beautiful mental capabilities. These questions are ones that do tend to come up in the "quiet times" as you say, and sense silence is inevitable,so are these almost existential inquiries. I would like to answer one though.#2 In my quiet moments I wonder what other's lives would be like if I wasn't here.
Well,I can say that I most likely would not be sitting in the NAU percussion room at 4:23am composing music if it were not for your mere existence, but profound effect on my person. You are one great mentor/wife/mother/friend and the world would be different without you.
Why don't you put on some loud music and stop these questions!?! haha
Take Care.
-Nate
Dear, dear sis,
I love you more than I could ever say. Please know that I have always looked up you, even when I was taller than you. I've known you longer than almost anyone and I want you to know that I am never sick of you. Ever. I have never, ever thought - geesh, I wish she'd just shut up about it.
I would tell you to be strong, tell you that the purpose of life is to experience hardship so our lives, like the refiner's fire, can be purified, tell you that the Lord's hand is in your life as surely as it is in mine... I would tell you all of these things, but I remember hearing them from your own mouth when I struggled.
I love you.
PEACE
billy
Wow I can't even imagine what you have gone thru and what you are going thru. But I do know that you are one strong women in your quiet moments and in those loud moments in the band room. You are a testimony to a lot of people that would want to give up, you might not see those people, know who they are, and they might not want to give up because of sickness but just different opsticals. But they are out there. Don't ever give up. You have a great family, great kids, great husband and a great second family the BAND. WE all really appreciate you and thank you.
Thanks all for your comments. I need to "man up" (as my students would say) and stay positive.
Debbie--I've wondered that too, which is why I DO NOT want a funeral. Don't want to be disappointed! :)
Nate--the hope that someday I may have another student like you gets me up in the morning some days. Thanks for being awesome!
Bill--you're awesome. Thanks for cheering me up.
Nora--thanks for the kind words. I love your kids so much. I'm so glad I get a few more years with the Muse family! :)
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