Top of the Muffin to You!

It's time for a change, so here goes:

I'm going to try to be more grateful and more positive in my postings.  Who wants to read about a whiner?

I got a haircut and my hair colored yesterday afternoon.  I really like it.  It looked a little better last night than it does today, but it still looks better than it did.  I was WAY overdue for a salon appointment!!

This morning I woke up, took the kids to school and decided that I wanted muffins for breakfast.  I drove into Albertsons and purchased some muffin mix, orange juice, and Wheat Thins.  Once I got to the car, I decided that I was thirsty, so I opened the orange juice I bought (Simply Orange--with pineapple juice.)  I'd never purchased this brand of OJ before, so I was most pleasantly pleased when it hit my taste buds.  YUMMMMMY!  A taste explosion! 

Got home, made my muffins, and enjoyed them right out of the oven with a bit of butter on them.  Again--YUMMMMMY! 

So today, I'm grateful for food.  It's been a while since I've been able to really enjoy food, and this morning was a treat!  One good thing about being sick is that I really don't feel too guilty "treating" myself to yummy things. 

Yesterday--aside from getting my hair done--I was super busy.  I had a dentist appointment, a blood draw, shuttled kids around and (I'll confess) took a little nap.  Good news that I wasn't expecting to hear: NO CAVITIES!!  With all of the vomiting I've been doing the past 10 months, I thought for sure I'd have at least a few cavities.  Dentist said nope, and that everything looks really good.  This is even better news, as I needed dental clearance for my transplant. 

Another blessing yesterday--the dental clearance form asked for a panoramic x-ray, something my dentist can't do.  They called over to an orthodontist (who's in my ward) and they did the panoramic x-ray for me for free!  Love that!

Now--all I'm waiting on is my Hep B viral load to be low enough and Michelle's testing, which will take place in less than two weeks.  I'm really hoping we can get this done by the end of October!  I'm SOOOO ready!

Dialysis in two hours.  My nephrologist put me on yet another blood pressure med.  This makes five different kinds of blood pressure meds.  I take 16 pills a day...can you believe that?  I'm hoping that my blood pressure will be more under control during dialysis so I won't get so sick.  It's been hovering around 200/100 while I'm undergoing treatment.  Not too good.  It makes me scared that I'll have another seizure...that thought scares me more than anything right now.  I'll just keep hoping and praying...

By the way...another thing I'm SO grateful for:

Friends and family who read my blog and offer words of encouragement and strength.  You'll never know how deeply your words touch me and how they brighten my day.  I love you so much.

Coming out of the Fog

I had a really good night's sleep last night.  I don't think I got up even once to use the bathroom, and that's HUGE for me. 

I woke up this morning to take my kids to school and almost felt human.  It's a good feeling...one I'd like to have last a bit longer.  I really love my kids.  They help me stay grounded and give me a reason to keep plugging along.

After I went to dialysis yesterday, I went to see my primary care doctor.  Can I just tell you again how much I love her?  I just sat and cried to her and she just sat and listened, without judging, and completely understanding.  She is aware of everything I'm going through, and tells me how tough I am.  This was something I needed to hear desperately, as I'm not feeling so tough right now. 

She told me to seek out something that will give me a sense of purpose while I'm not working.  Maybe I need to pick up cross-stitching again, or get one of my friends to teach me to knit (again!)  I feel like if I could find something to occupy my time, I wouldn't feel so lonely and worthless. 

Oh--but I could also clean my house...there is that.  :)                        

Bootstraps, anyone?

My sister Michelle sends me links to various blogs.  Most of them have are blogs of people who have gone or are going through some kind of adversity in their life. 

While I should find them inspiring and wonderful, they just make me feel stupid.  My problems are so minuscules compared to others in the world.  I just want to be happy, and I have SO many reasons to be, but I just physically can't get happy.  Every time I think about anything, I cry. 

My mom's in the hospital, and I can't be there for her. 

Not that you needed to know this, but I've had an upset stomach for the past three weeks, and have been downing the Imodium like it's candy.

The meds I'm on make me feel like my head's detached from my body.

I'm crabby ALL of the time, and snap at my husband and kids for absolutely nothing.

My house is messy, there's laundry to be done, and I just can't get it done.

I've abandoned my job...something that makes me happy.  I just found out I only have seven more weeks of leave covered under FMLA.  Does this mean I'll lose my job?  I wasn't planning on going back to work until the beginning of January.

I just really want to stop crying at the drop of a hat.  I'm so done.  I know that all of this will pass, and it will be a memory.  I also know that my attitude determines so much of my happiness, but I'm having a hard time right now. 

Please, please, please....

I Can Do Hard Things

My sister, Lindsey has that saying in her house.  I think of it often. 

I've cried a lot over the past few weeks, so forgive me if I don't make a whole lot of sense with this post.  I just feel the need to get some thoughts out.

To sum up what I've been up to lately:

Around September 8, I started having chest pains on my left side.  It basically hurt to breathe and it was impossible to breathe deeply.  I went to the doctor on the morning of September 10 and they drew some blood and sent it off to the lab.  I went back to work, not feeling so hot, but we had a game that night so I needed to be there.  The doctor's office called me a couple of hours later and told me to get to the ER right away as the lab results came back that I might have a blood clot in my lung. 

I called Gordon, and we went to the ER in Prescott.  They ruled out a blood clot, but said I had pneumonia, so I stayed a few days in the hospital.  I never felt great, but wanted to go home so badly that they let me on the 15th. 

At home, I couldn't keep anything down...not water, not food...nothing.  I didn't realize it, but my blood pressure was sky high and my brain had started to swell.  Sunday evening (September 18,) my right leg started to convulse uncontrollably.  We thought it was just a cramp, but decided to go to the ER anyway.  All the way to the ER, I just didn't feel right.  We were walking in the door to the ER, when my leg started convulsing again.  Gordon went to go and get me a wheelchair, and by the time he got back to me, I was in a full-blown grand mal seizure.  I don't remember much after that... I woke up for a bit and then had another seizure in the ER.  When I woke up the next time, I was in the ICU.

I spent three days in the ICU and then two days on the 4th floor before I was able to go home again.  I'm on larger doses of blood pressure meds, and am also taking anti-seizure meds for the time being.  I'll have another MRI on Monday and see the neurologist on Friday.  It's taken me a few days to get my bearings...I feel off still, and am having a hard time doing simple motor skills.  I'm sure it will come back.

Gordon was scared out of his mind, and we both came to the decision that I shouldn't go back to work until I get my transplant.  I need to concentrate on getting well before I can take care of others.  I'm no good to anyone right now, and they won't even clear me for transplant if I'm not healthy.  I've cried and cried about this decision, because my job means so much to me.  I feel like I'm letting everyone down, and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's been so hard.  I know that I need this time to realize what is most important, and it's not my job...it's my family. 

This morning, I got a call from my sister Lindsey.  My mom has been in a bad car accident.  She was t-boned going to work and was air-evaced to Idaho Falls.  She has broken ribs, pelvis, a lacerated bowel and kidney, but looks like she's going to make it.  I'm so worried about her and wish I could be closer to her.  I know she's in good hands and many people are praying for her.  She's been my rock my entire life...I hope she feels my love for her right now.

I need strength to get through this.  I know that my Savior is there, and I know that He wants so badly to help me.  I know He can help me me get through this rough time, and that we'll all look back on it as a time we grew immensely. 

One Proud Wifey

Yesterday was my husband's first home game as a head coach of the freshmen football team.  He's had a blast coaching them thus far.  I was so proud to sit in the stands and watch him work.  He is patient, kind and gives all he has to those boys.  I hope they appreciate how much he sacrifices for them.

The game didn't go very well.  In fact, it was pretty darn miserable.  The offensive line couldn't protect the quarterback at all, and he was in a constant state of scramble.  This is especially hard for my husband because the offensive line is his "thing." 

When we got home, we sat and talked about it for a while.  One of the things I love most about my husband is his positive attitude.  He really doesn't get down.  He just takes a "well, we're going to have to work harder" kind of attitude.  I love this.

Gordon has been my hero, and I know he always will be.  He's not perfect, but neither am I...not by a long shot.  Together we make a pretty good team.

Exhaustion

At what point are you too tired to function?

I've been so tired lately and have been such a grouch.  I've been mean to my kids, my students, and my husband.  I know I'm supposed to be able to control my grouchiness, but I seem to have no control over it lately.  Everyone and everything annoys the crud out of me.

My favorite grouchy phrase to my students: "I'm going to kill you and eat your children."  Hopefully they know I'm just joking... (sort of)

When people ask me how I am, I tell them that I'm fine...just tired.  A typical response is, "Yeah, I'm tired, too."  Sometimes I want to scream at them that they have NO IDEA what tired feels like.  Other times, I just smile and say, "Well, I guess I don't have anything to complain about, then."  (Somewhat hoping that they'll catch the note of sarcasm in my voice.)

I want to sleep 24/7, and I think I could if given a chance.  Some days it's all I can do to roll out of bed at 5:30 in the morning.  I'm in bed by 8:00, and usually asleep by 8:30.  During the day I just want to sit and do nothing.  Even now, I'm finding it difficult to concentrate and I "zone out" quite often. 

My house is messy and I don't know what to do about it.  It's not pigsty messy, but the dishes are piling up, and by the time I get home, I'm too tired to stand, let alone do the dishes.  I hate that I have to ask Gordon to do everything...he's so busy with work, football and trying to find some time to sleep.

I need to find a way to get out of the funk.  I think that the antibiotics may be having some effect on my energy level, but I'm just not sure.  I just want to not be and look so tired all of the time. 

Boo-hoo! :)

Scary Moments

My dialysis catheter was infected for quite some time, and for some reason my body just keeps wanting to hang on to this infection.  I've had mega-doses of antibiotics for the past month, and I just can't seem to kick it. 

My nephrologist wants me to start coming to dialysis three times a week for the next few weeks, which I'm THRILLED about.  Great--I get to feel like death three times a week now instead of two! :)

So, last Saturday I went to dialysis for two hours.  Fine. 

Yesterday, I went again--my normal time.  I fell asleep for a bit and when I woke up, my first bag of antibiotics was done.  The nurse came in and was about to start my second bag when I started feeling really strange.  Completely out of control...  I couldn't breathe right, I started vomiting, had a SPLITTING headache and just felt not right.  My blood pressure tanked and was at 80/50, which is REALLY low for me.  The low blood pressure was the cause of the odd feeling.

They gave me some saline and stopped the antibiotics.  It all went away after a few minutes, but I was shot for the rest of the night. 

This morning, I woke up with every intention of heading to our 7 a.m. jazz ensemble class, but puked and puked in the shower.  Not good.  Our head football coach has offered to sit in with my students if I ever needed him to, and he graciously did this today.  It's nice to have support...and who knew it would come from the football coach?  He's a great guy.  We're fortunate to have him.

Good news...only 19 more dialysis treatments! :)

Are You Okay?

So I throw up.  A lot.  It's a rare day when I don't at least dry heave several times a day.  (Like you all wanted to know that, but I'm telling you anyway.  And I do have a point...)

I'm not sure if it's the meds I'm on, or dialysis, or just a general state of not-well-being, but I feel nauseous most of the time. 

My vomiting episodes are usually started with a cough of some sort...let's call it the dry heave before the storm. :)  When I cough, my kids instantly ask, "Mom, are you okay?" 

This happened on Tuesday when Ian and I were on our way home from school.  I started gagging a bit and then started vomiting a bit.  After the episode was over, Ian asked, "Mom, are you okay?"

I started tearing up a bit and told him that what I'm most excited for about getting a new kidney is that my kids won't have to worry about me anymore.  I told him that, while I love that he's worried about me, and I know that he cares about me, it should be me that's worried about him.  The roles have been reversed for the past nine months.  I'm so ready to be a good mom again.

I love my children more than I can say.  They have been so strong and amazing through this whole thing.  It would be easy for them to complain and whine about how sick I am, but they don't.  I have been so blessed with the two most amazing kids any mom could ever ask for.  I hope someday we can look back on all of this with fond memories of how we grew together as a family.  It's what I wish for every single day.

Late Night

For some totally obscure reason, I couldn't sleep last night.  I think it was well past midnight by the time I actually fell asleep, and then it was a fitful sleep. 

I'm usually asleep by 9:00 or 9:30, so I miss the late night talk shows.  Last night, I was flipping through the channels and stopped on David Letterman's show.  He had Michael Douglas on, and I was intrigued by what he might talk about, as he was just recently diagnosed with throat cancer.

Of course, he was there to promote his new movie, so there was a lot of talk about that, but then Dave started asking him questions about his diagnosis and treatments.

I was a little taken aback by Michael Douglas' appearance.  He looked gaunt and like he'd lost some weight.  It was especially noticeable when they showed the clip of his movie, where he looked robust and healthy. 

As they started to talk about his treatments and his prognosis, I was impressed by his attitude.  He seemed very determined to fight it, and had a great outlook.  Instead of taking a "woe is me" attitude, he seemed almost "ho-hum" about the whole thing.  Now, I realize this may be an act, but it seemed genuine to me.

I feel confident in saying that this outlook will be his key to success.  I am again the proponent of saying that attitude determines EVERYTHING in life.  Cancer is a terrible thing, it reeks havoc on everything it comes in contact with, but how you face it determines how you will beat it.

I'm not really a fan of Michael Douglas' work...most of his movies are out of my ethical league...but I do hope he'll recover for the sake of his wife and children.  As I said before, if he beats it, it will be because of his great outlook.